Monthly Archives: January 2012

Secret Mommyhood Confessions–Going a Little Deeper

Posted on January 14, 2012 | 5 comments

As I talked about in my post Friday, there are a lot of thoughts running around in my head. They actually bubbled up last Saturday when I started chatting with Kimberly as I thought about one of my real “confessions” about mommyhood.

I am afraid I am clinging to the depression. I am afraid I am choosing not to get better.

Now, before you think I have completely come off my rocker, moments after we started this conversation, the anxiety started to climb and I knew in my heart, I am not choosing the depression and anxiety.

But I still wonder what my role is in getting or not better. Let me explain a bit…

I have had health issues my whole life. I was born prematurely. I ended up needing glasses at age 2. An eye doctor stressed how important it was that my “good” eye be protected. I can only read out of one, so if it got hurt, he stressed how I would never read again…My child-mind quickly developed an inordinate fear of balls, basketball, soccer, baseball, etc. If I saw one coming, I instinctively ran away. It was a true fear. Based in a health concern.

Then there were various things…I got used to people relating to me in relation to my health issues. In my teens I developed balance issues. It was mistakenly attributed to allergies…so I became dependent on shots…when they didn’t help, more tests revealed evidence of Multiple Sclerosis damage in my Central Nervous System. That disease can be very visible and take over your stinking life. It was an issue off and on through high school, college and into my working years. I used a cane in high school and college, was in a wheelchair off and on for several years. I did 15 hospital stays in 3 years, ranging from 3 days to 4 weeks long.

My (now hubby) and I started dating. Amazingly, he chose to marry me. He was willing to take on the risk that was life with me.

Praise the Lord, I went into remission. We started having children. I have an amazing midwife that walked and cared through the pregnancies. Then the postpartum depression came. As I have mentioned it has been quite a journey. With so many people supporting and encouraging me.

What happens when the depression is gone? And the MS is gone? And I no longer require maternity care of any kind?

My fear is people will no longer care about me. That I will disappear. Not from my kids or as a mom. I know they will always need me and that brings me a great deal of joy. But to the rest of the world…

I don’t have a career that matters. I talk too much, feel like I scare people away, been told I don’t know how to have or keep friends, I am abrasive. And when I am well, people in my life will gladly walk away…I will disappear.

Now please know, I am not at all reflecting on the quality of people in my life. There are amazing people in my life. Truly amazing. They will naturally seek out others like themselves.

I can understand. And I don’t judge them in the least. But it scares me. I don’t want to disappear.

I want my girls to be proud I am their mom. I want to be a good witness for my Lord. I want my husband to feel blessed having me as his wife.

Thankfully, in a long talk to my hubby recently, I found he sees a lot in me. I am greatly encouraged he loves me enough to want to stay married to me.

But I am afraid of who I am and how to relate to the world well and whole. Even more afraid that I am keeping myself here in postpartum depression land because of the fear. Maybe this is my fault.

I am walking a journey to learn about myself. I am terrified I will find the above to be true–that I will disappear, but I am hopeful my hubby’s view of me is accurate.

I am linking with Kimberly for Mommy’s Secret Confessions.

5 Comments

Posted in blog hops, depression, Mommyhood Confessions, Postpartum Depression

So Much Swirling in My Head

Posted on January 13, 2012 | 7 comments

The last week has been kind of big. Not in earth shattering changes, but in conversations that needed to happen, personal realizations and an understanding that I have a lot of work ahead of me.

Have you ever had a week like that, where you know you have changed. And yet, the world around you just keeps going, moving. And you can’t understand why no one else is feeling the same emotional earthquake as you?

This is one of those weeks.

And it is good.

I am not quite ready to share all that has shook my world, but here’s a bit:

1. I am glad I am doing therapy along with medication.

2. I think sorting things out, while uncomfortable, will make me more confident in my healing from depression.

3. It is a valuable exercise in your marriage or close relationships to have the other person describe you, who you are, to you. I was blessed beyond words to hear how my husband views me. He sees a me that gives me so much hope for today and the future. He sees a me that is capable of growing and reaching. He sees a me that I can envision him wanting to stay married to.

4. It is a hard comfort, but a comfort nonetheless, to spill some “truths” you know about yourself and have the hearer say, “I hear the depression talking.” My first reaction was to take it as a brush off of how I am feeling, but then I thought, no, if these truths I know, aren’t true, I am going to walk in more wholeness and healing (some day).

5. You never know, when you wake up, when a day is going to turn into one that involves some heavy thinking and conversations.

6. It’s really good to hear that someone is seeing the effort you are putting forth in a challenging area of life.

7. And, to not be too crazy serious, it is WONDERFUL to see muscle developing where you’ve never seen it previously.

I am linking up with

Life Ever Since.

7 Comments

Posted in blog hops, depression, Life Lessons

Making Changes…

Posted on January 12, 2012 | 3 comments

Changes. It seems like there have been lots of them!

I started weight watchers right before Thanksgiving, and before I go any further, I have to tell you this week was my best weight loss week, at 2.6 pounds, which brought me to 10.6 lbs lost since starting.

I think a big change that helped with that is drinking water. I am not the best water drinker…but have commited to drinking 64 to 80 ounces a day… And Monday, the day before my weigh in, I pulled it off.

I eat a lot of fruit and veggies. A lot! More than I have ever before! It feels good to be able to eat something when the idea strikes me…as long as I choose any fruit or most veggies. My newest veggie love? Mini sweet peppers. They are all different colors and look like banana or hot peppers, but they are really, really sweet. So much so that my hubby, who doesn’t like peppers, is rethinking his opinion…

As I have mentioned, I gave up diet coke. One of my BIG loves. I did great for a couple months. I have been struggling since Christmas. I have to admit I am waffling on that decision. But today I indulged in what used to be my normal daily intake and it made me very uncomfy…so I am going to try and get back on the “wagon.”

What changes are you making or considering to better your health?

Come over to Alicia’s and tell us about it!

3 Comments

Posted in blog hops, exercise, weight loss

Multitude Mondays and the Joy Dare: 271-281

Posted on January 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

I am continuing in my journey of counting my blessings, seeing God in the little and big gifts.

Ann Voskamp has challenged us to continue, and it is now called the joy dare. My hope is to dig deeper for the joy in all, big and little.

I find the majority of my joy is not from the big events, but the little. From

271 (10). how Patrice lifts her eyebrows as she nods her head up and down or side to side

272 (11). coming up with a new game to get the girls to clean their room with minimal fighting.

273 (12). another lady in the church nursery being willing to change all the kids before they were picked up.

274 (13). ability to laugh when kids are throwing fits.

275 (14). listening to daddy teach scales to oldest daughter on the piano we were given.

276 (15). knowing people that know people who have the skills we need.

277 (16). being able to change from telling someone I am ok, to I am good!

278 (17). getting compliments on my weight loss.

279 (18). days at work that go quickly.

280 (19). access to clean water for baths, cooking, drinking, playing. Read Ann’s post here about water and it’s value.

281 (20). friends to share the embarassing moments.

For what are you thankful?

Join us here in counting the joys.

Hello world!

Posted on January 9, 2012 | 1 comment

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

1 Comment

Posted in Uncategorized

When the Mitten is Unseasonably Warm

Posted on January 7, 2012 | 2 comments

I don’t normally post twice in one day…but hey, since the post I did earlier is probably a repeat and it is my blog…

This winter has been so mild here in the mitten and just odd. Tuesday it was 21 degrees, Friday it was 55 degrees!

Today was 40+, so what do Michiganders do when it is warm…get outside!!!

we took the tree to the park for recycling

Then Caitlyn got in some fun (don’t tell Sue who slept through it all)

2 Comments

Posted in Michigan Adventures, photos, Saturday Snapshots

Mommyhood Confessions–I Don’t Mind…

Posted on January 7, 2012 | 3 comments

As a mommy I think I am supposed to want my space. And sometimes I do. Sometimes it is uncomfy having all three kids piled on top of me in the chair. And when Sue was still nursing she would go through these phases where if I was in the room she wanted to nurse. I would sometimes hide upstairs in my bedroom to get a break from her nursing.

I gather from social media and jokes you hear that I should want my time in the bathroom alone. That I should want to go potty by myself. And a few days of the month, I do! But most of the time…I don’t mind them coming in when I am in the shower, or even going potty. I don’t mind them being in there when I am brushing my teeth or doing my hair.

My mom didn’t have a big issue with it either, so I think that is part of it. Also, I am away from my girls all week while at work, and I do get to potty alone there (I work in a male dominated industry and there are very few women in my area). I try to pack in a fair amount of time with my girls when I am home. And I have found some interesting convos happen in there. (Besides the obvious, not so interesting, ones)

We have talked about God and why He loves us. Why we need to make good choices. How much we love each other.

And all in all, I just don’t mind…

What are your mommyhood secrets? Head over to Kimberly’s to share.

*another confession? I seem to vaguely remember writing about this before but I am too lazy to go check…

3 Comments

Posted in blog hops, Mommyhood Confessions, random thoughts

Weight Loss Wednesday…A Few Hours Late

Posted on January 5, 2012 | 4 comments

My weight loss journey…

It has morphed in some ways, but primarily my motivation is my girls. Caitlyn, Sue and Patrice. I want them to learn healthy choices now so they won’t struggle with their weight their whole lives. And even bigger portion of that is my exercise. I really want them to learn exercise is fun, something we do and a normal part of life. Nothing brings me more joy then one of the girls asking me to go running with them or to go down to our “gym” downstairs. They love exercise and I love that!

It has grown in some ways as I have dealt with postpartum depression since Patrice was born. Exercise is my best weapon. It gives me a framework for my mental health, and so I exercise.

Somewhere a long the last couple months, I have gotten so used to my exercise regime, an insanity workout in the morning and running or biking in the evening, that yesterday I felt like a slacker when I only did my morning workout and I feel a bit wimpy today for just doing a few exercises and not today’s planned video…(I will do it tonight though!)

What motivates you? Write about it and share over here.

4 Comments

Posted in exercise, weight loss

Word for the Year

Posted on January 4, 2012 | 7 comments

I have been seeing various posts about a word for the year. And I am working on jumping on board…I am going to link over here. My word is…

Discipline

I might hate myself for choosing that…but honestly, having a plan and checking things off brings me a great deal of peace.

As of late, I have been doing fitness challenges that spell out what to do by when. I love the motivation it gives me and the sense of accomplishment. I have even recently added a 1/2 marathon that I will do May 20.

I am finding accomplishment in following an eating plan through weight watchers. I feel good making quality decisions. It helps me make sense of my choices.

But the third area is the most important. Our pastor challenged us Sunday to read through the Bible from beginning to end this year. I can see this one being the hardest to do…though I did get caught up tonight. But that is the thing, I already had to get caught up. That makes me a little sad.

Yet should it? I am not setting out to be perfect, I am setting out to discipline myself so that I might improve…never reaching perfect, but getting closer.

1 Corinthians 9:27

but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified. (New American Standard Bible)

Won’t you join me this year as I grow in discipline?

…

7 Comments

Posted in beginning, church, Faith

Multitudes Monday 262-270

Posted on January 2, 2012 | 2 comments

I have been doing laundry like crazy. I like to wash all clothes we get as gifts and then get them folded and put away. I’ve got most of the washing done…now for the folding and putting away. We were given so much for the girls that I think I am going to pull out most of what is currently in their drawers and give them all new fresh options!

So do I pack away all we currently have for the next child…the bonus of having three of the same gender, or do I realize we truly have enough put away for a mega family and donate some of what we have? It’s a hard choice.

Am I offending people who have given us so much if I give away what they have previously blessed us with? Am I being a good steward of resources if I keep them? Or am I just being selfish and hoarding if I box it all up just in case we need it later? (FYI, part of this thought process comes from watching an episode of hoarders last night)

Hmmm…

I’m really not sure what to do…

So for now I will begin with being thankful:

262. an abundance of clothes for my girls

263. massive abundance of toys for my girls

264. my girls truly don’t know what it is to want or need

265. family collecting pop can tabs, box tops for education and cambell soup labels so we can donate them to help others (Ronald McDonald House) and Caitlyn’s school (box tops and labels)

266. a new exercise challenge to get me moving again

267. a hubby who changes diapers (almost) willingly

268. cute baby nods and smiles

269. nutella on bread

270. time with cousins and family