As you know, I dealt with months and months of a depressive episode of bipolar. Praise the Lord, I am coming out of it. My mind is quiet–there is no depression or mania. Just quiet. And it has been beautiful.
But there have been some things that surprised me. I have found I am not jumping back into activities that I did before or during the depression quite as easily as I thought I would.
In previous depressions, exercise has been one of my main weapons to fight the darkness, but as this recent one wore on, I lost all interest in the treadmill, any classes at the YMCA, or videos I had been doing at home. I went from exercise, exercise, exercise, to nothing–absolutely nothing. I assumed that when the depression ended, I would get right back into all of it–but I have found it to be a very slow process. I, just a week ago, started walking again, shooting to get my 10,000 steps in daily. I have not yet popped in any videos and the social anxiety is keeping me from going to the Y. My first time on the treadmill brought up all kinds of emotions. I was excited to reclaim this part of my life, but at the same time I felt like I was walking back toward the depression. I am beyond pleased that I did not walk back into the familiar darkness.
Also, during the depression, I knitted hat after hat. It was my fallback activity when I couldn’t face the world. I was making up to a hat every two days. I haven’t touched the one on my loom in weeks. Not one single stitch. I’ll get back to that…someday.
The social anxiety has gotten a little better. I can go out of my house, and grocery shopping isn’t quite as terrifying, and I have made it to church the last two weeks, but at the same time, phone calls are still excessively difficult, going to stores continues to be an ordeal, and talking to people still brings physical pain, but I am working on it, bit by bit, I am working on it.
I am surprised at how much I am still sleeping. It is not as bad as with the depression, but I guess more of the sleeping was from medication side effects than I thought. Oh well, if my mind is quiet, it is worth needing to nap every day.
Little by little, I am easing back into life. It doesn’t look quite like I remember it before the depression, but it is mine, and my familys’ life and we are embracing it. We are blooming where we’re planted.
Survive til you Thrive!
