If you have been around here for awhile…you know it can get messy in my brain…I am constantly trying to understand, explain, put my finger on what is going on in there.
If I could express my bipolar in one word I would say rage. The depression shows up as rage. The hypomania shows up as rage.
A few weeks ago I found myself in that place again. I was upset about something (a home repair) and just started SCREAMING at my husband. Thankfully, he is a saint about this and just kept saying, “Charity, where is this coming from? What is this about?” I kept saying it was about the house issue but it wasn’t and I couldn’t stop.
I finally climbed out of the rage with a sore throat and shame as my reward and we fixed the house issue.
But why was I there again? Why was the rage there again? Why?
This week I think I finally figured out why. I don’t know how to fix it, but I might know why.
In that place, I feel something wrong with me. As I rage I know there is something wrong with me. It would make sense to stop, but in that place, I know something is wrong, something is broken and I think if I just keep raging, that thing will get fixed or go away. If I can just rage long enough.
But I never can. I never ever can.
*the rage is often a sign I need a medication adjustment so I called the doc and we made that adjustment. It has helped. It really has.
**sometimes my hubby just stays quiet and that is quite wise, but sometimes he needs to speak up–this was one of those times.