Category Archives: questions

Jumbled Thoughts of Struggle and Joy

I have been enjoying the exercise of counting my blessings on Mondays while joining in

If for nothing else but the beautiful song that plays on the host’s blog.  It is the most soothing song I have ever heard.  Yet it is unsettling.  I don’t think it is the notes themselves, but how the notes and the rhythm blend together into this song I associate with the lovely blog where it finds a home.

The writer’s words and thoughts unsettlingly beautiful.  Her perspective pushes my heart to think a little harder, a little deeper and yet, she writes of being thankful for the same types of things I am thankful for.  It creates a tension.  I can’t quite say I relish in the tension, but it is there to explore when my mind and heart are quiet.

Truth be told, my mind and heart are not often quiet right now.  I am sure I have mentioned before, I have learned I am not quiet when walking through depression.  Quite the contrary, I am busy.  Mentally, emotionally and physically.  I do not want my girls to see me sad; I do not want them to suffer, so I keep going.  Sadness, confusion and frustration cannot catch me.  Overall, I am doing much better, but I still find it impossible to slow down.  It is impossible to sit and be.

Keeping a happy face is not my only reason for moving, going.  I also know if I slow down I will have to recognize this new place the Lord has brought me to.  He has brought me out of my comfort zone.  I’m not sure why.  I see some glimmers, the story of Postpartum Depression has been told a few extra times because of this path I have walked, a local doctor who can help other mamas has been found.  I see glimmers.

There might be more to it than that.  I am not ready to see it yet.

I am just getting some of my footing back, some of my equilibrium reestablished.  If I slow down, how will the Lord use this work in me?  Might he be trying to peel back more of my layers?  Does He have a plan to move me even further out of my comfort zone?  Will I be able to understand where He is leading me?  Can I trust Him in the uncertainty?  Can I put my hand in His hand?  More importantly, can I put my heart in His hand?

Asking Why

I went to a small Christian Liberal Arts college.  At the time I attended, there were about 750 students on campus.  As you might imagine, you get to know just about everybody on campus, especially when you work in the dining commons like I did.  And even if you weren’t close to someone on campus, it was more than likely one of your friends was.

It’s been almost 14 years since I graduated.  Thanks to social networking, many of us have reconnected.  And this last week it came into play in a huge way.

News went out Saturday afternoon of a tragedy befalling a couple from our college community.  The family had been travelling in poor weather and had to pull over on the expressway.  The vehicle they were in was hit by a semi truck.

The wife was 37 weeks pregnant.  She died from her injuries.  The baby, a girl, was delivered about 45 minutes later and in critical condition.

A group to pray for the dad and daughter was started on facebook.  Soon thousands of people were praying for this little girl.  The size of the group quickly grew beyond those who knew the family, to many more who did not.

While we asked for Miranda to be healed and able to stay here with her daddy, the Lord had other plans.  Little Miranda went home to Jesus at 3 days old.  She and her mommy are together.  And her daddy is left to grieve his double loss.

And all of us are left to ask why.  Why God didn’t save Sara or heal Miranda.  Why a family that wanted this baby so much was robbed of so many dreams. 

My asking doesn’t give me any answers, so I am going to ask something else.  Please pray for the husband and father as he buries his wife and daughter tomorrow.  Please pray for grace and mercy.  Please pray he somehow makes it through this.  Please pray his faith holds.  Please pray God might grant that he see how the life of his family was used for God’s glory.  Please pray for this and so much more. 

You can read more of their journey here.  Please pray.  Please, please pray.

From the mouth of Babes

Last week at daycare, Caitlyn and the other 4 year old had a theology conversation…

Jane said, ‘Jesus lives in Heaven.”
Caitlyn said, “no, Jesus lives in your heart.”
Jane, “My Sunday School teacher says God lives in Heaven.”
Caitlyn, “well mine says Jesus lives in your heart.”
Jane, “Well, it’s both.”
Caitlyn, “How can it be both?”

They moved on to other things.  But wow, what a great conversation.

Then today I got to witness Caitlyn trying to explain some things to Sue.

Sue said, “How did the hot dog get in my corn dog?”
Caitlyn said, “That’s how God made it.”
Sue, “well how?”
Caitlyn, “God did it all in a row.”
Sue, “Why?”
Caitlyn, “Because that is how God wanted it to be.”
Sue, “I don’t care.”
Caitlyn, “But God cares about you.  He loves you.  Don’t you want Him to live in your heart?”

And off Sue went to do something else.

Wow, they do take in what we say.  Sometimes it is interesting how they interpret it, but it’s a start, huh?

Thank you Lord Jesus for working in our little ones hearts.  And thank you for the Sunday School teachers who sow into them.  They listen to what they hear there and at home.  And for that I praise You!!!

Not sure where to go from here…maybe Kenya?

So, I think one of the valuable things about blogging is the ability to connect us to each other for the spreading of the Lord’s work.  Sometimes that is encouraging and sometimes that is uncomfortable and oft times, it is a bit of both.  That is where I find myself as I read about MckMama’s experiences in Kenya

The above link is just one of several days of blogging she has done from some very desolate areas in Kenya.  I see her pictures of children and her pleas to have us join her in helping the children of Kenya by sponsorship through Compassion International.  And so far I don’t know what my role is.

I have used my twitter and facebook accounts to retweet her updates on how many Kenyan children Compassion still needs sponsors for, and I am thrilled to see that number decreasing (most recent update was 750 children).  But am I supposed to help that number decrease through signing up to support one of them?  I don’t know.

I am no stranger to sponsorship.  I sponsored a girl in China through World Vision for several years until she moved out of the program area.  Before that I sponsored a children through Children International.  I have also given many times to Feed the Children.  And several other ministries.

But what about right now?  What is my duty?  What is the Lord asking me to do?  I have NO idea.  I really don’t.  Is what we are giving to our church right now, the amount the Lord wants us to give?  Are the occassional gifts we are giving what He is asking of us right now?  Are the gifts in kind we give what He has in mind right now?  Again, I have no idea. 

I am scared to give more right now.  I work in the auto industry.  So far so good for me, but wow, the gloom there is just starting to lift, well maybe not even lift, maybe just thin.  How do I take my eyes off that to see what else the Lord wants me to give?  How do I teach my girls to be generous when I am too afraid to increase my own giving?  I have no answers, just lots of questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. Am I hiding behind my questions?  Maybe.  Is asking them my way of claiming some action in my inaction?  Maybe.

So for now, I continue to ask my questions, while asking you to visit MckMama’s blog to see even more what what she is sharing.  Take a peak at the desolation and the hope.  Please consider your role, whether it is in your own neighborhood or somewhere across the globe.  And maybe together we will find our time and place to jump from doubt to action.