Monthly Archives: October 2017

Seven Years and I’m Still Here

Posted on October 26, 2017 | Leave a comment

I love the change of seasons here. It is probably my favorite thing about Michigan. It is nice to always have a different feel to look forward to…and with it a change in scenery. And fall does scenery the best!!

And then, 7 years ago, fall got complicated.

Patrice was born. Good. Postpartum depression, anxiety, and psychosis showed up. Bad, very, very bad.`

Suddenly, fall became a hard time, a very hard time. Seven years ago this week I ended up in the hospital for the first time when the mania (cue bipolar disorder showing up) tried to destroy me.

And ever since, fall has been hard. I find myself battling a major depressive episode each fall. It is a time of just working to survive. So my time I have always loved, becomes instead a season of hunkering down and praying for my life.

But this year. This year. It has been hard. I have been working my self care and medication tools hard and using the insane level of busyness of family life to my advantage–distractions galore!!

And it has worked!! I was able to enjoy my wedding anniversary this week. I am laughing real laughs. I am still nervous as October 28th comes around, but I am hopeful for the first time in 7 years that I just might be okay.

Hope is a beautiful thing!

Roza bil Halib

Posted on October 10, 2017 | Leave a comment

Roza bil halib. Rice in milk. Simple, yet lovely. It is an Arabic dish a dear friend of mine shared with me. The closest dish to compare it to in the American diet is rice pudding. Roza bil halib is not quite as sweet and has a more milky consistency; it is marvelous.

Roza bil halib, which I am probably doing a terrible injustice to in my spelling attempt, is sweet and simple. It is tasty. It is comfort.

There are a lot of days I find myself looking for comfort. I find it in my routine, in my running, in the rhythm of loom knitting, in my prayers. And now in Roza bil halib.

I seek comfort out very intentionally. Sometimes I become frantic in my search.

It didn’t use to be that way. I used to be much more able to go with the flow. Take the ups and downs of life.

Then Patrice was born. And with her, the anxiety, the depression, the mania, the postpartum psychosis, the bipolar disorder.

All of the sudden, life became very much about finding comfort, finding safe. I also found others that understood me, who had a similar journey, and above all I found help. It wasn’t a quick journey, nor was it easy, but I made it one step at a time. There are days I am still fighting to make it, but I use my knowledge, skill, and comfort to get to another day.

And you can too.

If you find yourself fighting suicidal, or even “just” scary thoughts, reach out. The Suicide Prevention Hotline is one place you can find help. 1-800-273-8255.

If you recently had, or adopted, a baby you can find help at Postpartum Support International . Reach out, no matter how hard or pointless it seems. There is help, there is hope.

Want to Hear Something Funny?

Posted on October 5, 2017 | 6 comments

This drawing is now CLOSED

I was provided a copy of HAHA COLOR–ME! JOKE BOOK for my use and one to give away, but my opinions are my own.

“Want to hear something funny, mommy?” is not my favorite question. Neither is “Mommy, want to hear my dream from last night?” Yeah, no. No, I don’t. But I try desperately to smile at both questions and prepare myself for the longest story of my life. Have you ever noticed how long a joke, story, or a dream lasts when told by someone under the age of 10?? And how, with jokes, they tell the same one for months??

Well this week, Patrice, got some new material when I brought out a copy of the HAHA COLOR–ME JOKE BOOK!

I told her to get some crayons, pick a page, and start laughing!!

And she listened!!

She found this page…

Then this one…

And finally the joke she can’t quite telling…

Get it? Because 7 8 9…think about it…okay, now laugh…today and tomorrow. This one really sticks with you. Okay, so you’ve heard it before, but did you get to color the joke before? Well neither did Patrice, but now we all can.

This cute little joke coloring book can be yours by purchasing at this link. And another cool feature, when you buy a copy, a second copy is sent to a child who could use a smile and a laugh.

I love that about this book. I really do. But before you quit reading, can I tell you two other things I found in this book?

First, there is my favorite joke.

Second, I loved these pages at the end of the book…

Space for kids, and even adults, to try their hand at writing their own jokes. What’s not to like?

I am sure, after that Elsa joke, that you are just dying to get this into the hands of a couple little friends, so here is the link to buy one for someone you know while having one sent to a child in need of a smile and a laugh.

Want to have even more fun? You can join a HAHA Challenge. Starting October 12 you will be sent a fun challenge every day for 5 days leading up to the coloring book launch on October 17. Sign up here.

Now, if you read my little disclaimer at the top, you know I was not paid or this review, but I was given a copy of the coloring book for our family to keep and one to give away to a reader…so now it is your turn.

You can earn two entries. First entry–comment on another one of my blog posts and write in a comment here what post you commented on. Second entry–write either your favorite kid joke or the joke a kid(s) in your life love to tell over and over and over!

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Posted in Uncategorized

There’s No End

Posted on October 1, 2017 | 2 comments

Today it is fall. That may not be true later this week when temperatures go up again, but for today…it is fall.

And life is busy. Always on the go. The kids have a ton of activities. Hubby and I have appointments. I never dreamed homeschooling would have me out of my house so much 😉

I had taken a break from running after completing my half marathon on September 17. At first, to rest my body, then due to the outrageous heat, but this week it was time to get it back in gear. So there is my running. And new plans to again run a half marathon next fall. A year from now. Not in September again. I do not want to risk running 13.1 miles in those temperatures again. And I really need to lose 20 lbs before the next go at that distance. More would be better, but the goal is 20, so I am researching what might work for the whole family. I am at a loss, so if you have any ideas…

There is also the more immediate. Sue got a named role in A Christmas Carol. Rehearsals begin Tuesday…while cross country is still underway. I am not sure how that is going to shake out. I am really hoping to know more after that first rehearsal Tuesday.

Then there is our day to day schooling, homeschool co-op, church, and spending time with dear friends.

It is all good. And I love it, though it may overwhelm me at times.

And yet, somewhere in the last few days I began to feel this tug, this tapping at the back of my mind. Reminding me of something…it whispered at me. But I could not bring the thought to light.

Until yesterday.

Today is the beginning of October.

Seven years ago that was a tough spot for me. I loved my girls, yet I was falling apart. Postpartum Depression, anxiety, and ultimately psychosis tried to destroy me.

I loved my family, yet I was falling apart. Postpartum Depression, anxiety, and ultimately psychosis, tried to destroy me. I was fighting a battle against my mind of intrusive thoughts, of how my girls would be better off without me, how I should just disappear so they could get onto life without me, I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t stop moving. It was dark and muddled in my mind.

I survived, obviously, and am proud to be here every day to love those in my life, to work to be stronger and healthier, but there is a stain that no one tells you about. Those intense days of fighting against depression, anxiety, and psychosis leave a stain, a darkness on that time in your life that you carry. All the time.

Fall is no longer the same for me. The leaves still change colors and are breathtaking. It still becomes jeans and sweater weather again. It is finally cool enough to cook again. But the stain of what happened is still there. And it still hurts.

But no matter how much it still hurts, I have something the darkness does not have…me. I survived to talk about it 7 years later. I am still here to run half marathons. I am still here to watch my girls learn and grow. I am still here to fuss at my husband and to always lose control of the mess in my house.

I am still here.

If you, or someone you know is struggling after having or adopting a baby, whether it be mom or dad, be assured there is help, there is hope. Please contact the amazing people at Postpartum Support International for helping finding local doctors and support as well as on-line help and support. 1 in 7 women suffer from postpartum mood disorders. You and those you know or love are not alone. Reach out. Get help, get hope, get well.

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Posted in Postpartum Depression