Monthly Archives: October 2012

I got outed today at work as to what is going on mental healthwise because my struggle has become so apparent.  I didn’t tell her EVERYTHING, but I told her quite a bit.  It was embarassing to be honest, but she took it in stride and was a great encouragement.  It was a relief.  I have one other friend who knows the truth, and she knows the whole truth, but otherwise it’s happy face.

But the happy face has been failing me.  Life hurts right now.  And I have no idea why.  I’ve had a lot of anxiety and the depression has decided to come along.  As a friend said today, they are BFFs.  She sure seems to be right.

But here is some cheery for you

Thank you for reading even when the words are far from fun.  I am blessed by your reading and commenting.

The last few days have been very anxiety ridden for me.  Very.

The last few days have hurt.  I want to run away to escape the pain.

But where to run?  Can anybody tell me where I can go to escape my soul?  Anxiety torments the soul.  It pulls at it.  Tears at it.  Makes it sick.

Where do I go?  I am taking my medication and reaching out.  I am sticking with my family, going through the motions.  Doing the next right thing.  I sent out a call for prayer today.  Knowing God no longer listens to me, but maybe He will others.

Where do I go to escape my soul?

I can’t bear this much longer.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know where to turn.

This is Mental Illness Awareness Week. And as you may know by now, I struggle with some mental illness concerns. Depression and I are good friends.

I realized today that at the end of this month we are coming up on the two year anniversary of my first hospital stay, when it became apparent I needed more help than I could quickly get “on the outside.” I swore then it would be my only hospital stay for such issues, but life has not worked out that way; there have been two more just this year.

I hate those hospital stays. Hate them. Like you will never know. But they keep me safe when the depression gets too intense and the days get too dark.

This last time, I drove myself to the hospital. It had been a rough week. I had actually been to the emergency room earlier in the week but was deemed okay to go home. Two days later, the day was sooooo dark, I knew I would only be safe in the hospital.

It is hard to be there, but I am learning to at least be proud of myself for getting the help I need when I need it.

I not only go to the hospital when I need to, I go weekly to see the doctor for medication checks and therapy.

It doesn’t keep all the darkness away but the current medication regime seems to be enough to help me get through most days without too much trouble.

Because I got help. I asked when I needed it. Even though I was hurting, I valued my life. I valued the life of those around me.

If you are struggling and need to get help, reach out. Ask for help.

1-800-273-TALK

Medication is absolutely necessary for me, for my mental health. And I think we’ve found the combo that works, if, maybe not, the doses.

But that doesn’t mean I like it. I do not like have three pill keepers to keep everything straight. I do not like the shaking that one of them, or maybe two of them, is causing. I am not fond of the hairloss or hair coarseness the meds are causing. I hate the fatigue three of them cause.

Honestly, today they are making me so tired, I just want to cry.

But…

I will keep taking them. I will keep takking them because they keep away the suicidal and anxious thoughts, the thoughts that would take me away from my family. So, I will fight on and hope the day comes that I am not shaking or so tired.

I will hold my babies with joy. I will take joy in my life.