Monthly Archives: January 2024

Hasn’t Much Changed

I remember it like it was yesterday, Caitlyn was 8 weeks old and I went to Target by myself. It might have been my first outing without her. I wasn’t even back to work.

But there I was, hiding in Target having a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe and I was sobbing. Like bent over sobbing. Because she was going to grow up and leave me.

That feeling actually goes back to the moment she was born.

After 25 hours of labor, they put this baby on my chest and I realized from that moment I would have to share her. I had her all to myself for 9 months but even in this moment, the midwife had touched my baby first and was going to take her away to do all the medical checks.

I was going to have to share her for the rest of her life.

Not wanting to come across as psycho, I shoved that feeling as far down as possible and began our life together. I must have done alright because my mother-in-law complimented me on how gracious I was in sharing her. I brushed it off saying I knew I got to take her home no matter what but in all honesty, I was internally gritting my teeth every time I had to share her.

But share her I have. Yes, we homeschool, but she has a full social life, volunteers, works, all the things. Now we are on the cusp of really having to share her. She has been accepted to 20 colleges/universities so far. And she is going to go to one of them. I will be so excited to see her grow and do things and pray that she knows we are always a safe place to land.

But for today, I stand at my computer trying to write something for her senior yearbook.

Words escape me. But tears don’t. I am back hiding in that Target struggling to breathe and crying.