I just need to write. I can’t promise it will be articulate or something you want to read, but I need to write.
Yesterday was hard. Oh so hard. It started out okay. I went to church and fell asleep–thanks medication, I came home and ate my lunch as if it was a prisoners last meal in preparation for starting weight watchers tonight.
And the bottom fell out from under me. I needed to run, I needed to disappear like I haven’t in a long time. So I went to the treadmill hoping to work some of it out. I walked and literally cried out to God begging for help. Begging. It didn’t come. So I decided to run away. I grabbed my purse, coat, and keys. But hubby refused to let me take the car in my mental state. So I walked. I walked until my feel literally could not take it any more. I needed to run, to escape, but where to go and how to get there. I didn’t know. All I knew is I needed to be gone.
What to do?
I decided to reach out to a friend who might know how I feel.
She did.
We talked until my meds finally kicked in and I fell asleep.
Today is better but I still feel very, very raw and quite frankly scared. Really, really scared. So what did I do? I put one foot in front of the other today. It wasn’t exactly pretty but the girls and I worked on math, reading, Bible, and elections. The girls checked out microscope slides on their own.
I guess we got a lot done, including getting soup in the crock pot and making zucchini bread, but it did not go in the smooth fashion I had dreamed of. 
I imagined being more hands on and having them more engaged and just walking away from today feeling like a super hero. Instead, I feel like I limped through today. I spent the day nursing a headache and feeling scattered in a million directions.
I feel like I depend on the girls to do too much. Sue did most of the prep for the soup and she and Patrice are doing most of the bread. I am here overseeing it, but is it too much?
Today was not what I dreamed of.
As usual. Is there a day that will go as a planned? Are my dreams realistic? Can I be the mother and homeschooler I dream of? Ever?
Survive til you Thrive!
