The Fixer

My hubby can fix anything.

Really.  I mean it.  And he’s not afraid to try.  He thinks it through, figures it out and does it.

I am in awe of him.  He is so smart.  He can fix anything.

Like today, he fixed an electrical problem for some friends of ours.  I am so proud of him my heart could burst.

Recently he fixed one of our vehicles.  The shop had quoted us a lot to fix it.  We couldn’t afford it, so we brought it home.  And my hubby tackled it.  He ran into problems, so he even fashioned his own tools.  He fixed it for pocket change, in one afternoon.

He is absolutely amazing.

But there is one thing he can’t fix.  And it makes me cry.  He can’t fix me.  I’m afraid no one can.

I’m not depressed in the same way I was while working, but something has been seriously wrong since Christmas.  My anger, rage and frustration have grown exponentially.  All to often they boil over.  It’s not pretty.  It hurts so badly.

It is affecting my family.

Earlier this week things got difficult.  Afterward I was working on staying calm.  Caitlyn said “Are you trying to be calm NOW?”  And worst of all, today, she snapped at Sue.  Hubby asked her why.  She said, “don’t you even listen to mommy?  That’s the way she is.”

That was quite a few hours ago.  I haven’t stopped crying.  I am trying so hard.  We upped a medication a few weeks ago.  I’m adding a new one this weekend.  I am spending more time reading my Bible.  But so far, to no avail.

I’m beginning to think I am unfixable.