Category Archives: Mommyhood Confessions

The Sun is Out Today–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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The sun has come out today

The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar…

Okay, I’m trying to be all creative and it is not working, I just can’t get the Annie song to come together like I am thinking it in my head so I’ll just say what I have to say…

This week was torture.  The thoughts of how to live this life with the pain, anger and anxiety neverending were unbearable.  But so was the thought of putting my family through another hospitalization.

But I was ready to do it if I needed to.

I promised my beloved cousin during a rough phase that I would never kill myself and promised another friend I would make decisions in the best interest of my mental health.  And I was ready to keep those promises even if it meant locking myself in a hospital for the second time in so many months.

Thankfully I had an appointment with my wonderful midwife this week and my psychiatrist.  She just hugged me as I cried Tuesday and prescribed a run when I got home.  It was good and wise advice.  We also brainstormed some other ideas.

Then Wedensday was my weekly psych appointment.  It was hard to talk without crying.  I had talked to him Monday and Tuesday asking for help so he was well aware of how things were before I walked in.  We upped my medication.  Discussed some other things.  I promised to head to the hospital if it got worse.

Thanks to the friends on twitter and a couple others who talked me through the week, I made it to today.  And the sun, at least right now, is out physically and metaphorically.

But this week has taken a lot out of me.  I wished many times that things in my life were different.  I wondered out loud why God was allowing this.  If He was going to help me as I struggled.  If I was going to make it to a brighter day.

Things are still scary in my heart and mind, but they are not as dark and for that I am thankful, because of that, I will dance in the spring sunshine.

This fuzzy picture describes the feelings inside me lately. I fight for that beautiful face.

I’m Scared of My Shower and My Church–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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I’m scared of my shower and it has nothing to do with Alfred Hitchcock.  By the way, they used chocolate syrup in the original movie for the shower scene.  It was the right consistency and the color didn’t matter in black and white.

But back to my shower.

It is one of the few places I get a few minutes to think (if I’m lucky) and during the early days of ppd/ppa it is where I would get overwhelmed with the thought of running from the life I loved.

Then recently it is where I was overtaken with the dark thoughts that led me to the hospital.

So while I am not afraid of it all the time, during times of stress and depression, it can be a trigger to take me to a scarier place.

I realized this week I have similar feelings toward my church.  I went there when Patrice was little for a luncheon.  The older girls were in a children’s program, Patrice was being held by another lady so I could eat my lunch.  And I remember thinking, I could run and the girls would be safe.

But I didn’t know where to go so I stayed.

Now, I feel terror when I go to church.  And I haven’t even been back in that room!

What do I do?  Any ideas?


Embarassed before kids–Secret mommyhood confessions

So the embarassment factor goes up when you have kids, like the day Caitlyn told a new friend she was feeling violent.  Yeah, she was repeating me.  What she left out was I was trying to convince hubby to buy me a punching bag for my birthday.

I was so embarassed.

But that does not compare to when I went on a mission trip to Mexico as a teen.  It was one of the few times in my life I owned a two piece bathing suit.  Because of the co-ed nature of the trip, I had to wear a t-shirt over the bikini top.  But a friend wanted to see to top too, so I lifted up my shirt.  Unbeknownst to me my top had come undone and was around my waist.  Yup, I flashed a guy on the trip.  I was sick with embarassment, but as I thought about it today, turns out he came out of the closet shortly after high school, so… was it really embarassing?

Better try again.

I traveled as a missionary after college.  It was a music group.  I was the interpreter for the Deaf.  So I moved a lot during the concerts.  Well one night we finished, so I went back to the music table to do my other job, sell CDs.  I didn’t have a chance to grab the money bag before people came up.  I sold a few, they gave me cash.  Our leader called us up for another song.  I stuffed the money in my bra.  Ran up front.  Started signing.  Again, moving a lot.  As I moved, money came up and out, down and out of my dress.  The drummer almost died laughing, “it was like a slot machine!  The more she moved her arms, the more money came out!!!!”

Writing it now, it’s funny, at the time I was mortified.

When have you been embarassed?

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Linking with Kimberly.

I am Excited–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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What am I excited about…well the problem Kim, is I am really excited about some stuff that normally, well, isn’t exciting.

Hubby says we can rip up the carpet in the girls’ rooms.  I am hoping for this weekend but he’s all “excited” about taxes.

I’m excited about all this extra energy I have so I can get a lot done.  My house is going to be CLEAN.  Watch out stuff and dirt.  You are GOING DOWN!!!!  As soon as my marvelous wit shows through this post and I wow you with my written word skills…

I am feeling great.  This is day four of feeling awesome, on top of the world.  I feel like dancing through my dirty house, so I shall turn on music nice and loud and clean away, because my clean house will be that much more fun to dance in.

I think after it is clean I shall throw the girls a party.  Wouldn’t it be fun to celebrate a clean house with a special treat and streamers?  Yes, that is what I shall do!!!!!!!!!

What are you excited about?? (I am also excited to link up with Kimberly)

And because there has been a lack of pictures in my posts…


Can I Do Saturday Confessions on Sunday?

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I have a million blog posts in my mind. I have a million other thoughts in my mind. It is hard to put any of them together. I couldn’t come anywhere near putting them together yesterday.

So, can you join me in pretending I am writing my Secret Mommyhood Confessions on Saturday? I’ll confess my need to follow all rules, even which day to post topics, on another Sunday Saturday…

In case you missed it, I recently weaned Patrice after 19 months of nursing. Of course, if you missed that, we have never crossed paths on twitter or my blog, so I should say, “HELLO, welcome to my part of the web!”

Back to the topic at hand.

Weaning her makes me sad, and scared.

Now before you think I’m getting on a high horse about how breast is best…let me pause and say, I believe that, but that is not any part of this blog post. I’ll let others worry about beating that drum.

I’m sad and scared for me, not her.

I’m sad because I was uber proud of being a nursing mama. It was something I set out to do and did it. Big confession here, I did it was some judgment of other mamas and from a high horse, but that is another topic, heck probably one for the doctor and I to deal with. Please let me say I’ve been learning a lot about that high horse and I’m climbing off of it.

I’m sad because now anybody can do any or all of Patrice’s care. She doesn’t really need me anymore. Daddy can do everything I can. A lot of it better than I. I can’t sit and cuddle her without her wanting to nurse. This morning she clawed me when I wouldn’t nurse her and tried to just hold her. She climbs into daddy and “Miss Susie’s” arms to be rocked. Not mine. Never mine.

I’m scared I will lose my place in the breastfeeding world. Who will listen to someone who weaned their baby for their own needs instead of letting the baby self-wean?

I’m scared the depression will deepen, as it already has, due to the hormone changes associated with weaning. Weaning itself can cause postpartum depression. What if I get even worse? I am hanging on by fingernails as it is.

And my biggest fear is the hormone changes will allow the Multiple Sclerosis to come out of remission and I will lose the physical progress I have made. And that terrifies me. A horrible run, where you fall flat on your face, is better than one single minute of steroid treatments for MS or half a moment in a wheelchair. What if the nursing and pregnancy, continuous for all these years, has kept me healthy. What will I do if I wake up one morning and I literally no longer know which was is up? I am pickin’ scared of that possibility. Just typing it is making me dizzy. Oh no.

(Um, yeah, I think it is a good thing I have a standing appointment with my doctor every week!!!!!)

What makes you sad or scared about a big change in your life?

Join me at Kimberly’s.

Stuffing it or Reframing it–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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As I have mentioned, the doctor has correctly pinpointed that I stuff emotions.  I’m okay with accepting that, but now what?

It turns out I need to wean Patrice from nursing so the doctor and I can get more aggressive with treating the depression.  Trust me, that was a hard decision.

I cried and cried Thursday at work.  And then I started thinking.

I have been nursing or pregnant from November 2005.  I have been wearing nursing undergarments and nightgowns since August 4, 2006.  As of next week, I need to replace all these items with “regular” woman apparel.  And I am going to try a chocolate martini.

I changed how I am thinking about it, I reframed it…I think.

I’m sad about weaning Patrice, but I am a bit excited…

Am I stuffing it or reframing it?

Linking with Kimberly.

Faith is Hard–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

As I recently talked about, I am worth fighting the depression for, and I am worth Jesus dying for, but that last part is hard.

Faith is not easy.  We have to choose to believe things we can’t explain completely.  Faith in God is not the only time we do that, we actually do every single day.  I can’t explain gravity, but I know it is true.

But faith is different in that it is a relationship with God.  It is opening ourselves and trusting Him.  Again, faith is not the only time we do this, we do it with friendships, spouses, children, but those we can see and understand.  We understand people being sad, failing, being angry.  We get that.  But God?  We can’t see Him.  We can’t read His facial expressions.  We can’t feel His arms around us.  It is hard to trust someone you never see or hear.

It’s even harder when your soul hurts.

I’ve dealt with various illnesses.  All of them drain you, but none has sapped the soul like depression.  None have every taken my ability to pray.  None have made me scared of church.

Depression does that.

How do you go to church when you are just going to cry?  How do you pray when you have no words?  How do you believe God can love you when you hate yourself?

Depression is hard and it steals the faith that could make it easier.

Linking up with Secret Mommyhood Confessions. and Things I Can’t Say.


I’m Scared of Feeling So Good–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

In case I haven’t mentioned it, the last 18 months has been a long journey with depression.  Long.  Yanno, in case I forgot to mention it.

Lately, has been better.  With some good breakthroughs that are going to benefit me and my family now and in the future.

I realized, in addition to the fact that I am worth the fight, but also, that I am not damaging my girls with this struggle, they are actually going to benefit as I get better.  They will have a stronger, happier mommy.  I won’t be perfect, darn, but I will give them less of my issues, less of my hang-ups.

I’ve also realized the postpartum depression is not an isolated incidence.  It is not my first experience with depression.  And very likely will not be my last.  Both the doctor and a friend think that is a good thing to realize.  I’m not sure how it fits into my continued healing and long-term health, but for now, it is what it is.

I am thrilled to have had some good revelations that are bringing me more freedom and health.

But I am scared.  What if this is a high and the bottom drops out again?  Will these revelations, along with my family and faith, sustain me?  Or will I see only the darkness and anxiety again?  Is this just a temporary lull?  Will life again hurt like it did last month?  Will the progress stay?  Or disappear like the mist?

Linking up for Secret Mommyhood Confessions.

Playing With My Kids? Secret Mommyhood Confessions

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I love having my girls. 

Really, I do. 

I do not enjoy playing with my kids.  The thought of playing Candyland or dolls with them, at least at this age, fills me with dread.

So what is a mom to do?  Well, there is letting your kids play computer games or watch too much TV, but that brings guilt after awhile.

Other days I do craft projects with them.  It’s a win-win.  I don’t have to play with them but we get to do things together and I get to feel like a good mom. 

See, win-win.

This weekend Caitlyn and I worked on her Valentine’s for school.







I Wonder How I Got Here–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

I never thought I would get married or have kids.

I was 29 when hubby and I got married.

31 when our first was born.

32 when the second flew into our lives.

35 when the latest joy joined us.

I love being a mom.  LOVE IT!

I love being a wife.  LOVE IT!

I often wonder how in the heck I got here and what to do now!

I am a self absorbed, needy, whiny brat.  How can I be a good wife?  How can I give of myself to my family?  They deserve more.  They deserve better.  Hubby deserves a wife who cooks and cleans and talks sweetly.  My girls deserve a mama who doesn’t get irritated when they interrupt her, yell when they make her late, hide when she is overwhelmed.

I wonder how I got here–and how they are going to survive.

Linking up with Make Mommy Go Something Something.