My older girls have a snow day today. I’m good with that. We didn’t get a lot of snow but our school system has no bussing and I don’t like the thought of being one of all those parents out there carting around my kids.
Several other things have been canceled today as well, either because of snow or because kids were unexpectedly home from school. When one person on my facebook canceled something she said she needed to invest in her children today.
This has been gnawing at me ever since.
Most days I am not investing. And I hate it. I am not the mother I dreamed of being. Lately, a day has been a win if I haven’t yelled or screamed at anyone. That is the only criteria.
It’s not that I don’t desire to go beyond that, but so many days it is just hard. It is hard to get beyond survival. Like this morning. I wasn’t mad at anyone, but it was hard to be investing while cleaning pee off the carpet, being asked for a snack and an additional million things.
How do I thrive in that?
My moments are taken with potty training, homework and book reading.
When do I just be with them and love on them? How do I balance that with my need for space? Am I allowed to need space?
When I was working outside the home I gave myself very little time away from them as I was already gone for so much of the day. Now, I am home, and I give myself even less time away from them. I wanted to be home. I should be enjoying every moment, soaking it in, investing in them.
They will be grown and gone before I know it. I have to invest now before my window of opportunity is gone and they are out in the world. How dare I, as a woman, a mother and a Christian, just survive.
More and more often I am coming to the realization I am not cut out to be a mother. I am failing my children, my husband and my God. I am a terrible mistake.