Category Archives: blog hops

Spring is Sprung–In February The Thanks March on… 321-330

This morning the familiar anxiety gripped me as I headed to work.  Would I get chewed out today?  Would I screw up a project again?  Would l lose an important piece of information?  Would I be able to answer questions posed to me?

The knots.  The hiding in the bathroom to cry or try to breathe.

But I made it.

Only a few tears.  I could answer the questions.  I found all the files I needed.

This afternoon I even got to breathe…to feel a bit of lightness.  It was 50+ degrees here in the not-so-frozen mitten.  In February.

I don’t know if the weather is why I got to relax a bit, or because my medications are getting to the right levels, but I’ll take it no matter what the reason.

I am so thankful.

321 (60).  Running and walking with my 5 year old.

322 (61).  Hearing her use the word similar correctly.

323 (62).  Talking about dinosaurs, wholly mammoths.

324 (63).  Hubby teaching oldest how to tell time on a toy he played with as a child.

325 (64).  The peaceful music on A Holy Experience.

326 (65).  Having friends tell me they see me as a warrior mom.  Having other mamas agree with her!  Ladies, you will never know how much I appreciate that.  Wow.

327 (66).  Being able to laugh at the baby drinking water from the toilet.

328 (67).  Getting to see Beauty and the Beast in the movie theater with my girls.

329 (68).  Making pie with and for my girls.

330 (60).  Sue being her normal funny self:

“What kind of pie do you want mommy to make for you, peach or cherry?”


So mama makes the pie.  Sue eats the crust, leaving all the cherries.

“I don’t like the cherries.”

“Then why did you tell mama to make a cherry pie?”

“Oh, give me another piece and I’ll see if I like the cherries that time.”


Lots of Thoughts Today

I am trying a random thoughts, or stream of consciousness, post today.  It’s been awhile.

I am dog tired.  I reallly needed to work out tonight, but it is so not going to happen.

I found the baby in the bathroom with a cup of toilet water trying to drink it with a straw.  I have formally accepted my mother of the year award.

I made a pie tonight for my older girls.  For the four-year-old because I mistakenly told her there was a piece in the fridge that she could have, only to find out hubby had eaten it.  I felt bad so older one and I made one while Daddy and Sue were at Awana (Bible club).  Sue chose cherry.  Neither Sue or Caitlyn like cherry pie.  Free cherry pie at our house!  Come and get it.

Caitlyn threw a temper tantrum tonight.  A doozy.  So she did not go to Awana.  She stayed home with Patrice and I.  I listened to her cry and scream.  I heard her say things that broke my heart.  I worried that she was getting some of those thoughts from me, from the mental illness I am struggling with, that it was already manifesting in her.  Hubby says it is just normal kid stuff to throw these temper tantrums, that she is learning emotion.  My rational mind knows that is true.  But my rational mind also knows there is a gene component to mental health issues, and believe you me, I have that gene.  I take my meds and see my doctor like I am supposed to in hopes of breaking the cycle of depression in the generations.  I was encouraged in this endeavor by a tweet this week from @askdocG stating that a parent working to overcome mental health issues reduces their child’s risk by 40%.

I will continue to fight.

Church was hard today.  I cried a lot.  I have one of the sweetest friends at church.  She came and walked with me into the service.  Reached out to reassure me as she saw me cry.  I hope she knows what a gift she is to those who have the privilege of knowing her.

And now, I shall link up with All things Fadra for Stream of Consciousness Sunday, and go to bed!


I Wonder How I Got Here–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

I never thought I would get married or have kids.

I was 29 when hubby and I got married.

31 when our first was born.

32 when the second flew into our lives.

35 when the latest joy joined us.

I love being a mom.  LOVE IT!

I love being a wife.  LOVE IT!

I often wonder how in the heck I got here and what to do now!

I am a self absorbed, needy, whiny brat.  How can I be a good wife?  How can I give of myself to my family?  They deserve more.  They deserve better.  Hubby deserves a wife who cooks and cleans and talks sweetly.  My girls deserve a mama who doesn’t get irritated when they interrupt her, yell when they make her late, hide when she is overwhelmed.

I wonder how I got here–and how they are going to survive.

Linking up with Make Mommy Go Something Something.

Pinewood Derby

iPhone Photo Phun

It is mindboggling to me we are at the age where my oldest is starting to be involved with things like a Pinewood Derby, but a few weeks ago, that is exactly what happened at AWANA, Bible Club.

Five is a little young to do a lot fo the carpentry, but Caitlyn did help daddy pick out decorations and paint color.  She also did some of the painting and actual decorating.

Here are some pictures of the final product, all taken with my phone.

Getting it balancedHad to buy a scale for this project


Isn't it pretty for it's weigh in?


But Caitlyn is definitely prettier...Who cares about stereotypes? She likes her pink car


 She ended up doing 5 races and as far as we can tell she came in 4th for her age group.  It was hard seeing her not win, not because she needs to win, but she was standing there as we listened to the names saying, “Please let me win, please let me win.”  I hated the disappointment.  It hurt my heart.  But I was proud of her because she didn’t cry or get mad when she didn’t win.  She just moved on.

Next year, there will be two of them racing cars…ahhhh….

Linking up for iPPP.

A Gift From the Battle and Giving Thanks 311-320

Last week started to get shakey.  My emotions were more volatile, my anxiety spiked periodically.  My therapy appointment was hard.  I sat in the little waiting room strongly considering walking out, wondering if he charged a no-show fee.

I stayed.  I didn’t cry in there, but I sobbed in the car.

Friday got exponentially worse.  Some things happened at work that pushed the anxiety to levels not seen in many months.

Saturday I made it through because daddy took the older girls for the day, and Patrice was more than willing to nap and play quietly in her crib.

I was so relieved Sunday when two of the girls had mild colds, so we stayed home from church.  I hid in the anonymity of the grocery store.  Wished I could stay forever.  Then headed to a Fancy Nancy Birthday party with Caitlyn.  I’m pretty sure the other mom’s think I am a snob, but honestly, I gave all I could.

Sunday night I was wound so tight I could not relax to sleep.  It was the worst it has been in a while.  I cried to my hubby, “I should have called the doctor today, why didn’t I?”  Thankfully hubby hugged me and talked to me til I drifted off.

This morning I pushed myself to go exercise.  Expecting sweet relief, only to cry while I biked.

I finally gave in to reason and called the doctor.  We added a new medication.  But the best part?  A revelation.

My whole life I have dealt with various health issues, and as I mentioned in this post, I have wondered who I would be if I was healthy, if people would see me anymore or if I would disappear.  I got amazing feedback from my post and many other interactions based on these thoughts.  The overwhelming message was that people related to me, for me, not due to illness.  And, I got to believe it.  I embraced it.  Started dreaming of who I would be when the depression and anxiety were gone.

But my mind betrayed me again.  This was not the final breakthrough I needed to escape the depression.  Instead, it was just another lull in the battle.

Yet, it was a breakthrough.  I can finally say with confidence the illnesses and issues that have dogged me for years, are not of my own making.  They are not my imagination. I do not invite them.  They happen.  They hurt.  They are real.  I am not just a whiny impostor.

I have struggled for so many years with these thoughts, that somehow I was a big lie, and was bringing all of this on myself due to some warped perception of reality.  Today, for the first time, I can boldy and unequivocably say that is not true.

I am Charity.  I am real.  I am authentic.

This realization deserves a singing of the hallelujah chorus.

(Too bad I can’t get it to link!)

For this, I am thankful:

311 (50).  Freedom in the midst of anxiety.

312 (51).  Going out to dinner with my Sue.

313 (52).  Hubby loving me when my nerves are making me stress and twitch.

314 (53).  Seeing hubby appreciate his mom’s artwork.

315 (54).  A spectacular sunset.

316 (55).  Days getting just a bit longer.

317 (56).  Hugs from my Caitlyn at a birthday party.

318 (57).  Tasks at work making sense.

319 (58).  Days off from school.

320 (59).  Encouragment coming when it’s needed.

I’m linking with Ann Voskamp.

Also linking up for Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

Secret Mommyhood Confessions–I am a Hypocrite

“Clean your room girls.”

“Get these dirty clothes off your floor.”

“Put your folded clothes away.”

“Toys get put away or there will be no story tonight.”

I have said all this and more.  Many times.

I’ve even come up with a game called “mama 5” where I yell 5, each girl has to pick up 5 things off their floor and put them away, then they can go play for a few minutes, until I yell “mama 5”.  We repeat the process until their room is clean.  It works.  I am quite proud of that game.  Go ahead and use it in your home if you would like…

I do all that…I yell…I threaten…I bribe…

And my room is a disaster.  A wreck.  My folded clothes are in a laundry basket, with no hope of ever actually being put away.  Half the clothes I wear regularly are just piled on the end of my bed.

We won’t even talk about the books and various items that need put away…

I am a hypocrite.  I demand the girls learn to take care of their belongings and room while mine are sadly neglected…

Is there anything you demand from your kids but don’t practice in your life?  Do you feel guilty about it or know they really do need to learn, even if you as the parent are not perfect?  Does it eat at you or do you never think about it?

I am linking up with Make Mommy Go Something Something.  Come share your confessions!

What I Know to be True–Life Lessons

This week has been a little down.  Is it because I was expecting it and brought it on myself?  I don’t know, but it is what it is.

I think today is a good day to say what I KNOW to be true, not what I feel.

1.  I know this down week is better than many of the up weeks I have had while dealing with postpartum depression.

2.  I know God loves me and that I am His precious child.

3.  I know I have the support of those around me.

4.  I know tomorrow, or for that matter later today, has the potential to be much better than right now.

5.  I know I am doing all that I can to get well.  I even remembered to ask God to be part of the healing process today.

6.  I know that my children love me.

7.  I know that I am doing the very best for them that I can, as a mother and as an example.

8.  I know that my husband loves me like crazy.

9.  I know he’s committed for the long-haul.

10.  I know that I am giving my best at work and am seeing benefits and improvement.

What do you know this week, because of, or inspite of your circumstances?

Linking up with Rach at Life Ever Since.


Weight Loss Wednesday–Support

Support is so important in anything we do.  And weight loss is no different.  I am thrilled to have support from people in my life, both on-line and off.

There are so many days I want to throw in the towel and someone at work will ask me how my weight loss is going, or better yet, compliment me on my progress…and I redouble my commitment to eat right and exercise.  I even had a co-worker mention yesterday that some of my clothes are starting to hang on me!!!  Wheee!

I have friends I text often, they tell me how they are doing and I report in.  I love hearing back from them.  My cousin, though far away, is a key encouragement.  I would not be sticking with it without her.  I love hearing her pride in phone calls or reading it in texts.  Love it!

The on-line support is phenomenal.  The biggest one is Alicia and her Weight Loss Wednesday blog hop.  I know each Wednesday I am going to be checking in and getting some great encouragement (make sure to check out this week’s–it is one of her absolute best!!).  And Alicia checks in on my on other days too.  It means so much to get a tweet from her.  You really should jump on the #wlwed hashtag if you are on a weight loss journey.

I recently found another wonderful blog, 33 and Counting.  She is on a great journey to get healthier.  Her tweets, @dacialee33, are great and challenging.

This weight loss journey has been fun and challenging.  I had a little gain this week, but it didn’t discourage me and I just see a greater loss for next week .  Soon, hopefully next week, I will be 33% to my goal weight…and now that i have put that in writing, I sure better eat and exercise right!!!

What can you do today to get the support you need in your life, be it weight loss, exercise, pursing a passion of yours, discovering how precious you are?  I would love to hear about it.

My Brain is Kind of Empty

I have talked and thought about some really heavy stuff lately.  It’s good.  It really is.  I am healing, getting stronger.  I am going to come through this journey with postpartum depression and anxiety a whole, healthy person.  The Lord is using an excellent team of people to bring me into freedom.

In the meantime, life continues to be sweet and wonderful.

1.  We sent our new computer in for repairs and the company had it back to us within 4 days.  Fantasic service.  Except now I can’t get my camera card in the slot to download the pictures.

2.  Hubby and I were recently talking and I said, “I would love to have more kids.”  Caitlyn was listening in and yelled, “no you wouldn’t!”  Guess she hadn’t forgotten my short temper from that morning.

3.  Caitlyn loves exercise videos.  She asks me every night if we are going to do a video.  So tonight I thought we would try something different, “Sweatin’ to the Oldies”, she took one look at it, declared it not exercise and refused to do any of it.  As her Aunt says, “I guess she likes extreme exercise.”

4.  Patrice has been joining the girls and I in exercising.  A 17 month old doing push ups is as funny as you might imagine.  She lays down, puts her head and feet up and her little hands down.  I will get a good picture…

5.  Sue is bored.  I think that is why we are getting more whining, acting out and challenging us.  Shoot me some ideas on projects, crafts we can do with her.  I am not looking for us to entertain her all the time, but honest, she is a little bored.  She’s a smart cookie.  She needs more.

6.  And because my blog has been all words, not pictures, here are some cute shots 

Playing Whack-A-Mole with Grandma with two doggies

How do I spin this thing?

Here’s how you do it Patrice.

I like to use it THIS way!!!!


Linking up with Life Ever Since.

Check it out.

Secret Mommyhood Confessions–Going a Little Deeper

As I talked about in my post Friday, there are a lot of thoughts running around in my head.  They actually bubbled up last Saturday when I started chatting with Kimberly as I thought about one of my real “confessions” about mommyhood.

I am afraid I am clinging to the depression.  I am afraid I am choosing not to get better.

Now, before you think I have completely come off my rocker, moments after we started this conversation, the anxiety started to climb and I knew in my heart, I am not choosing the depression and anxiety.

But I still wonder what my role is in getting or not better.  Let me explain a bit…

I have had health issues my whole life.  I was born prematurely.  I ended up needing glasses at age 2.  An eye doctor stressed how important it was that my “good” eye be protected.  I can only read out of one, so if it got hurt, he stressed how I would never read again…My child-mind quickly developed an inordinate fear of balls, basketball, soccer, baseball, etc.  If I saw one coming, I instinctively ran away.  It was a true fear.  Based in a health concern.

Then there were various things…I got used to people relating to me in relation to my health issues.  In my teens I developed balance issues.  It was mistakenly attributed to allergies…so I became dependent on shots…when they didn’t help, more tests revealed evidence of Multiple Sclerosis damage in my Central Nervous System.  That disease can be very visible and take over your stinking life.  It was an issue off and on through high school, college and into my working years.  I used a cane in high school and college, was in a wheelchair off and on for several years.  I did 15 hospital stays in 3 years, ranging from 3 days to 4 weeks long.

My (now hubby) and I started dating.  Amazingly, he chose to marry me.  He was willing to take on the risk that was life with me.

Praise the Lord, I went into remission.  We started having children.  I have an amazing midwife that walked and cared through the pregnancies.  Then the postpartum depression came.  As I have mentioned it has been quite a journey.  With so many people supporting and encouraging me.

What happens when the depression is gone?  And the MS is gone?  And I no longer require maternity care of any kind?

My fear is people will no longer care about me.  That I will disappear.  Not from my kids or as a mom.  I know they will always need me and that brings me a great deal of joy.  But to the rest of the world…

I don’t have a career that matters.  I talk too much, feel like I scare people away, been told I don’t know how to have or keep friends, I am abrasive.  And when I am well, people in my life will gladly walk away…I will disappear.

Now please know, I am not at all reflecting on the quality of people in my life.  There are amazing people in my life.  Truly amazing.  They will naturally seek out  others like themselves.

I can understand.  And I don’t judge them in the least.  But it scares me.  I don’t want to disappear.

I want my girls to be proud I am their mom.  I want to be a good witness for my Lord.  I want my husband to feel blessed having me as his wife.

Thankfully, in a long talk to my hubby recently, I found he sees a lot in me.  I am greatly encouraged he loves me enough to want to stay married to me.

But I am afraid of who I am and how to relate to the world well and whole.  Even more afraid that I am keeping myself here in postpartum depression land because of the fear.  Maybe this is my fault.

I am walking a journey to learn about myself.  I am terrified I will find the above to be true–that I will disappear, but I am hopeful my hubby’s view of me is accurate.

I am linking with Kimberly for Mommy’s Secret Confessions.