Category Archives: depression

Baby Blues hit me with each of the girls.

I remember when Caitlyn was born being overjoyed, then two days later, sobbing as the nurse tried to take my blood pressure and temperature.  Hubby had left to shower and freshen up.  I was alone with our girl for the first time.  You know, as alone as you can be in a hospital.  And I was totally overwhelmed with fear and dread.  How would I be able to take care of her?  How would I know what she needed?  How would I know if she was eating enough?  Bless that nurse, she spent quite a bit of time with me reassuring me, going over the feeding cues, those things that came to be second nature to me, but at the time, wow!

It wasn’t quite as bad with Sue.  I had done this newborn thing just 15 months before.  I knew a little more of my mothering style.  I was a little more comfortable in my mommy skin.  But there were still these unexplained tears.  The moments that boggled my mind.

Right on cue, the baby blues hit when Patrice was born too.  Then I got a week where I felt good.  All felt right in my world.  I had three amazing girls.  That was an awesome week!  I remember it and can almost feel it even now, 2 and 1/2 years later.  What came after was what can only be described as a descent into hell.

I developed postpartum depression and anxiety.  With anxiety being the biggest demon.  Thankfully I was happy with my mommy skills.  I never had any doubt I could do what was needed for my girls.  If anything I overdid.  We went to the park.  We went to the library.  We went to the zoo.  We went non-stop.  At first it felt kind of good, making up for lost time with my older girls for the stuff I couldn’t do with them in my last weeks of pregnancy.  But then it got sinister.  I cried more.  And my activity got frantic.  I was tired, but couldn’t sleep.  I would watch Patrice sleep and was so jealous.  So jealous.  I mean, who has a newborn and insomnia?  Talk about irony.

I went to my beloved midwife.  We started me on zoloft.  We thought maybe it helped a little bit, so we upped the dose.  That did not help…that began a spiral that ended with me at my midwife’s office begging her to take my girls home and just love them.  She did the best thing…she called my hubby…and made arrangements for me to be hospitalized to make sure I was safe and medication could be addressed.  I spent 24 hours in the hospital…it was hard, really hard.  When I got out, my midwife continued to help by finding me a psychiatrist who would treat me while supporting my decision to nurse my baby.

It’s been a hard road.  My youngest is now 2 and a 1/2.  It’s been a long journey since my girl was born, but we are all healthy and well.  I have a team of people who love and support me and help keep us that way.

If you are new mom, a mom many times over, and adoptive mom or a dad, struggling after the addition to your family, seek help.  Do it for yourself and for your loved ones.  You’ll be glad you did.

If you need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8225)

If you are looking for pregnancy or postpartum support and local resources, please call or e-mail us:

Call PSI Warmline (English and Spanish) 1-800-944-4PPD (4773)

Email  support@postpartum.net

Depression doesn’t follow the rules. It doesn’t stay away when our kids are around and need us happy.  It doesn’t stay away when the weather is nice and it seems everyone else is enjoying the sun.

Depression doesn’t always look like it ought.  It doesn’t always present a sad face.  It doesn’t always bring tears.  It can’t always be seen outwardly.

Depression can’t always be talked away.  It is good to hear, “you are worth it.”  ”You are valuable.” But honestly, the depression might not be telling you that you are not those things.  It might just  be there.

Depression might be the shroud hanging around you.  It might just be this feeling of needing to be somewhere safe, with or without suicidal thoughts.  It might be a fear that has you looking around every corner for the weight of darkness you won’t be able to shake.

Depression doesn’t look the same for everyone.  It doesn’t look the same every time it descends.  It doesn’t provide a road map for how to escape.  It doesn’t just shake off.

Depression doesn’t play fair.

There are two people living in me. And I am not dealing well with this fact.

On the one hand, I am a good mama. I take care of my kids, and my home (okay, don’t look around at the home right now…). I talk to my husband. I love my family so much. And that is the real me. The me I recognize.

Then there is this one me. An angry, angry me. She was escaping for a few days. Then the doctor upped my medication and she doesn’t show anymore. He said it was mania or depression. The horrible words and screaming are not escaping. But the angry woman is still there.

She gets so angry. Her thoughts and words are vile. And I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t scream the words and get them out. No one would ever forgive me if I said those things to them.

So I read my Bible more. It says what is in the heart comes out the mouth. So I have to fix the heart, right?

It’s not working.

The anger, judgement, and hatred are still there.

I don’t know what to do.

And I hate myself for it.

This isn’t how I am supposed to feel, think or act. This isn’t how I was raised.

I am a Christian woman. I spend time reading the Bible. I know an awful lot of what is in there. I have been studying it since I was 4. I am definitely not supposed to be thinking or feeling this way. I can’t even bring myself to tell any of my friends from church. What would they think? The woman inside of me really is that bad.

Have you ever struggled with anger? What did you do about it?

The last two weeks I have been battling something. I didn’t talk about it for days unless it was completely unavoidable. I even kept my mouth shut on social media expect in private messages. I was terrified of judgement. I was afraid people would think I was a bad mom.

We were battling head lice. That is an epic battle in a house of 5 people.

But nobody talks about it. Nobody warns you of all the laundry. All the tears shed by the girls as their heads are combed through again. Nobody tells you how isolated you will feel as you are afraid to go to church or public places for fear of spreading the little buggers.

And nobody told me the anger it would incite inside of me. How I would feel so helpless and mocked as I did everything to get rid of them only to have us find more bugs.

Unfortunately, lice are not the only things mamas don’t talk about.

People don’t talk much about depression and mental illnesses. It is taboo. We want to pretend it is not there, because then it can’t happen to us, right?

This attitude hurts mamas. They bring home a baby through adoption or birth. The happiest time of their lives, right? And yet they are filled with anxiety, anger, rage, sadness. But they don’t talk about it. They don’t find out postpartum depression is very common and treatable. They slug it out alone.

But you don’t have to. There are lots of mamas that know the reality of postpartum depression. I found an amazing community on twitter, #ppdchat. We have moderated chats twice on Mondays (yesterday we were even trending during one of the chats) and the rest of the week there are always mamas if you just tweet with the hashtag.

I also found great support through my midwife. She worked with me for over a year until I found a psychiatrist who could help.

It takes work, which is likely no what a mama wants to hear when already doing so much with a new baby, but just like that baby is worth all that work, so is the mama.

Reach out, get help, talk about it.