Category Archives: Faith

Sometimes Life Comes Full Circle

Posted on June 30, 2013 | 1 comment

Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote this post about my faith.

I was struggling.  Truly floundering.  Like I had never done.

Then suddenly, the struggle ended.  About the same time I lost my job, the desire to seek the Lord came back.  Praying seemed worthwhile again, whether or not there were answers, church wasn’t such a hardship.  I was still somewhat uncomfortable in the services, but it was livable.

Unfortunately, I have noticed over the last  month or so, that things have gotten harder.  I am still reading my Bible, thank you YouVersion, and praying some.  But man the services are HARD.  Today I had to walk out during the singing portion.  It just hurt too much.  I literally felt shock waves of pain going through me, radiating along my spine.

I went outside for a minute to get some food to donate to local food banks, then came back in, not sure what to do.  I looked at the books for sale in the church library.  And then sat down in the foyer in time for the sermon to start.

I was okay.  There were parts of the sermon that stung.  Isn’t that the point?  But I could sit there.  I could hear it.  I could receive it without pain and tears.

I don’t understand.  I really don’t.  I know the lat few days have been hard mentally.  I had to call the psych for some advice and renew my usage of Xanax.  That has taken the edge off.

But I didn’t expect today.  I didn’t anticipate walking out of church, needing to escape.  And once again, I don’t know where to go from here.  So, I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other until something makes sense again…and hope that’s soon.

1 Comment

Posted in Faith

Day 2

Posted on December 18, 2012 | 1 comment

Here it is.  Day two of letting my girls go back to school.

Yesterday was horrible.  I begged God to let them wake up just sick enough to stay home.  They both had very mild colds.  I asked them a thousand times if they wanted to stay home with mommy.  No.  No matter how many times I asked.

I cried as I watched them get in the truck to leave.  I sobbed as they drove away. I cried throughout the day as I counted the hours and minutes until they got home.  I ran to the door several times in the afternoon thinking it was them.

I passed my day cuddling Patrice.  It did not go fast enough.

I was told on twitter and facebook that I needed to trust God and have more faith.  I don’t know what to do with that advice.  What good does that do except to insult me.  And insinuate the writer knows the state of my faith and beliefs.  I know it just left me cold and angry.  Maybe people are right, maybe I don’t have enough faith.

My heart just keeps replaying an agony I can not really imagine.  That is too horrible to imagine.  To lose a child.  My heart goes out to those mamas and daddies that buried their babies yesterday, and will in the days to come.  And I beg God to bring my babies home.

I again let them go to school today with bated breath.  I waved until they were out of sight.  And I am counting the hours.

Bring them back to me safe and sound Lord Jesus.

1 Comment

Posted in Caitlyn, Faith, Patrice, Sue

Sue’s Big Moment

Posted on October 2, 2012 | 5 comments

We are Christians.  And in our religious beliefs and traditions, one comes to their point of salvation in their own time and place.  But it is absolutely necessary for each person to confess their sins to Jesus and ask Him to cleanse them from sins and come live in their heart.

Last night, all the kids and daddy were playing in the living room.  As only kids can do, they managed to each be doing something totally different–inches away from each other.  And I hear Sue saying “I’m pretending to be baptised so Jesus can wash away my sin.

This was a moment I couldn’t miss.  Facebook could wait.

I headed into the living room.  “Sue, come here.  Do you know what it means to have Jesus wash away your sins?  Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes.”

So in simple, clear terms, I explained sin and forgiveness and asked her if she wanted to pray to ask Jesus into her heart.

She did.

She prayed.

You could hear the truth ring through.

This mama is so proud and happy.

Sue has Jesus in her heart.

5 Comments

Posted in church, Faith, Sue

Deeply Personal

Posted on July 5, 2012 | 39 comments

I am about to write a post that may be the most personal I have yet to publish.

I picture a huge auditorium of women. They are of every age, culture and church denomination. There are thousands of them.  They are all there for one purpose and reason–to learn about and worship God. 

I’ve been there, I have gone to the conferences and concerts many times. And enjoyed them. But today, this day? I can’t imagine going, or wanting to go, ever again.

Something has happened over the last few months. I have gone from ambivalent about my faith, to just not caring.

I know what I believe to be true. I know Jesus is the Son of God, born to the Virgin Mary, lived a sinless life, died on the cross for our sins and rose again on the third day. I know it to be true, I just don’t care. And I don’t care if I ever care again.

I have believed this since I first went to church at age 4. I went to a Christian liberal arts college and was a missionary in my 20s. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have questioned God about things, but I have always cared about my faith; my response has always been to pray. This, this is different. I don’t even know what it is.

I am not mad at God. I am just done. Going to church is so hard. Last time I went I had to take anxiety medication to get through it. Some of it is because of a crowd, but some of it is this serious disconnect between what I believe and what I care about.

There is no feeling left. There is no sense of direction. There is no hunger for the things of God.

Verses I have known and found comfort in seem hollow and empty. I know all the right things to say, they just fall flat. Now, more times than not, I find my comfort in music like P!nk, Cold Play and Adelle, not in Christian artists like Wayne Watson, Steven Curtis Chapman and Mikes Chair.

Will I ever find myself drawn back to the Bible? To prayer? To church? To large conferences? To concerts?

More importantly, will I feel a tug toward the Lord, toward His truth? Will my walk with the Lord come out of this intact? What will it look like if it does? What will I look like?

I have no answers. I am quite rudderless right now. I put one foot in front of the other to walk, but don’t know where I am headed or if I want to go there.

 

 

 

Linked up for Pour Your Heart Out.

39 Comments

Posted in church, Faith

Working out the Struggle

Posted on April 15, 2012 | 5 comments

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free

But you think you’re the one that grace could never reach

So you just keep asking, Oh, what everybody’s asking

[Chorus] Am I more than flesh and bone?

Am I really something beautiful?

Yeah, I want to believe,

I want to believe that I’m not just some wandering soul

That you don’t see and you don’t know Yeah,

I want to believe,

Jesus help me believe

That I am someone worth dying for

From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mikeschair-lyrics/someone-worth-dying-for-lyrics.html

This song was “dedicated” to me by a college friend after I wrote this post  about  being worth fighting the depression for, but admitting I wasn’t sure  Christ came to die for me.

It is aptly named “Someone Worth Dying For”  I love the truth of this song, but must admit I am still grappling with it; I am also working through a lot of other aspects of my faith and personality.

I’ve put a lot of my struggle out here on my blog, but at the same time, there is much I cannot verbalize or express.  It’s hard to have all the words, btu this I know to be true…

God is okay with my struggle.  He knew, before my mother found out she was expecting a baby, what my path would lead to.  He knew about the Multiple Sclerosis, depression and other issues that have arisen.  And, glory to God, He knows the outcome, though I do not.

In what areas are you struggling?  Where is your faith in the struggle?  How can I pray for you today, and in the future?

5 Comments

Posted in church, depression, Faith, hope, Postpartum Depression, praying

Faith is Hard–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

Posted on February 25, 2012 | 7 comments

As I recently talked about, I am worth fighting the depression for, and I am worth Jesus dying for, but that last part is hard.

Faith is not easy.  We have to choose to believe things we can’t explain completely.  Faith in God is not the only time we do that, we actually do every single day.  I can’t explain gravity, but I know it is true.

But faith is different in that it is a relationship with God.  It is opening ourselves and trusting Him.  Again, faith is not the only time we do this, we do it with friendships, spouses, children, but those we can see and understand.  We understand people being sad, failing, being angry.  We get that.  But God?  We can’t see Him.  We can’t read His facial expressions.  We can’t feel His arms around us.  It is hard to trust someone you never see or hear.

It’s even harder when your soul hurts.

I’ve dealt with various illnesses.  All of them drain you, but none has sapped the soul like depression.  None have every taken my ability to pray.  None have made me scared of church.

Depression does that.

How do you go to church when you are just going to cry?  How do you pray when you have no words?  How do you believe God can love you when you hate yourself?

Depression is hard and it steals the faith that could make it easier.

Linking up with Secret Mommyhood Confessions. and Things I Can’t Say.

 

7 Comments

Posted in depression, Faith, Mommyhood Confessions

I Am Worth It

Posted on February 10, 2012 | 16 comments

It’s important to fight for others.  To work to make yourself better for others.  It is important to love others enough to do the right thing by them even when you are unable to do it for yourself.

I have fought for my family, particularly my girls, for the last 18 months.  I would remind myself over and over they were worth fighting for.  I said it aloud.  Every time I had to face the hard, I would remind myself that I would go anything for my girls.

“They are worth whatever it takes.”

So many people have told me, “you are worth it too.  You are worth fighting for.”  I wanted to believe them, but I would look at them and say, “right now I am fighting for my girls.”

Over the last month and a half of seeing the new doctor, I am learning a lot. I am seeing progress even in the dark times.  Even when this last downturn came, I could point at the things I was learning about me and the victory I was seeing and I could tell myself, see, the lies are just that, because you know you are making progress.

Yesterday I guest posted over at Kristen’s about postpartum depression and anxiety.  Today I decided to respond to any comments that came in.  As I was doing so, I saw myself typing, “I know the day is coming when I will be able to fight for me, but for now, I fight for them.”  And as I typed, I realized that day had come.  Today was the day I realized I am worth fighting for.

For the last many months, I have known that if it weren’t for my family I would have succumbed to the darkness.  Today I realized that even if my family were not here, I am worth fighting for.  I am worth telling the depression I will not believe it’s lies.  I will not live in the darkness forever.

I posted about it on facebook today.  I was too excited to hold the revelation in until I could blog.  A friend reminded me that yes, I have always been enough.  I was enough for Jesus to come die on the cross for, so yes, I am surely enough reason to survive depression.  She’s right.  But I had another epiphany.

I’ve always known Christ came to earth to seek and save the lost.  And I am among the saved, but in truth, I have never believed He came for me.  I have always believed He came for others and because He did I can benefit;  but if it were just me on this earth, I have always believed He would not have come.

And when you don’t believe you are enough for the core of your entire belief system, it is hard to believe much else.

I will admit the switch hasn’t completely flipped on that last part. I’ll get there, but it is going to take some time.  Please no sermons in the meantime.  Please know I don’t doubt my salvation, I doubt that He came for MY salvation.

But for today, I know I am enough to fight the depression.  I am enough.

 

Linking up for Thought Provoking Thursday.

 

16 Comments

Posted in blog hops, depression, Faith, Postpartum Depression

Word for the Year

Posted on January 4, 2012 | 7 comments
I have been seeing various posts about a word for the year.  And I am working on jumping on board…I am going to link over here.  My word is…

Discipline

I might hate myself for choosing that…but honestly, having a plan and checking things off brings me a great deal of peace.

As of late, I have been doing fitness challenges that spell out what to do by when.  I love the motivation it gives me and the sense of accomplishment.  I have even recently added a 1/2 marathon that I will do May 20.

I am finding accomplishment in following an eating plan through weight watchers.  I feel good making quality decisions.  It helps me make sense of my choices.

But the third area is the most important.  Our pastor challenged us Sunday to read through the Bible from beginning to end this  year.  I can see this one being the hardest to do…though I did get caught up tonight.  But that is the thing, I already had to get caught up.  That makes me a little sad. 

Yet should it?  I am not setting out to be perfect, I am setting out to discipline myself so that I might improve…never reaching perfect, but getting closer.

1 Corinthians 9:27

but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.     (New American Standard Bible)

Won’t you join me this year as I grow in discipline?

…

7 Comments

Posted in beginning, church, Faith

Forgiving Ourselves

Posted on October 5, 2011 | 2 comments

This is a good reminder for us all.  I have always struggled with remembering all too well my sins, my failures and just dumb things I have done.  Thinking to a setting or siutation brings all the emotions flooding back.  I think it is part of what makes the postpartum depression and pospartum anxiety so hard to leave behind. I can think of a situation and/or memory and the feelings flood in, as if it were still that day.  It happens with both good and bad memories, but more poignantly with failures, sins, pain.   I don’t think I am alone in this.  Our minds and hearts torture us.  Satan twists memories to make us doubt the Lord’s forgiveness.    We beat ourselves up.  But we can have freedom.  We can have forgiveness.  Reach out for it.  Accept it.  Embrace it. 

Will you reach out for it?  Will you embrace it?  Will you allow the Lord to give you His forgiveness?  Will you forgive yourself?

Please come see what others have been thinking about.

2 Comments

Posted in Faith, songs

I Am No Theologian

Posted on May 15, 2011 | 7 comments

I am no theologian.  Let’s just get that out there.  But I am a Christian.  And there are a few things I believe to be true.

I believe Jesus is the Son of God, that He was born a man of the virgin Mary, that He lived a sinless life, died on the cross for our sins, rose from the grave after three days and ascended back into heaven where He sits at the right hand of God the Father.

I belive in the power of prayer.  I believe it is important to have that communication with God.  I believe He always hears us.  I believe He answers in the way He sees fit.  I know it is not always the way I think He should answer.  I believe He is able to heal us of all diseases and does so.  I believe sometimes He heals without the use of medicine, I believe sometimes He waits until we are in heaven to heal us completely.  And I believe sometimes He uses medicine to bring about healing in our lives.

And I believe that sometimes that is not the way I wish He would do things.  I most certainly wish the postpartum depression were gone.  I wish it would have never come in the first place.  I could have lived my whole life without experiencing the depression and anxiety of the last 9 months.

When it became apparent the postpartum depression was not going to leave on it’s own, my midwife and I began talking about possibly using an antidepressant.  I really struggled with that.  I really struggled with not being able to read my Bible enough or pray enough to get rid of the depression and anxiety.  I worried about what needing medication for my mental health would do to my witness as a Christian.  Would people see that as a failing in my faith?  Would it make non-believers, and believers, think my faith wasn’t strong enough or my God wasn’t big enough?

To be honest, I still worry and wonder.  Am I weak?  Am I not allowing God to work mightily enough in my life?

My friend Ali talked about postpartum depression in one of her recent posts.  She asks some very important questions, including am I overtired, am I exercising enough, and the tougher ones, how is my prayer life, am I spending time reading my Bible.  Everything she asks are valid questions.  And important to ask.  And I have asked them.  And they are a key place to start before making any decisions.  We do need to be taking care of ourselves in the basics of our physical life and our spiritual life.  Things go sideways when we are not doing so.  Rough times gets rougher if we don’t take care of ourselves.

And I will admit, I am lacking in some of those areas.  Could this time with postpartum depression be easier if I weren’t?  Maybe.  Do I wish I could pray my way out of this?  Definitely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But after asking myself the questions Ali brings up, I found something was still needed.

Right now the Lord is working in my life through medication and treatment, through help from other Christians lifting me up and carrying me, through introducing me to other ladies who are walking the same road of PPD.  I don’t know why I must go through the PPD, but through it seems to be my only option.  So I walk through it.  I cast my burdens upon the Lord.  I ask others to lift me up in prayer.  And I learn to trust the Lord more.  He knows the plans He has for me.  He knows why I am walking the road I am on.  He knows He is not punishing me.  He knows what the future holds.  And I know I will be okay because I know He holds the future.  And He holds me.

I pray you are able to let Him hold you in whatever joy or struggle you are living right now.  I pray He is drawing you closer to Himself regardless of the circumstances of your life.  And I pray my struggle with PPD has not confused your view of God.  He is all powerful to heal and to save.  I am frail and weak, but He is not.  Please know God wants to know you personally.  He wants to walk with you throughout all that is in your life.

Please let my blog, thoughts and Christian walk point you toward God, not away.  I am by no means perfect, but I desire to see the Lord working in my life and in yours.  Please ask me questions if something you see in my life is confusing, please ask if there is something I can join you in praying about.  Please know my heart is to see His glory, no matter how I might be acting!  Please.

7 Comments

Posted in An Ordinary Mom, blog hops, depression, Faith, Postpartum Depression, Thought provoking Thursday