Monthly Archives: May 2014

Filled to Overflowing

Posted on May 31, 2014 | 1 comment

My heart is filled to overflowing. So full.

There was so much amazing stuffed into Friday, it is hard to catch my breath. Talk about living life full throttle.

Thursday I sat down and wrote a couple pieces to be published as guest posts on other blogs. One, my Stigma Fighters, submission was published yesterday!!!! I would be so happy if you headed over to Old School/New School Mom to check it out. (FYI, I proofed it yesterday, but of course found a glaring error today–totally my fault–but I want to clarify, I have 3 girls in 4 years, not 4 girls in 4 years).

I also wrote a piece for the Semi Colon Project. I originally learned about it in early April when I heard about a blogging round up. The Semi Colon Project is an International undertaking to encourage those dealing with self harm, suicidal ideations, and other mental health challenges. It’s goal is to remind us that we do not have to choose a period (ending our life), we as the authors of our lives can choose use a semi colon where we as the authors could have chose to stop our lives (a period) or just a pause (a semi colon). We were invited to draw a semi colon on our wrists to signify our support and share our stores. I posted mine here. I proudly showed off my crayola marker semi colon.

And went about my day.

Yet slowly, I was drawn back to that post as my depression deepened and the struggle got harder. I would read the post again, start at my wrist imagining the semi colon there.

It became a lifeline of sorts.

I took a few moments to let the leaders of the Semi Colon Project know. They responded very kindly and asked me to share more of my story to share on the project blog. I finally wrote that Thursday as well.

I woke up to an e-mail telling me how much she loved my writing, asking if she could share it on their blog and asking me to join the project as a weekly contributor to the project blog.

I was speechless. I have been looking for my voice…

As I read, I found myself hyperventilating. Caitlyn, said, “what did you win a trip to Paris or something?” I told her about the e-mail. She said, “you like writing that much??” “Yes sweetie, writing makes the world make sense to me.”

I did ask to wait to make my decision until Monday. I want to make sure I can give the project the attention and dedication it deserves. But I am pretty confident I know my answer…

Then, if that weren’t enough, Sue read her book, yes, THAT book, Fancy Nancy and the Dazzling Book Report to daddy.

But more on that later…

My heart is so full. So much wonderful going on. I can’t express my excitement and joy at the last few days. Just amazing.

1 Comment

Posted in blogging, Caitlyn, depression, guest blogging, Hubby, memories, milestones, Sue

Running Away–My Fight With Mental Illness

Posted on May 30, 2014 | 3 comments

I look at my girls. I look at my hubby. My heart swells with love. My heart burns with desperation.

I must escape. I must get away. I must leave them.

The need to Leave my amazing family that I love beyond words pulsates in my brain when the depression or mania engulfs me.

My guilt at this desire to disappear is epic. I think, what kind of mother and wife knows she needs to disappear? What kind of mother and wife has to be convinced by others that her family will not suffer if she goes home to live with them, has to be convinced to drive the car home after a trip to the grocery store?

This mama. I live with this struggle when the bipolar disorder rages with depression or mania…

See the roots of this war over at Stigma Fighters today as I am share my story so others will know they are not alone.

3 Comments

Posted in depression, guest blogging

Something Stuck In My Craw

Posted on May 28, 2014 | 3 comments

I have never actually understood the phrase, “something stuck in your/my craw” but my dad always said it. When he said it, it meant, something bugging you, an irritation you just can’t shake.

It fits me perfectly right now. I have something stuck in my craw. I sure do…

Sue and I went out for dinner, just the two of us, more than 3 years ago. It apparently made an impression–as of late, us doing that again has been her primary topic of conversation. She has been poking at me and getting put off. Last night, she went to the next level–she lobbied daddy. Just so happens, Sue and I went out to dinner, grocery shopping, and ice cream, just the two of us today. 😉

Who can resist a pancake called funny face??? Sue sure can’t!!!!

And a ride on Sandy at Meijer. Our store just got a new Sandy. The cashiers were telling us that Sandy was extra fun when it was installed…it played the theme song to Bonanza…all day and all night. That would be one nasty earwig (that is what a song is called when it gets stuck in your head right, or is it just those ugly bugs and I have completely screwed up all metaphors). Good luck with that last paragraph.

We had fun. Bonus, kids eat free at IHOP 4 pm to 10 pm, one kid per adult entree. Her dinner cost me $1.29 for chocolate milk and tip. (not an ad, just a useful tidbit)

Our ice cream was at a cute little place right down the street from us. We sat at the tall round tables, you know, that neither of us can really reach to get in and out of…

It’s a cozy little place. One of those where you can hear everyone’s conversation. The family to our left was discussing where different people work. The mom said to the, I’d say, 8 year old boy, “aunt so and so works at a hospital for crazy people.”

Her statement took almost all the joy out of tonights’ outing.

I’ve been in “those” places, so now, thanks to her artfully worded, explanation, if he knew it, her son would assume I am crazy.

Thing is…I’m not.

I’m a strong, loving mama. I subject myself to ridicule and sometimes awful treatment to be whole and strong for my family. And I know many mamas who have faced the places she just told her son were for crazy people. According to her, all of them is crazy.

Thing is…none of them are.

Every last one of those mamas is strong, healthy, loving, working every day to be the best mama they can.

Isn’t that what we are all doing?

3 Comments

Posted in depression, Sue

Life Must Be Good

Posted on May 27, 2014 | 2 comments

I’ve noticed, I have less to blog when life is good. My brain goes blank. I guess that is a ~~good~~ super problem to have.

Thing is, life doesn’t feel like it has been good. I mean, come on, I was just in the hospital.

But I wasn’t in the psych ward. That’s good.

And my roommate was quiet. That’s good.

I advocated for myself. That’s good.

I got results and the medication to fix the problem. That’s good.

I stayed up all night reading a book. And while I was dragging all day yesterday because of it, it was liberating. That’s good.

The asthma attack from Hades ended. That’s good.

I got one-on-one time with Caitlyn this weekend. That’s good.

My contacts quit irritating me, so I can wear them again. That’s good.

You can now buy Gelato in the grocery store. That’s good.

The hospital called me back today and I made my dissatisfaction over the care I received this weekend known. That’s good (for me at least).

Sue is now reading. I am going to have to dye my hair pink and purple. That’s good.

The depression has stayed away. That’s GOOD!

So, I guess, looking amongst the rough, LIFE IS GOOD.

2 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Health Problems BITE

Posted on May 24, 2014 | 2 comments

I survived a horrendous bout of depression. It finally lifted just over a week ago..then I got clobbered with an asthma attack that liked me…ended up in Urgent Care twice. Was given partially correct answers twice. Ultimately landed in the emergency room and in the hospital overnight. I’m hoping the answer I got there will end up being correct. Only time will tell. My confidence is low.

It stunk. I pressed through each with the help of family and friends, and people praying or me. I am tired of pressing on. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of a purse full of medication. I am tired of a closet full of medication.

I swore I would never be this way. I would be healthy. Guess I failed at that. It is just always something. It is ridiculous things.

This last one? I couldn’t swallow. Yeah. I’ve been told it is a combination of medication I was on for the Asthma and irritation in the throat that caused the muscles to tighten. Who in the heck has to go to the hospital because they can’t SWALLOW?

As you can imagine, I was not taken very seriously in the Emergency Room, even though the effort is so pronounced the doctor accused me of eating while I talked to her and the nurse thought I was chewing gum.

But, I just needed Valium. Um, no, a sedative and a tranquilizer did not work. Dear resident and ER doctor, um no.

I think the ear nose and throat guy was right. I started his meds and things are some better. Not 100%. I still have to work at swallowing, food still doesn’t get down easily, but it is better.

Valium. Gee thanks lady. I know bipolar is in the records you are looking at, but that doesn’t mean my health issues are any less real than the guy you just gave 3 meds to within 30 minutes of his arrival for a headache. I know bipolar is on my record, but that doesn’t mean my health problems are any less real than the lady who got 2 meds for her stomach ache within 20 minutes of arriving.

Need I go on?

This world needs to be rid of stigma concerning mental illness. And you, a doctor fresh out of medical school, should be aware of that, helping with that. I should not have to DEMAND the same care others are given. I should not have to DEMAND to have additional testing done. I should not be treated from across the room without even looking at my throat.

I should be treated like a patient, cuz, guess what, I am.

2 Comments

Posted in depression

What 300,000,000 loops get you

Posted on May 22, 2014 | 4 comments

Last weekend I deep cleaned Caitlyn and Sues’s room. I do not normally do this, it is there job…

But sometimes…

I swear I picked up 500 loops, and swept up another 50. What I can’t understand is why they were in the closet. It’s dark in there, you can’t loom.

Well anyway I whined about it in this post.

I had someone ask about this, so for all of you who are not drowning in Rainbow Loom Loops, I give you THIS…

The top picture is the hot craze, the original, the Rainbow Loom. Caitlyn can spend hours on it. She is allowed to use the internet to go to the Rainbow Loom website, a site called Loom Love (that she Does love) and a little bit YouTube to learn new technices. The next two looms are the Monster Loom. We haven’t figured they added value.

Caitlyn has made so many things and LOVES her loom. She and the neighbor girl have a little business selling their creations. Caitlyn made me an Olaf snowman and her friend is making a skunk. They are very serious about their business. I love it. It’s costing me a fortune.

Here are the items she chose to showcase when I told her I needed info and pictures.

And then there is this little beauty…

Yup, Barbie in a Rainbow Loom thong bikini. It cracks me up!!! But we had a looooong conversation on how she will never, ever wear a bikini that shows that much of anything!!

So there you go, a showcase of my Caitlyn’s item of adoration (of course, she can’t actually use it today because she threw a fit last night over brushing her teeth and lost her privileges).

4 Comments

Posted in Caitlyn, hands-on learning, kidlets, random thoughts

Ummmm Chocolate

Posted on May 21, 2014 | Leave a comment

Thanks for stopping Giggles and Grimaces for this Delicious giveaway!!

Ok, I like Chocolate, but my middle Born, LOVES it. When sue was 16 months old she looked at a Chocolate commercial and said, with all the sincerity and love she could muster, “Chocolate.”

Fast forward a few years, Caitlyn is 7, Sue is 6 and Patrice is 3…and we are all fans of the movie Frozen. My favorite scene is when the two sisters, (Anna and Elsa, in case your household hasn’t been taken over by the movie) who haven’t seen or connected with each other in Years, sniff the air, Ask what is that smell and in unison croon, “Chocolate.” I love their connection over something so many of us can relate to.

And you can win some of this delectable treat that gives so much joy!

Welcome to our Guylian Chocolate Truffle Giveaway~

This giveaway is being Hosted by Tammie’s Reviews, Giveaways and More and Do.Food.Better.. Sponsored by Guylian.

You have not enjoyed chocolate until you have experienced the Guylian Chocolate Experience. Savoring that hazelnut filling and having their chocolate melt in your mouth is a true experience that everyone should have.

Chocolate and Hazelnut, I know that is one of my favorites…Head over to Tammie’s Reviews Giveaways and More to enter this great giveaway.

When you win, come back and tell me about your yummy prize!

Chocolate cake of course! Can’t believe that little cutie will be 4 in a couple months. Didn’t I just take this of her third birthday yesterday?

Blabber Mouth

Posted on May 20, 2014 | 7 comments

I am an introvert, who talks a lot around people.

I spill my guts

All the while sure they are totally bored

Couldn’t care less

And just want to run away.

I think that is part of the reason I love social media. Twitter–keeps you to 140 characters, hard to alienate people THAT quickly. Facebook doesn’t limit your number of words, but your fingers get tired of typing and you can see ALL those words on the screen, stop yourself, and delete. Social media is also cool because at least ONE of my friends will find me funny, right? One… Social media is also “safe.” If someone is a jerk, you just hide their stupid from your timeline.

Writing comes naturally to me. I started reading early and writing creatively came soon after. I went on to work on the yearbook in high school and college magazine after that. I was very proud to get my English and Journalism Degree Magna Cum Laude and with Department honors<—yes, I am bragging.

But back to writing coming natural. I can sort my words and thoughts out as I see them on the screen. During depressive and hypomania cycles, that is nearly impossible to do just in my head. My brain is so busy with the thoughts of what is going on, why is it going on, how do I escape, and how do I survive, there is very little room for anything else.

Thankfully depressive and hypomania cycles end. After a month of slogging my way through depression, it lifted this last weekend as if it never existed. It’s causing lots of thoughts to come out all at once. I think I said more to my therapist yesterday, in the first 15 minutes of the appointment, than I have said to any of my doctors since October of 2012.

My thoughts made sense, they came out in the neat and tidy packages I like. I could see the shock on her face as I explained many of my behaviors as I understand and deal with them. I looked and felt like a different person. I was even talking to myself through the whole grocery store–“what is that?” “what did I need?” “do I need to take this route?” “what is that?” “oh, that’s what it is.” All the way through the store, out loud.

I’m hoping and praying it is just recovery from the weeks of not being able to think clearly, and not the other end of the bipolar. Only the coming days will tell. For now? I have a lot to say.

Do you have something you would like to see me talk about on my blog? If so, now is the time, to speak up!

7 Comments

Posted in depression, random thoughts

Respite and Recharge

Posted on May 18, 2014 | 6 comments

Ahhhh. That describes this weekend.

My hubby and kids, who I love to distraction have been visiting family (while hubby redoes their bathroom) all weekend. I think hubby was, understandably, concerned about leaving me home alone, but it has been so good.

My brain finally set me free Friday night and I woke up Saturday with the depression lifted and my thoughts clear for the first time in a month.

I have cleaned like a mad woman, doing every room except mine, including a deep clean of the girls rooms. I am pretty sure Sue has a fear that we will steal her clothes if she puts them down the laundry chute. The chute is maybe 10 steps from their room, but I found her clothes hidden EVERYWHERE. I kid you not. I found an entire hamper full of her clothes hidden.

And the rainbow loom loops. They are evil, pure evil I tell you. They were all over their desks, floor and closet. I wanted to just sweep those suckers up, but I am their supplier most of the time and that was my hard earned money all over the place. [No need for advice, I considered it long and hard and came to the decision to pick them up. I’m okay with that. They would be very easy to drop.] There will be discussions about how we need to pick them up more carefully and consequences laid out, but for today I picked up 17,000 loops. The thing I don’t understand is the quantity I found in their closet. There is no light in there, there is no way to actually use the looms in the closet.

We won’t talk about the petrified food I found in there…

But it has been awesome. I bought myself some yummy soup for my meals and treated myself to delectable ice cream items.

The quiet has been so good for me. So good.

I love my family to pieces but I think I will rent them out one weekend a month and stay home. There has to be some single lady that needs a temporary family, right? And it’s not exactly pimping them out…

6 Comments

Posted in random thoughts

No Skirting This Issue

Posted on May 17, 2014 | 7 comments

We have reached a new point in Patrices’ life. She will no longer wear jeans. Ever. It is skirts or dresses with little pants*, or nothing.

These are the last jeans she wore. It was about two weeks ago. Then she started wearing this.

She wore it every day for 11 days straight. I never let the other two pull that kind of thing. I might be getting soft in my old age or I am just learning not to bother the fight (I know I have written this sentence before. I can’t remember if it was here on the blog or on Facebook, but if it was here y’all are going to cut me some slack because the last month has been a black hole of hell, right?)

This was a favorite skirt for many days, many, many days. She loves yellow.

And it’s pretty cute, right?

I know all kids go through phases, and I’m cool with that. Thing is this is my third time at this rodeo, and I can tell you this phase lasts 3-4 YEARS!!!!!!!

And I have all these cute jeans that I bought right before Caitlyn went into this phase. They’ve been worn maybe once. I am not even kidding. I don’t think Sue wore any of them. She was HARD CORE about skirts and dresses. And that child might be my smallest one by proportion but, DUDE, when she gets something in her head, she is a force of nature. I kind of feel bad for her future hubby. It is not going to go easily for him when she gets something in her head.

Little man, if you happen to be a very unique child and are reading this blog at a very young age, take this advice from your future Mother-in-Law, when she gets and idea, just grab a hold and HANG ON. And when she gets mad at you???? Chocolate. She likes chocolate. And dresses. Lots of dresses.

Wait, where was I? That’s right Patrice has hit the dress or skirt only phase. None of my kids had a lovey, as an infant, but they have all had a favorite piece of clothing and for Patrice it is tutus. She has started hiding them all over her room. I guess she is afraid I will wash them all at once and she’ll have to be nakey?? Or Nakedcy as Caitlyn used to call .

The question that comes up now is, do I just pull out those jeans that are needlessly taking up space in her dresser, or do I keep them in there in hopes this one will buck the trend and get through this phase in weeks instead of years? Hmmm…

And these, folks, are the things I ponder when the depression lifts some and I have the house to myself…

What kinds of phases have your kids hit that strike you as odd?

Did you ride it out or fight the battle?

What do you think about when you have the house to yourself?

*little pants are leggings or some fabric pants that can be worn under a skirt or dress without feeling bunchy at her waist.

7 Comments

Posted in Patrice, random thoughts