When You Can’t Breathe

Four years ago today I was crying, big, gulping, body shaking sobs.  My mind had betrayed me and I had found myself earlier in the day taking my girls to my midwife and asking her to take them home and love them so I could just disappear.

Problem is, I had no damn idea of where to go.  I just needed to escape.  She chose instead, to try to get me some help which is what had landed me in a psychiatric hospital.

I can not even begin to tell you how I wish that were the beginning and end of my journey with mental illness.  I wish I could tell you I am not standing at my computer crying tonight, wishing I could climb out of my skin.  I’ve been on medication after medication, and still am, but today, 4 years later, I still feel the need to climb out of my skin, to find a way to escape.

I still have no idea where I would/could go.  So I cry, I shake, I wish it were easier to breathe.

It honestly feels like someone is sitting on my chest while squeezing my lungs and daring me to take another breath.

I am here, rocking and shaking, hoping something I do will let me breathe again.  Or let me fall asleep long enough to feel better, long enough to function.

There are more thoughts, but honestly, I don’t have the ability to think them right now.  I can’t stay here at the computer.  I have to go looking for something to quiet my mind.  Or drowned it out.

Survive til you Thrive!

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