Monthly Archives: January 2025

Keeping My Mouth Shut

I travel in some pretty conservative Christian circles. My faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior is beyond precious to me. The baggage of the organized part of that faith is not quite so lifegiving at times.

I spend a lot of time biting my tongue about social issues, politics, and even doctrinal items. I know, it is hard to imagine me keeping my mouth shut but rest assured, for everything I say I want to say 10+ other things.

And I hate it.

I am tired of being the one who has to bite my tongue when others post things in a group text in order to keep the peace. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and it feels like I am selling my own self out. I feel like I am lying to myself when others don’t have to.

So here goes–I am not rejoicing at some of the things my state government did not get done in the last two years. Some of the things, yes, I think we are better off they did not pass, others, I would have liked or been okay with.

Secondly, I am deeply saddened and scared of America being under the leadership of TFG and his political lackeys.

Thirdly, I am angered at how many Christians not only voted for TFG but think he is THE CHOSEN ONE. I refuse to celebrate someone who has blasphemed the Holy Spirit. These voters are wrong but also being misled by those who should know better.

Fourthly, I don’t understand how anyone can have lived under that guy’s “leadership” and want to do so again.

Fifthly, I feel like I do not fit in the Christian world I have known my whole life. I don’t know how to trust those claiming the name of Christ who would support him. I feel very uncomfortable with my Christian friends even as I have had to develop an uneasy truce that allows me to see them as Christians while knowing they are oh so wrong about this “leader.”

Sixthly, over the years I have slowly come to believe there may be a valid belief that includes theistic evolution.

Seventhly, I think being a single-issue voter is short-sighted and demonstrates immature thinking processes.

I think that is all of it. I think that is everything I feel like I can’t say right now when the rest of my “community” is spouting off about things. I think. But I will probably be back with more…

What a Household

I have been writing on this blog off and on since the girls were so little, and now they are quickly moving on to adulthood. Caitlyn is in her second semester at a local university. Sue is already a licensed cosmetologist at barely 17 years old, and Patrice is slugging through 9th/10th grade classwork.

So many great things going on but it is not all easy. The bipolar thought it would be fun to give me the hardest year in a decade. TFG was re-elected president and will continue his destruction of our country. Wars continue to rage.

After the election, I was so angry and disillusioned by the church and God for allowing the results that I determined I would no longer be following Christ. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to attend church in order not to split my family and how to be around people who claim to be Christians but could choose such a horrid man who has blasphemed God as their leader.

I still don’t know how Christians could ever vote for him but I am choosing to accept that they can be so very wrong and still be Christians. I don’t get it. I hate it. I am so angry and gutted and scared. But being a follower of Christ is like breathing to me. I literally don’t know how to live without my faith so I hang on when I don’t know how. I hang on when I don’t want to. I hang on amidst all the anger and failings of myself and others.

I leave the house as little as possible as the anxiety and fear have gotten so bad with the bipolar, it is tough to go places. I am well-medicated and it has helped but it is still so hard. It is also hard having the girls out and doing so much. I am only really truly happy when they are all home and safe.

It is hard to live in this space of fear and anger but here I am, day in and day out, for now.