Monthly Archives: December 2012

Christmas Fun

As part of Patrice’s speech therapy, she is actually enrolled in school at age 2, even though the therapist comes to our home.  This odd arrangement has it’s benefits.  We find out about all the activities at our neighboring school.

Our speech therapist has been raving about one for weeks, Cookies with Reindeer.  They have real reindeer, fresh baked cookies, and story time with Mrs. Claus.

I had been saying I wanted to go, but thanks to a dinner fiasco it did not look like we would make it in time…but I think daddy saw how much I needed to get out of the house and out of my head.  So we bundled up and piled in the car.

I’m so glad we did.

How Long?

How long will my mind and heart continue to dread when my girls leave the safety of our home?  How long will I count the hours until they come home?  How long will I feel guilty for fussing at them because other mamas and daddys can’t?

One minute I hope it goes away soon.  It is so hard on my heart.  The next minute I hope it stays around.

I do have my girls here with me.  I have my girls to treasure today and for always.  And that attitude should never leave.

I should always treasure every hug.  Every kiss.  Every moment.


Day 2

Here it is.  Day two of letting my girls go back to school.

Yesterday was horrible.  I begged God to let them wake up just sick enough to stay home.  They both had very mild colds.  I asked them a thousand times if they wanted to stay home with mommy.  No.  No matter how many times I asked.

I cried as I watched them get in the truck to leave.  I sobbed as they drove away. I cried throughout the day as I counted the hours and minutes until they got home.  I ran to the door several times in the afternoon thinking it was them.

I passed my day cuddling Patrice.  It did not go fast enough.

I was told on twitter and facebook that I needed to trust God and have more faith.  I don’t know what to do with that advice.  What good does that do except to insult me.  And insinuate the writer knows the state of my faith and beliefs.  I know it just left me cold and angry.  Maybe people are right, maybe I don’t have enough faith.

My heart just keeps replaying an agony I can not really imagine.  That is too horrible to imagine.  To lose a child.  My heart goes out to those mamas and daddies that buried their babies yesterday, and will in the days to come.  And I beg God to bring my babies home.

I again let them go to school today with bated breath.  I waved until they were out of sight.  And I am counting the hours.

Bring them back to me safe and sound Lord Jesus.

A Heavy Heart

I know I am not alone in this world of hurt and confusion.  Yesterday’s events at an elementary school have touched, scarred many of us.

I have two little girls in school.  They are in first grade and kindergarten.  I was at their school yesterday during the horrific events a few states away.  Without even knowing what was happening, I wanted to grab them up and bring them home.

But I left them at school.

I came home to the news.

So many lives destroyed.

I can’t stop thinking about the Christmas shopping those moms and dads had likely done.  Gifts that will never be opened.

We told the girls very vaguely what had happened yesterday.  And then we prayed for the families.

I wondered how I would ever send my girls to school again.  How to ever let them be away from me again.

Today I still wonder.

I hold them close.

And maybe let them get away with a little more then usual.


I love you girls!

My Christmas Story

Money is tight with me home and not working now.  People have been so good to us.  We have definitely learned the value of community and we feel so loved.

And we are working hard to stretch each dollar.  Especially with Christmas coming.  And three little girls who don’t understand money, or lack thereof.

I have been scouring for good deals.  Facebook and Twitter have been great sources of information.

Right after Thanksgiving I saw on facebook that a friend had made a purchase from a Michigan based work-at-home mom.  It was a great deal.  5 tutus and a dozen hair bows for $10.  I jumped at it and paid her via paypal right away.

Days went by.  I saw her posting on facebook that other orders were shipping.  My name never showed up.  I waited patiently.

Until this week.

I posted a note on her facebook wall.  No answer.

I sent her a facebook note.

I got back a note that she was sorry, but could not get the supplies and would either refund my money or give me credit.

Notice, she did not contact me.  I had to contact her.  Twice.

I was so upset I started crying.  Sobbing.  In sadness and anger.  How dare her not contact me.  How dare her leave me hanging.  How dare her leave such a hole in my Christmas shopping.  The little I get to do.

I posted on facebook a status about my frustration.  And a couple tweets on twitter.  Not expecting anything.  Just needing an outlet.

I really didn’t expect a solution.

And yet within a couple hours, one of my mama friends on twitter had organized people to make three tutus and some hair bows.  People reached out and loved on us.  Women I have never seen face to face.  Loved us.

And that love, is my Christmas Story.


Yes I Love

I have been home full-time now for about 6 weeks.

I love how Patrice now follows me around and looks for me (instead of daddy).

I love being here for her speech therapy.

I love being able to take her to the gross motor skills play group last week.

I am even growing to like picking up the older girls at school.

I love that I could be home with Sue last week when she was sick.

But it’s not all roses and sunshine.

The transition from working full-time has been hard.  I miss having something to talk about when my husband comes home.  He doesn’t exactly want to hear about how I washed diapers today or what is happening on facebook and twitter.

The worrying about finances is excruciating.  Though we are so thankful for our Church and friends who have helped.  I worry every day about what we will do when the holidays are over and people forget our needs.

I hate that I have to find a new psych doctor.  Like cry every time I think about it hate it.  But you better believe I am so thankful we have medical insurance.

Life is a mixed bag right now.  It’s hard.  And things are slipping a little bit for me.  But I am not alone.  I have my wonderful hubby and three girls.  I have friends, I have my church and I have my faith.

Sue’s Big Week

My middle baby had a milestone birthday last week.  She turned 5!

She has been looking forward to this day since her last birthday!  And she lived it up when it finally came.

We started on thanksgiving with family. She spent all day reminding us there was a birthday celebration for her. She got the Unicorn Dreamlite she has been, well, dreaming of.

Then we celebrated again on her actualy birthday with her grandparents and two of her aunts.







And the world goes round

But not always in a good way…

I have been in remission from Multiple Sclerosis for 6+ years.  My main issue with the MS was walking, and a lot of dizziness.

It has been nice to be free of it.

Then my psych put me on lithium.  One of the side effects is dizziness.  It was mild.  Worth living with.

The last two days have seen it explode.

Today it is almost constant and causing lots of visual disturbances.

And I’m scared.

You better believe I am hoping it is the lithium.  That is likely to be an easy fix.  I have a call into my psych in hopes we can easily adjust the medication.

Anything but the MS.  Anything.