Even the “Easy” Ones

I had a therapy appointment Thursday.  I am much better than I was a month ago when I last saw her.  I am terrified the darkness will come back, but for now, it is at bay.  The new medication seems to be helping quite a bit.  My moods are very flat and I am very, very tired.  These two things seem to go hand-in-hand with me doing well.  Even the therapist admitted I am on a lot of medication and it’s goal is to keep everything very flat.

Glad to know I am not imagining the affects of it all when it comes to my mind and body.

I fill out a self assessment for the depression and anxiety at the beginning of each of my appointments with her.  I have to gauge if I have felt certain things not at all, some days, most days, all days.  She then uses this to score the depth of my depression and anxiety.  The higher the score, the worse things are likely to be.

Thursday, I struggled to fill it out.  All of my numbers were low for that day, but that did not reflect some of my seesawing I had done or my fears of the darkness coming back.  It took me longer to fill out the assessment for my good days than it does for the rough ones.

Then we started talking.  I didn’t really see how I had much to say to her.  I had almost canceled the appointment, but knew deep down I needed to go.

Talked, surprise surprise, a great deal about the homeschooling, about Sue’s reading and Caitlyn’s math and hubby’s concerns they weren’t keeping up and my thoughts of wanting to educate my children at the pace THEY are ready to go.  I know both girls can do everything they need to and will in their own time, but I do understand hubby’s concern.  It is hard not to second guess ourselves as we journey along homeschooling.  We want to make sure we are doing our very best for our girls.

The therapist had me stop as she asked, “are you really concerned about Sue’s reading or Caitlyn’s math?”  When I really think, “no, I’m not.”  I know they are very smart girls and can and will do it.  Do I know if I am doing everything perfectly?  I am sure I am not, but I can adjust and address their needs and learning styles.  I can address each of them as the individuals they are.

The other day, hubby was concerned about their math, so he decided to make flashcards and work with them.  My first thought was, “he thinks I am failing, he thinks I am not doing a good enough job.”  Then, I thought, “heck no.  I’m not.  If he wants to help, cool.  I know lots of homeschooling moms that would kill for their hubby to get involved,” so I let him do this thing and I went about my evening.  He found out things are in much better shape than he thought 😉 and I got some time to do my own thing.  Win-win.

My therapist saw this as a huge win!  She, correctly, said I normally find a way to see situations like that as failure on my part or judgement on his part, and this time, I just let it go.  Score one for Charity!!!

It’s been a lot of months since there was a score one for the home team.  It felt good.  It felt weird.  It made my heart pound in my ears.  It made me smile.

Therapy is never exactly easy.  Even the good ones are filled with lots of thoughts, second guessing, and heart pounding.  But it is still nice to walk away with positives and hope that good days and good thoughts can come and just maybe, stay.

Survive til you Thrive!

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