It’s Complicated

I know I have written this before, but it is a constantly evolving idea and concept for me.  I am guessing I am not alone.

Depression and Faith.  It’s complicated.

Depression.  I can’t pray it away.  I can’t read my Bible enough to get it to go away.  I can’t go to church enough to will it away.

Trust me.  I’ve tried.

The hardest part isn’t any of those things.

I understand that, for me, depression requires medication, exercise, social support, and many manners of self-care.

That still isn’t the hardest part.

The hardest part is the cloud that falls over my faith.  There is a darkness in an area I would expect to find hope and light.  Suddenly, where prayer normally brings such joy and encouragement it, it now brings frustration and a hollow feeling.  My faith now feels suffocating and false.  I know what I believe, and I still believe it, but there is no comfort left there.

I am left mourning two things–the darkness of the depression and the darkness over my faith.

I continue on, seeking hope and healing through the things that help in the natural world, and the things I know to be true in the heavenly world.

It’s all there.  I embrace it all, but it’s complicated.