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What To Do With Emotion

As I mentioned before, the therapist correctly identified that I get overwhelmed by my emotions and attempt to turn them off.  The Good, the bad, the ugly.

A large part of that comes from rejecting emotions that aren’t founded in reason or have a good explanation.

This week, twice, I have experienced irrational anger.  Over the top and without true cause.  I don’t know what to do with it, so I tell myself it is wrong, illogical or doesn’t make sense and force myself to push it away.

Personally, it has always seemed logical to me.  The doctor thinks it is where a lot of my depression comes from.  He says, the anger is real and it has to go somewhere, and the way I am dealing with it is to pull it internal.  And for my effort, I get depression and anxiety.

Okay, y’all…do you agree with the doctor’s assessment in general?  What do you do with anger that is not based in an actual situation or in a situation that can be changed or improved?  I really could use some input here.  I *think* he’s right, but I don’t know what to do from here.


I need to figure this out for me, my girls and my hubby.

Linking up for Thought Provoking Thursday.


Weight Loss Wednesday–Dinner

First, for the good news…I lost another pound this week for a total of 13 lbs.  I am so close to 10% lost (go ahead do the math on about how much I’ve been carrying on my 4 ft. 9 inch frame).  My wedding ring now spins on my finger.  I’m going to have to do something to keep it on while I continue to lose.  My gift to me will be sizing my ring–down!

Dinner is definitely my failure in each day.  My hubby cooks and is wonderful cook.  But he, and the girls, are not doing weight watchers.  So my plan each day is to track my breakfast and lunch and try to eat a sensible dinner.  Right now, it is working okay, but I am sure as I get closer to my goal, I will have to sort out my dinners.

One way I try to influence it more, is by doing meals in the crockpot.  It helps out hubby and gives me a little more control.  This last week I cooked a whole chicken in the crockpot.  It was super easy.

1 whole chicken, frozen or thawed.


Put whole chicken in crockpot, season as desired.  Cook 5-8 hours.  Remove.  It will come apart very easily.

We ate it first as baked chicken, the second night we made chicken soup.

I also recently made Chicken Fajita Stirfry and Crockpot Lasagna.

I could use more ideas.  What are your go tos for cooking?  I am definitely going to be checking out some of Alicia’s ideas.

Tired, Angry and Thankful 350-359

I got the best night sleep last night I’ve had in weeks.  Yet, I am so tired I was falling asleep at work.  I wanted to exercise so desperately tonight, but there was too much to be done.  My emotions got the best of me and I became irrationally irate and angry.  I am so thankful for the friends who talked me down.

350 (80). Watching little girls write their names

351 (81).  Little girl tennis shoes

352 (82).  Music, both by professionals and by my hubby and kids practicing the piano

353 (83).  Patrice curled up froggy style on daddy’s chest

354 (84).  Feeling emotion, both good and bad

355 (85).  Calming stretches

356 (86).  Watching daddy play with little girls

357 (87).  Guest posting at new blog homes

358 (88).  Doctors who return phone calls

359 (89).  Clean bedrooms


I’m Scared of Feeling So Good–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

In case I haven’t mentioned it, the last 18 months has been a long journey with depression.  Long.  Yanno, in case I forgot to mention it.

Lately, has been better.  With some good breakthroughs that are going to benefit me and my family now and in the future.

I realized, in addition to the fact that I am worth the fight, but also, that I am not damaging my girls with this struggle, they are actually going to benefit as I get better.  They will have a stronger, happier mommy.  I won’t be perfect, darn, but I will give them less of my issues, less of my hang-ups.

I’ve also realized the postpartum depression is not an isolated incidence.  It is not my first experience with depression.  And very likely will not be my last.  Both the doctor and a friend think that is a good thing to realize.  I’m not sure how it fits into my continued healing and long-term health, but for now, it is what it is.

I am thrilled to have had some good revelations that are bringing me more freedom and health.

But I am scared.  What if this is a high and the bottom drops out again?  Will these revelations, along with my family and faith, sustain me?  Or will I see only the darkness and anxiety again?  Is this just a temporary lull?  Will life again hurt like it did last month?  Will the progress stay?  Or disappear like the mist?

Linking up for Secret Mommyhood Confessions.

Weight Loss Wednesday

I continue to lose, bit by bit; I have now lost 12 lbs, which is 1/3 the way to my final personal goal. I am really hoping to lose 2 lbs this week to hit another weight watchers goal.

I have got to get better at tracking. I do great with breakfast and lunch. Monday through Friday I eat virtually the same thing. But tracking dinner…seems to be a lost cause. I am going to sign up for my free trial of e-tools and see if that helps. My current meetings for weight watchers ends March 24 so am trying to decide wether to reup for meetings or go to on-line. On-line is cheaper but I’m not sure it will work for me.

This week we are looking at lunch for weight loss wednesday. I feel like I eat non-stop from the time I get to work until lunch. I eat my breakfast sandwich when I get to work, and then fruit and veggies til lunch. Typically lunch is a frozen meal. I like them. I actually get a lot more taste variety eating those then I would in my “normal” life, plus they are pre-made so no work on my part!

What is your go-to food for lunches? What works for you?

Congratulations to Alicia for her great weight loss! I love her goal and am going to adopt it as well, after a goal of 2 lbs this week, from there on out I am going to work for 1.5 a week.

Memory Captured–First Pony Ride and Thanks 331-349

I saw a call for memories captured in a tweet today from @galitbreen and I knew exactly what picture I had to link up.


The pony is Sandy, the baby is Patrice and yes, that says a ride is 1 cent.  It has been for decades.

My cousin and I grew up riding Sandy at a local grocery store chain, Meijer.  A couple years ago I got to introduce my girls and this weekend, my Patrice.

That little girl joins her sisters in being a marvelous joy and light in our lives.

We thank the Lord for them daily.

331 (61).  For childhood memories to share with my girls

332 (62).  Having my cousin just a text message away

333 (63).  A clean house

334 (64).  All the laundry done for the moment

335 (65).  Joy of reading by lamplight from a lamp my daddy gave me

336 (66).  Very hands on hubby

337 (67).  Caitlyn loving to go outside to play

338 (68).  Patrice learning to climb; daddy being smart enough to dismantle the tool she uses to climb where she shouldn’t be

339 (69).  Having my mom to call with cooking questions

340 (70).  Reuniting with college friends

341 (71).  24 hour grocery stores when needed

342 (72).  Caitlyn coming through dental surgery quickly

343 (73).  A knowledgable, caring dentist for our girls

344 (74).  Sue already feeling better after having a fever so high early this morning that she was hallucinating

345 (75).  Hubby practical enough to know how to get the fever down

346 (76).  Kleenex on sale just as we ran out

347 (77).  Warm reception for my blog carnival idea

Be looking for it March 15th, just in time to celebrate my mom’s birthday.  Need a button for your blog?  Check with Lauren, @unxpctdblessing on twitter or at My Postpartum Voice.

348 (78).  Patrice adding the signs milk and banana to her vocabulary

349 (79).  Being able to gather and calm myself today when Sue was sick

I am linking up for the first time for Memories Captured and once again with Multitude Monday.


Playing With My Kids? Secret Mommyhood Confessions

linking up with Kimberly for Secret Mommyhood Confessions

I love having my girls. 

Really, I do. 

I do not enjoy playing with my kids.  The thought of playing Candyland or dolls with them, at least at this age, fills me with dread.

So what is a mom to do?  Well, there is letting your kids play computer games or watch too much TV, but that brings guilt after awhile.

Other days I do craft projects with them.  It’s a win-win.  I don’t have to play with them but we get to do things together and I get to feel like a good mom. 

See, win-win.

This weekend Caitlyn and I worked on her Valentine’s for school.







I Am Worth It

It’s important to fight for others.  To work to make yourself better for others.  It is important to love others enough to do the right thing by them even when you are unable to do it for yourself.

I have fought for my family, particularly my girls, for the last 18 months.  I would remind myself over and over they were worth fighting for.  I said it aloud.  Every time I had to face the hard, I would remind myself that I would go anything for my girls.

“They are worth whatever it takes.”

So many people have told me, “you are worth it too.  You are worth fighting for.”  I wanted to believe them, but I would look at them and say, “right now I am fighting for my girls.”

Over the last month and a half of seeing the new doctor, I am learning a lot. I am seeing progress even in the dark times.  Even when this last downturn came, I could point at the things I was learning about me and the victory I was seeing and I could tell myself, see, the lies are just that, because you know you are making progress.

Yesterday I guest posted over at Kristen’s about postpartum depression and anxiety.  Today I decided to respond to any comments that came in.  As I was doing so, I saw myself typing, “I know the day is coming when I will be able to fight for me, but for now, I fight for them.”  And as I typed, I realized that day had come.  Today was the day I realized I am worth fighting for.

For the last many months, I have known that if it weren’t for my family I would have succumbed to the darkness.  Today I realized that even if my family were not here, I am worth fighting for.  I am worth telling the depression I will not believe it’s lies.  I will not live in the darkness forever.

I posted about it on facebook today.  I was too excited to hold the revelation in until I could blog.  A friend reminded me that yes, I have always been enough.  I was enough for Jesus to come die on the cross for, so yes, I am surely enough reason to survive depression.  She’s right.  But I had another epiphany.

I’ve always known Christ came to earth to seek and save the lost.  And I am among the saved, but in truth, I have never believed He came for me.  I have always believed He came for others and because He did I can benefit;  but if it were just me on this earth, I have always believed He would not have come.

And when you don’t believe you are enough for the core of your entire belief system, it is hard to believe much else.

I will admit the switch hasn’t completely flipped on that last part. I’ll get there, but it is going to take some time.  Please no sermons in the meantime.  Please know I don’t doubt my salvation, I doubt that He came for MY salvation.

But for today, I know I am enough to fight the depression.  I am enough.


Linking up for Thought Provoking Thursday.


Going Through the Meals for WLWED

Alicia is taking us through the meals to see how they have changed and how they can change as we work on losing the pounds.

I’ve always been a breakfast eater.  My dad was big on breakfast and I learned.  I am also a bit of a morning person, so my belly is okay with eating early.  It is a bit of a challenge that with taking synthroid I have to wait 30 minutes after I take my medication to eat in the morning.  Some days, like today, I fail and eat too soon.

When I first started weight watchers I was overdoing my morning eating.  I started the day with an instant breakfast shake, then have yogurt and eat my way til breakfast.  This was leaving me only 7 points for dinner.  Not enough to eat dinner with the family.

Over the last few weeks I have seen it change.  I eat a piece of fruit after my morning workout, and then eat a turkey sandwhich when I get to work.  I’m still eating a lot in the morning, but more of it is fruit and veggies.

I am not a great tracker, but I know I basically eat the same every morning and lunch and so far the scale is cooperating.  I lost 1.2lbs over the last two weeks.  I am at 11.6 total lost.  NEXT week I really hope to hit 12 lbs, that will bring me to 1/3 of my goal.  Sigh, I have a lot to lose…