Depression…Again

Yup, I am a broken record.  I keep coming back here to talk about depression.  It has so many facets and is impossible to really explain, but I keep trying.  Today, depression is a Ball canning jar and a bottle of salad dressing.

A couple weeks ago I was invited to a salad in a jar Pampered Chef party by a friend.  I jumped at the chance to say yes.

And then this week came.  I realized I would have to talk to people.  Like people I didn’t know and who didn’t know me.  The day before my next disability hearing and homeschool co-op.  The day after the depression kept me from taking my girls to the library.  We need to go to the library; there are books I really need to pick up…but I couldn’t manage to leave my house, not even to get the mail.

No library today.

I am hoping for tomorrow.  I am going to try and do it first thing when I tend to be at my best.  I have to speak to maybe two people at the library.  About a very narrow topic–books.

How am I going to go to a gathering of women later in the day where I am going to be around more than one person?  People who don’t know I am suffering a debilitating round of depression.  What if they expect me to talk?  What if they expect me to smile?  What if they expect me function?

Just writing that has me all tied up in knots.  I want to go, I do.  I am going to try and go.  I want to, but I don’t know if my Ball jar and salad dressing will be leaving the house…

And that is depression today.