Category Archives: random thoughts

I May Be Two

I was thinking today about Patrice and how attached she is to her speech therapist and Caitlyn’s teacher. It was a quick connection for her. She adores them.

I worry about the day those associations end.

I also make quick connections and get too attached.

Take my midwife. I adore her. She’s been instrumental in bringing our three girls into this world. She helped me when no one would after Patrice was born. But I highly doubt she cares about me as much as I care about her.

It makes me feel desperate and unworthy. I’ve always struggled with friendships.

How do I guide my girls to strong, healthy relationships?

How do you help your kids learn how to build friendships?

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The Best

I tried to explain to hubby why I was so upset about feeling like I don’t invest in my kids most of the time; why just surviving is such trauma to me.  He thinks it is because I worry too much about what others think of me.  But it is not that simple.

Yes, I worry what other people think.  I know my parenting style changes when there are people around, I don’t want them to think I am doing it wrong.  Yet,  for the most part, I am proud of a lot I have done.  I was a breastfeeding, babywearing mama.  I let my kids know I love them and am proud of them.

But I am haunted with the thought I am not investing in them enough.  I am afraid they don’t believe how much I love them.  I am afraid they won’t know how much my heart breaks when things go awry, when I yell too much or get too frustrated.

I want so much for them to understand how much I want to pour into them.  How I want them to see and know the Love of God first, here at home.  How I want them to have the self-confidence to head out into the world with their heads up high.  How I want them to know home is a safe place to land, always.

What do you want for your kids?  How do you show them?

 

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Like Nails on a Chalkboard

I love my kids.  Like crazy.  To distraction.

But sometimes their sound is like nails on a chalkboard in my soul.  It is just so loud.  And before you tell me to teach my kids not to yell, I’m not talking about them yelling.  Just talking, running around, playing.  It just gets loud.  And can shock my system.

Some days, it is my own fault.  If I forget to take my morning meds, things are worse.

But other days I do take them. And it is rough anyway.

I am an only child.  My house, growing up, was not filled with noise.  I went to small schools, the classes weren’t that large.  There just wasn’t a lot of noise.  And I liked it that way.

Typically, when just Patrice and I are home, it is pretty quiet and mellow.  And, Praise the Lord, she still naps, which helps.

But we’ve had days off school, snow days and sickie days lately.  And the noise can push me to the edge of madness.

I remind myself that noise is my kids.  Mine.  And that helps.  It does.  But it isn’t a mute button.

I spend more time than I wish telling the girls to quiet down, not run so much.  And fighting the urge to turn on the manageable noise of the television.  I am proud to say, the girls haven’t watched any tv today.  I have dealt with it as much as possible by closing doors, dividing and conquering, and just gritting my teeth.

But I tell you what, the older two are going back to school tomorrow!!!

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How to Be Happy

Are we ever really happy? Are we capable of being happy?

When I was working, I wanted to be home with my kids. Now that I am home, I don’t want to be working, but I want…something.

I love watching Patrice play. I love talking to her throughout the day. I am so relieved I am home right now as we battled lice (we have come out the victors) and now are dancing with the stomach virus.

But that’s what I am–home. I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything. My claim to fame this week? I washed, folded and put away ALL THE LAUNDRY. Okay wait, that is a HUGE claim to fame and I am very proud…but back to our regularly scheduled programming…

I am lonely. I don’t go to Bible Studies. I haven’t even been to church. I go grocery shopping once a week.

I told my hubby earlier today that I was going to go out when he got home. But then realized what I really want is people, and if I go somewhere I will be alone. So, I’m better off staying home.

Am I alone in this conundrum? Do any of you mamas feel it? How do you deal with it?

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Yes I Love

I have been home full-time now for about 6 weeks.

I love how Patrice now follows me around and looks for me (instead of daddy).

I love being here for her speech therapy.

I love being able to take her to the gross motor skills play group last week.

I am even growing to like picking up the older girls at school.

I love that I could be home with Sue last week when she was sick.

But it’s not all roses and sunshine.

The transition from working full-time has been hard.  I miss having something to talk about when my husband comes home.  He doesn’t exactly want to hear about how I washed diapers today or what is happening on facebook and twitter.

The worrying about finances is excruciating.  Though we are so thankful for our Church and friends who have helped.  I worry every day about what we will do when the holidays are over and people forget our needs.

I hate that I have to find a new psych doctor.  Like cry every time I think about it hate it.  But you better believe I am so thankful we have medical insurance.

Life is a mixed bag right now.  It’s hard.  And things are slipping a little bit for me.  But I am not alone.  I have my wonderful hubby and three girls.  I have friends, I have my church and I have my faith.

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Now That It’s Over

I’ll say here on my blog that the girls and I have been on our own since Thursday night. Daddy had to travel for a family wedding.

Daddy never travels. Daddy is never gone. So this was big. Really big.

Friday I had to do pick up from school which had me tied in knots I wasn’t sure where to go or what to do. I only did pick up last year like once. And this year is different with one in kindergarten and one in 1st grade. I left work in plenty of time. I got there with time to spare. I could get comfortable in my space before I had to hunt down kids. And I had forgotten Sue would know daddy’s routine. She was a big help.

Saturday us girls went to the hair salon and the big girls got trims and cuts as necessary. Patrice was fascinated, just watching the process. Then we went shopping and to a birthday party. I was nervous about that too. I didn’t want anybody thinking I couldn’t handle my kids. But I think we did okay.

Today was church and Bible Club. I was going to try to take them to lunch, but we ended up with fast food drive thru. Then to review our Bible verses and invite a friend to go to Club with us and back in the car to head to church.

Caitlyn said it best “I’m exhausted”

But I did it. WIth lots of emotional support from friends, but I did it, only crying once because I missed my hubby. And by tonight I’ll admit I’m glad I am no longer solo. I am relaxing and recharging thanks to my hubby being home.

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It’s Me Again

Not sure what I am thinking about today.  Here’s a stab at my brain…

  • I love how obedient my two year old is–most of the time.
  • I do not always love what a daddy’s girl she is when he is around.
  • At the same time I think her love of daddy is sweet and I want to foster it.
  • Speech therapy starts back up next week.
  • Tonight is parent night at Bible Club.
  • I’m not thrilled to be going to the meeting.  Been there, done that.
  • But I’ll go.  Sigh.
  • And I’ll probably love seeing the kids in their class!
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Getting Ready for School

This  year I have two, count them two, headed off to school.  Sue will be joining Caitlyn at her elementary school.

Unfortunately Sue is not yet exctied.  She is going to do so well.  Really.

Thankfully we have lots of hand-me-downs for both of the girls, so we don’t have to do a lot of school shopping–clothing wise, but wow, the actual school supply list is crazy.

Between the two of them, not including what I have already purachased, I still need:

  • 2 reams of paper
  • 3 boxes of kleenex
  • 2 boxes of snack bags
  • 1 box freezer bags
  • 2 boxes baby wipes
  • 2 rolls of paper towel
  • 4 large containers anti-bacterial wipes
  • 1 mini memo pad
  • 1 large eraser
  • 3 black dry erase markers
  • 1 yellow highlighter
  • 4 2-pocket folders
  • 2 spiral notebooks
  • 3×5 index cards
  • 1 bag of cotton balls
  • 1 pencil box

 At first I was just frustrated with all I had to buy, but lately I have gotten sad about it.  Sad that we are purchasing things that used to be provided.  Sad that things have gotten so tight financially for the classes that they need us to buy the wipes to clean the tables.  Sad that if we didn’t buy these things then the teacher would have to.  It is just sad.

What thing has recently struck you as sad?  What just pulls at  your heart?

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Random Thoughts

Loving on each other

I bought store brand diapers for the first time since Caitlyn was a baby.  Yes world, we stopped cloth diapering.  I just couldn’t do it anymore and hubby was more than willing to stop.  He was a good sport for a long time.

While I am confessing, I’ve also stopped making my laundry soap.  It was just one more thing always nagging at me–needing done.

I’m not going to lie, it is nice just throwing away the yucky diapers and buying a big bottle of soap.  Do I regret trying both of those things, not in the least, but at the same time, I am okay with where we are now.

I, under orders of my doctor, decreased one of my medications last night.  I am feeling more awake today than I have in months.  I do still feel out of it and spacey, but hopefully that will get better with time.

Saw my bipolar diagnosis written on official paperwork today for the first time.  Caused me to catch my breathe.  Yup, that is now PART of me.  It does not define me, it just explains some things.

Scheduled Patrice for a speech therapy evaluation.  Again, on recommendation of a doctor.  Our family doctor is concerned she does not talk enough.  She jabbers like crazy but only has about 10 words she says.  Hubby and I have talked often how she doesn’t have as many words as her sister’s did at age 2, but I thought we had just forgotten what 2 is like or were overreacting.  Now the doctor is saying the same.  Sigh.

Those are just some of the curve balls in our life.  How are things in your world?

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Preparing for Summer

The days are warm.

Okay, they are downright hot.

Wednesday was 100 degrees.  Today is 80+.

The girls have been playing in the sprinkler and the slip ‘n slide.

Fun, fun, fun.

Today we prepared for another part of summer, the indoor time.

We got craft supplies.  Paint, brushes, little wooden projects, felt kits, wooden craft sticks.  Oh the fun that is in store for us.

That time today, wiped me out.  I came home from our shopping ready to crash.  It is taking time to recover from the depression.  It is taking so much out of me.  But I shall go forward day by day until I am back to myself…

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