Monthly Archives: October 2016

Tonight I stood over the sink crying.

Yesterday, I sat in a car praying I would not be sick all over myself.

I’ve lost a pound this week, not the way you are supposed to.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

I’m 98% sure it is due to a recent dose increase on one of my meds.  I vaguely remember being sick like this when I first started lithium 5 years ago.  I refuse to remember how long being this sick last.

Lithium is one of my mainstays.  It has kept me solid and steady like no other, but I kid you not, I am *this* close to calling the doctor tomorrow and throwing in the towel.

I am a grumpy, wimpy mess when I am this sick.  I do not soldier on well.

Well, that’s not entirely true…Caitlyn was looking forward to our run today so I gathered up all my courage and we pounded out 3.1 miles.  When we started running together, just a month ago, I could do a decent job of pulling away from her in mile 2 and 3.  Not today.  I could get a few paces ahead, but she took over the stride right away.  I no longer sound like a dying cow while running the first mile and she no longer gets lost behind me.  We’ve both gotten stronger.  I can’t believe our first 5k together is just 6 days away.  We are both pretty excited.

I made it to the last cross country meet of the season yesterday.

Both girls did very well.  It was amazing to see their progress since we started this in August.

Caitlyn was looking forward to our run today so I gathered up all my courage and we pounded out 3.1 miles.  When we started running together, just a month ago, I could do a decent job of pulling away from her in mile 2 and 3.  Not today.  I could get a few paces ahead, but she took over the stride right away.  I no longer sound like a dying cow while running the first mile and she no longer gets lost behind me.  We’ve both gotten stronger.  I can’t believe our first 5k together is just 6 days away.  We are both pretty excited.

I did my best to get through today, and I think did a decent job, went running, went pumpkin picking as a family, I pressed on.  But the reserves are pretty depleted.  And I am kind of freaking out.  What if a night’s sleep doesn’t get me ready for tomorrow?  How will I wrangle three little girls?  How will I get us to piano lessons?

Every day is so full.

Good, but full.

The girls, particularly Caitlyn, have loved doing cross country this year.  And I have enjoyed getting to know the coach’s wife.  She is so sweet and she is one tough cookie…she has been to just about every practice and meet while wrangling three small children and being overdue with baby number 9.

Well baby #9, their second girl, finally came!!!  And it is time to sign up to bring meals.  I have taken meals to tons of people over the years.  It has always brought me so much joy.  Until Patrice came.  And then, like everything else, the joy got twisted into anxiety and stress.

But I shoved down as much of my anxiety and signed up for a meal as quickly as I could before the anxiety freaked me out again…and then laid awake worrying last night.

What if I don’t cook enough for a family of 11 (yes, I understand the baby won’t actually be eating what I bring), what if I accidently include a food allergen, then they will have to cook for some of the family anyway and it won’t really help, and is butter a dairy allergen, and what if they don’t eat pork?

All of this has put my anxiety at high alert.  And it is still at high alert.  I’m not even signed up to take the meal until October 22.  Thinking about it makes me want to vomit.  Repeatedly.

I have shoved down this fear and anxiety more times than I can count and I still have weeks to go.

Anxiety is a jerk.  A big jerk.