Perfectionism Post Postpartum Depression

*I am not intending to give any medical advice, I am simple musing on my own experience.

My baby is 2 years old.  My battle with depression is 2 years old.  One is really cute; the other one not so much.  You pick which one is which.

Work has been really hard since dealing with postpartum depression.  I always feel like I am failing or am afraid I am going to fail any moment.  Knowing that I have done my best or have done well does nothing to drive these feelings away.  I wait in anxious anticipation of having someone find my error or failing.

This last week that also spilled over into my two girls birthday party.  I was a wreck because I was so afraid I would screw the party up.  My nerves were so bad.

The party turned out perfect, everything my 6 year old and 2 year old, and even their 4 year old sister, could want or desire.

And yet my tension stayed.  My poor hubby endured my anger, my frustration, and my sadness.  All seemingly, with no cause.

Then today, some ladies and I were talking.  And perfectionism came up.  And a light bulb went off.  That was it.  It wasn’t other people’s expectations of me, it was mine.

Somehow, my expectations of myself have gotten higher.  I expect more.  I am not measuring up to me.

Now what to do?