Monthly Archives: May 2017

Come and Drink

Posted on May 28, 2017 | 2 comments

The last couple weeks have been…for the lack of a better term…weird. Running has been on a hiatus. I have not been planning when and where to run, but rather when and where to stretch and which stretch will make me magically all better.

None have.

Don’t get me wrong, I am improving. I did do a little running this weekend and I have much hope that soon I will be back to pounding out the miles.

In this two weeks, I have spent a lot of time begging God to bring the strength back to my leg. But I realized today, I haven’t spent much time, if any, asking Him to be my strength. To be my source of satisfaction.

This weekend really highlighted this for me. I have been fighting against a desperate blanket of depression. Despising the fact that I could not fix it with my running and worried the lowered meds wouldn’t be feasible long-term.

Thankfully the Lord reminded me that much of that depression is coming because the Ibuprofen I have been taking for the leg reduces the effectiveness of my primary bipolar medication.

Yet, even today, among some amazing time with Christian friends I adore, there was an emptiness, a hollowness. I know a great deal of that is my inability to live in the moment and it is my overwhelming fear that I will screw up every single friendship I have and that maybe I don’t even actually have any friends, but that is a separate topic. Tonight, I realized where that emptiness really is coming from. I am not allowing the Lord to be my portion, I am not allowing the Lord to satisfy my desires. Just as I realized that this verse popped up, literally, on my phone.

Revelation 22:17 The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.

I want the water of life. I want to draw close to Jesus. I want to trust Him as I often forget to do. I want to allow Jesus to walk with me, not just keep Him from afar in a boat, there to send me a life preserver when I realize I am drowning. I want to allow Jesus to heal some of those hurts that make interacting with others so scary.

I said to a friend recently, “I don’t think anyone knows how broken I am.” And that’s true. It’s the gift and the curse of high-functioning depression. I do everything I am supposed, I look normal. I laugh and joke. Thing is, hiding how broken you are–includes hiding it from yourself and God. And, somehow, that needs to change. I don’t know how to reveal to God how broken I am and let him step into those broken places, but for once, I am going to start with acknowledging I have kept Him out–and pray it does not get worse before it gets better.

In my mind’s eye, I am envisioning a lot of struggle, but there may be nothing visible. Maybe the Lord will just open His arms and say I have been waiting your whole life for you to acknowledge the broken and that will be it. I don’t know, what I do know is I want my hunger and thirst to point me to the Lord, to point me to him.

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Posted in Faith

No-Go

Posted on May 22, 2017 | Leave a comment

I have not done any running in 5 days. Yup, you read that right. 5 days.

Last Tuesday, I tweaked something in my leg or knee or something. It hurt. But not terribly. Thursday it hurt a little more, and then on the day of my 10k (6.2 miles) race, it hurt more, but I pushed through and made the pace goal I had set for myself, regardless of the pain.

Before the race

6.2 miles later

But after that race, that race full of hills, I hobbled around a fair amount. But refused to admit how much it hurt. But Wednesday I tried to run again and there was no denying it.

And I was so scared. So scared I had injured myself permanently and wouldn’t run again. Running is how I manage the bipolar. It is more effective than any medication they have yet to try. Nothing compares to it, really.

I cried a bit on Wednesday.

Thursday I was more scared. Finally, it came out in a jumble of emotions with my hubby. Tears came as I finally admitted how badly it hurt and how scared I was. He urged me to relax, keep stretching and add some ibuprofen to the mix.

I was a little reassured, but he hasn’t run in a long time and what if he was just saying that to get me to stop crying?

So I talked to my cousin about it. She echoed his sentiments and reassured me it has happened to her several times and was by no means a running stopper.

And I breathed a sigh of relief as she assured me it meant I was a real runner!! And realized this was the perfect time to be sidelined as we were away at a Homeschooling conference all weekend and there was no time to run anyway…but now I home and I am ready for this knee/calf to chill out and let me get back to the business of pounding the pavement.

Today is again busy, with a very special project, but tomorrow, tomorrow I am really hoping to run. It has been too long.

Five and a Half Years

Posted on May 12, 2017 | Leave a comment

I feel like such a newbie when it comes to running. I’m slow. I am still working on doing a half marathon, but in truth, I am not that much of a newbie. I have been running off and on (had a baby in there) for 8 years. Tomorrow I am doing a race I originally wanted to do five and a half years ago…the time has finally arrived.

Tomorrow morning the whole family is joining me at a race about 40 minutes from here that I originally saw advertised at another race I did on December 10, 2011. It is the Angel’s Place Race. It raises funds for homes for adults with developmental disabilities.

I love the area we will be running in, minus the comments about hills, and somehow, I feel like I am keeping a promise to myself. I ran 6.2 miles (10k) earlier this week so I know I can do the distance, but as always, I am doubting myself. What if this twinge in my knee means it is giving out on me? What if I am dead last? What if I embarrass myself and my family on my birthday, no less?

On a gentle run Thursday night as my final preparations for my 10k

Only one way to know, to get out there and run. One foot in front of the other.

Bumpier Than I Hoped

Posted on May 4, 2017 | Leave a comment

Treating any illness is a balancing act of sorts. Always adjusting as you go. How much do you put up with medication side effects? How much do you rest? Where is the trade off equilibrium? Always shifting, always adjusting.

I hate it. And I am not very good at it. Six years into Bipolar and I still doubt my every move…except my running. I don’t doubt that. That, honestly, I hold sacred and am currently shaping the rest of my treatment around it.

A few years ago I was a few months from running a half-marathon. Suddenly I went from running 10 miles at a time to 2-3 sidewalk slabs at a time. I tried compression socks. I tried changing my route. I tried adding music to my runs. Anything I could think of and it just kept getting worse until I gave up running altogether.

Turns out, it was a medication side effect I was on. It was causing extreme muscle weakness. By the time I realized the cause, it was too late. I could no longer run.

That med and I parted ways due to other issues.

I ultimately started running again and did alright until an injury sidelined me. Last August, finally found me well enough and confident enough to give running another go…and here I am, talking about it non-stop.

Then, a couple weeks ago, I started to feel that heaviness in the legs again. This time I had a clue what was happening…I looked up my newest medication and there is was listed under side effects…muscle weakness in the legs. I dropped that darn med like a hot potato (with medical approval) and the heaviness is gone.

Next, I got to thinking about the shortness of breath that has plagued me. I have had a full heart work up. That is not the problem. I recently had pulmonary tests done. All good there. I have been able to get some relief with a great essential oil I use, but it is still nagging me.

Um, wait, I am still on one of my psych meds that I am actually allergic too and the reaction is trouble breathing and swallowing. We have been able to keep those to a minimum with a lower dose, but what if that is part of the problem, so, again, with medical approval, I went off that medication. The breathing is better. Not perfect, I am still a little frustrated there, but I have hope.

Unfortunately, being without these meds has its drawbacks. Getting off of them has been a bumpier process than I had hoped. My mental reactions have changed. I am seeing some red flags I know I have to keep an eye on.

And I am bummed. I had envisioned coming off the meds without a hitch. In my minds-eye, I didn’t need the doctor’s cautions about why we use those meds and what might happen without them. So what am I doing? Contrary to logic, I am getting lazier with the meds I am still on. Because that will help, right? Last night I decided I didn’t need my meds, I would be fine without them…so I got 3 1/2 hours of sleep, which really helps things. On the upside, last night reminded me how important my medication regimen is…I took my morning meds exactly as I should and trust me, I will take all of tonight’s dose.

I am still hopeful that with lots of self-care and hard work, I can stay on the new medication plan, but at the same time, I am scared. What if I can’t do it? What if I am stuck with meds that will influence me physically? What if I am not strong enough to do it all?

Sugar Butts

Posted on May 2, 2017 | 1 comment

I am the potty mouth in this house. My hubby never, ever swears…well, okay, he did when the camper flipped over and he was trying to control the car…but that doesn’t count, does it?

So, when someone gets in trouble for saying a “bad” word in this house, mommy is to blame. Sigh.

Today, Caitlyn and Sue were working on putting together some projects they received for Christmas. Caitlyn started her catapult yesterday and teased Frazier today by launching pieces of burnt bacon.

Sue started her robot today and was having a hard time finding one of the pieces–“damn!”

“Mommy, Sue said damn.”

Sigh…time to head to their room for a chat.

“Sue, you can’t say damn.” “But I can’t find the piece I need.” ”

“But I can’t find the piece I need.” ”

“I know, but you can’t say that word even though mommy does. Say, um, ‘sugar butts’ like daddy does. Or dude. That’s the one I like. You can say it with emphasis. DUDE!!!”

Insert eye roll and a big, heavy sigh.

A few minutes later she is still searching for the piece, looks over at Caitlyn and mutters, “sugar butts!!”

My work here is done.

I’ve had a couple “sugar butts” kind of days lately. It has been raining. I have not been running. I am coming off two medications due to side effects. I am recommitting myself to eat low FODMAP to control some health issues that are obnoxious and kind of hard to control. And there is still homeschooling and its duties, May has a couple super social days in it, and another birthday for me.

Sigh and a big helping of “sugar butts.”

What is your safe word to say around kids or that your kids are allowed to say? If you don’t have one, go ahead and have ours. We’ll share!

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Caitlyn, FODMAP, Homeschool, Sue