The Jumping Blurries Again

My head is a bit of a jumble.  I highly doubt this blog post will make sense, but maybe a miracle will occur as I type???

Last week I started to feel the dark tendrils of depression coming.  They didn’t crash in, just tickled, to remind me it is still there.  In all my stomach issues I had stopped taking my meds.  I was desperate for the stomach pain to stop.  So I thought if I just restarted them, I’d be in the clear.  It hasn’t been so neat and tidy this time.

It’s getting darker, and other triggers are there.

I am feeling too many feelings.  I can’t let go of things that upset me or hurt me.

I think about them over and over.

From today.  From seven years ago.

The worst part, when I react, I know it’s not how I would normally react.  Things that might normally sting, are burrowing and causing anguish.  Things that normally wouldn’t matter at all are suddenly devastating.  If it weren’t for some wonderful friends, things would be really messy right now.

This morning, I was thinking in the shower (dumb, I know).  And got upset about a couple things in Patrice’s birth, you know 3 years ago.  And because that’s not enough, my mind when back to Caitlyn’s birth 7 years ago to get upset.

Logical, huh?

And I’m pretty good at the putting on a good face in the day to day, so it’s hard for people to see the truth.  My psych I saw, and liked when working, even said it was often hard for him to tell what was really happening—and that’s his job.  What it means is I often have to tell people in the day to day that I am struggling.  And I feel stupid for saying it.  Like I am making it up.  Then I get mad at them because I have to tell them.

It sucks. (classy vernacular, huh?)

So off I go to the new psych tomorrow. I’ve seen her once and talked to her on the phone twice.  She seems good.  Her office is responsive.  That’s huge to me.



Survive til you Thrive!

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