Monthly Archives: January 2023

Doing All The Things I Love

Our family does some volunteering that I love. It involves helping people, meeting amazing people, living and loving with people very intentionally and hopefully well.

It has been the joy of my life to have this opportunity over the last several years. Truly. It can be an emotional work being truly in people’s lives, but I recommend it 200%.

The last couple of weeks has been incredibly rewarding as we have met new families and are getting to know them as they build their lives. But when I tell you it is exactly where I want to be, I am not kidding or exaggerating.

It has even given me many, many opportunities to use the Arabic I have been studying for the last 5 years. And it has been amazing. Challenging and exhausting. Exposed my weaknesses while encouraging me in how much I have actually learned.

My kids are working hard and succeeding in their studies. They are really great and fun kids. They continue to me witty, heartwarming, thoughtful, and smart…seriously, I can’t complain.

The only problem is me.

I hate myself.

I cried on my run today while considering my day.

Every interaction I have is tainted by how much I talk. I talk too much. It’s not because I want to monopolize the conversation. I truly can’t help it.

And it ruins me after every social interaction. I often say I am afraid to be around people. That is not incorrect but to put a finer point on it, I hate who I am around people. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. Actually, my whole body hurts.

I also hate the feeling that people really don’t want me around. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop–walking on eggshells because I am sure people are angry with me and going to yell at me. I don’t intend to be needy or desperate but I am scared–all.the.time.

Scared of friends. Scared of family. Scared of acquaintances. Scared the things I love will be taken away from me as punishment. It never ends.

My life is amazing. I only wish…

I am Tired

For the last 6 years our country has been turned on its ear. I thought it would be over when TFG lost the 2020 election and yet…

Two years ago was the attack on our Capitol so TFG could try to stay as president. I remember standing at this very computer with my mouth agape and tears running down my face. My husband came home and we stood there shocked. I sat for two days in a stupor telling my best friend over and over, “what has happened to my country?”

There was hope in 2020 and some things have gotten better but still every day I am afraid of what has happened to my country.

And I am tired of that question.

Shut It Down

So I had planned to shut down this blog but I can’t figure out how to print it all and I don’t want to lose everything which brings me to–I guess I better get writing to justify its existence.

I’ll start by writing about something that brings me great joy–reading. Not mine, but my girls’.

I love to read. My mother loves to read. My grandmother loved to read. I always assumed my daughters would love to read…alas, it did not seem that was going to be the case. Once, my mother even yelled across a family, “didn’t you think you would raise at least ONE reader?” I felt this criticism deeply and was so embarrassed I had not…, particularly as a homeschooler. But alas, Caitlyn only loved to read to learn things, i.e. Pinterest or other websites. Sue loved Graphic Novels and Patrice, well, she saw reading as an extension of school and was not a big fan. I, as a book snob, did not see graphic novels, or even audiobooks, as real reading thus I was left with no readers.

Then, last summer, something changed, Caitlyn decided to volunteer at the local library. She goes every Thursday afternoon for two hours.

Caitlyn helping at the library fair last summer

I hoped, but thought it was ridiculous to consider, that she would fall in love with reading somehow while she was at the library…AND SHE DID! She discovered there were a lot more books out there than what mommy had chosen over the years.

Now, in my defense, she has chosen some of the genre I used to buy for her but they are a little more grown-up than I chose. But now she reads lots of things. Authors and titles I never would have thoughts. She and her friends give books as gifts and hang out at bookstores! I am still thrilled and in awe. I am sure I make her crazy because I keep commenting on it. I try not to but…I try.

Another thing happened that has helped my perspective–a year or so ago, maybe longer, I discovered audiobooks. I just don’t have all the time to read that I would like but with an audiobook I can run and “read”–it is wonderful. And this past summer, I discovered graphic novels! I thought they were just that, novels–basically comic books, but turns out you can find biographies, history, all sorts of things–I have two on hold at the library right now–which makes me a lot more accepting of what Sue, and sometimes Patrice, like to read.

I guess mom’s can use an education and an attitude adjustment!

Don’t mind me, I’m just over here giddy as I see my kids reading all different genres and formats!