All to the Glory of God–that is why I blog and share my story so openly. I want others to know it is possible to live and parent well with mental illness. This, by necessity, causes my posts to be brutally honest, and that is not always pretty.
I have always endeavored to live by the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I know I have talked a lot about what makes Bipolar Disorder difficult. Want to know why? Because it is. Even when I am very, very stable, it is difficult.
Bipolar does not “just” make you happy or sad, it affects how you feel emotions. For example, my daughters have been begging for a dog for MONTHS. My hubby and I have both had dogs and love them, but we were enjoying not having to clean up poop, or take a dog out, or clean up dog hair, or find someone to take care of the dog when we are out of town. So, we said no.
They kept begging. Over time, I softened. I remembered how nice and calming it is to have a dog curl up with you and to sit and pet the dog, and just that love you get from a dog.
I decided a dog was worth all the trouble.
Daddy still needed some convincing.
Then, out of the blue, daddy told me he was on board with getting a dog.
I went to work looking for one. I visited animal shelters, I went to rescue events, I searched the internet by the hour. I applied for a dog. I called on dogs. Nothing. I was getting so frustrated with the process of applications, home visits, references. All of it.
I found this little gem and decided to try one more application.
I had to provide info on place of employment, references, vet information–the whole bit. I submitted it and we were approved about 20 minutes later!!! Daddy and I got pretty excited as we kept our secret. I told the girls we had to go shopping for a few puppy items to donate to an animal shelter since we didn’t have our own dog.
They bought it. They even believed that the lady bringing him over was just a friend of mine visiting. Daddy and I looked at him, asked our questions and decided he was the one. We asked the girls what they thought and they were non-committal…until they figured out we meant to keep him. Sue finally said, “wait–we’re getting a dog!!! EEEEEEEKKKKKK”
I had worked for months and weeks to make this happen. The girls were so happy. Hubby was impressed with the puppy, and I panicked.
My anxiety went up so, so fast! I started crying and shaking.
I wanted to enjoy this so much. Soooo much. And what do I get?
Anxiety and sadness. Lots and lots of anxiety and sadness.
Such an exciting fun thing.
And the Bipolar stole it from me.
I know it will be okay. We are having a great time with him. He is learning SO quickly, the girls are taking their new responsibilities very seriously. He is already part of the family. I am sure we made the right decision, but right now, I am just sad, and a little mad, that the Bipolar has stolen from me again.