Category Archives: depression

The Decade

Posted on August 25, 2020 | Leave a comment

My youngest, Patrice, is 10. A whole decade. One I never dreamed I would survive in the early days, months, years…

Her birth completed our family and just about killed me. Baby blues came. My midwife talked me through those days. And then I got a week of peace. I thought I was in the clear…then I couldn’t sleep. My brain refused to shut off no matter what I did. I couldn’t stop moving. I had to be busy or I was just sure I would fall apart. I had three girls 4 and under–and we never stopped going to the park, the library, anything I could find to do while wearing a tiny baby. I even cleaned my house!!

The darkness was overwhelming me. I was sure my family would be better off without me. I would e-mail my midwife who would convince me I should go back home. I didn’t want to leave my family–I just didn’t see how I would ever survive.

Over the years I have done hospital stays; I take medicine that makes me sick every single day. I run for exercise and to keep my sanity. I have people around me that love me, encourage me, challenge me, help me focus on why I continue to fight and live.

My postpartum depression and anxiety were not nice enough to resolve and leave…it made itself at home as bipolar 2 and anxiety. I am pretty sure there is another diagnosis but eh, who has the time to remember them all?

But here we are, 10 years later. Patrice seems pretty happy and growing in Jesus, living life in this pandemic. Ten years later, we are all here to celebrate the decade of Patrice and how far we have come!

Walking your own journey with postpartum mood disorders and need someone to talk to or get resources? Contact the PSI warm line (leave a message) call 1-800-944-4773 or text 503-894-9453. Leave in your message if you would like to talk with someone with particular expertise, such as Armed Forces, Arabic speaking, Spanish speaking, dads, adoptive parents, birth mothers, postpartum psychosis.

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, Patrice, Postpartum Depression

Tagged Postpartum Anxiety

A Bump in the Road

Posted on July 23, 2019 | Leave a comment

Back in May, I was a good girl. I got my annual mammogram. Dang, those things hurt. I figured I would check that off my list and move on with life.

Nope.

They needed more views and an ultrasound…and there was a lump.

Next came a needle biopsy and another mammogram (those jerks hurt).

And finally a lumpectomy last week. Thankfully the lump was not cancer, but it was high risk so the journey is not quite over. Next month we discuss the risks and consider next steps.

None of this was supposed to happen and I am not handling it well.

I am not afraid of dying from cancer. At all.

I am afraid of the disruption in my life.

I am afraid of not being a good witness for Jesus.

But I was not afraid of the bipolar getting its two cents in.

And yet, here I am.

I came through the surgery last week with flying colors. No pain, light bruising. I expected to rejoin my life no problem–instead I find myself wanting to hide out. I literally wanted to do nothing last week. I just went to my friend’s house and hid.

Saturday I decided it was time to rejoin my life no matter how I felt. And I have.

But oh how I would rather still be on my friend’s couch. Where I feel protected with no expectations.

I’m here, but I am missing from my life.

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

Not a Runner’s Blog

Posted on November 24, 2017 | Leave a comment

I have a race tomorrow. My first race since the half marathon in September. Tomorrow’s race is a 5k–3.1 miles. The distance is not a worry at all, and yet, I still have nerves.

Will I get up in time? Will I find where they want me to park? Will I remember my shoes? Weird angst.

I’ve had some frustration all day. I don’t know which came first, the all day nerves, or the running a race tomorrow nerves.

Sigh.

Here I am again, going on about running. While asserting this is not a runner’s blog. It’s not…I just so happens that running is the way I deal with most of life.

I have this thing I do in life where I see something, perceive that it is a good idea, take the leap, and then freak out about it.

Over and over and over and over again.

And here I am in freak out zone again.

Not really about the zoo race. I don’t think. Though my nerves are pretty wound up about that. It is more about various projects I have going on.

I am actually done Christmas shopping for my girls. Earliest ever!! But I have taken on helping another family put together a Christmas for their family. I sort of have things organized but I don’t trust the organization I have done, so I fret. A lot. Like feel like I can’t breathe fret. Sit in my car trembling fret. I don’t want to let my friend down and disappoint her kids. It just has to work out.

Yeah, more than a little stressed.

In all of this I am trying to ignore the fact that my second born is turning 10 Tuesday. She is such a little peanut. She’s my little girl that yearns to be so big, so independent, and yet just wants time to be hugged and loved by mommy.

I had decided yesterday there was nothing worth getting up for on Black Friday. And then a little voice asked from the back of the car, “Mommy, where are you going for Black Friday? I think it would be so fun.” She was so eager, I found myself checking ads again and setting my alarm for 5:15 this morning. I half expected her to ignore me when I came down to wake her up, but no, she pretty much bounced up, wide awake.

So out we headed. We purchased a few items at our first stop, a few more at our second stop, then a yummy treat, a few more items at our third store, and one more yummy treat. During that second treat stop I was making an on-line purchase and was pretty intent on what I was doing, next thing I know, she is on my side of the table cuddled up next to me. And I was reminded how important this one-on-one time is to my middle child…as I listened to her plan our Black Friday trip for next year!

No stores kept in the black from our little purchases, but we made a memory and that’s, as they say, priceless. Oh my gosh you guys, that line I just wrote sounds so cheesy, but there are tears in my eyes when I think about how much this morning meant to my little peanut and I. And how I almost missed it.

You guys, I don’t know how to sort it all out. So I guess I am here writing it out trying to understand my emotions and why I get so dang wrapped up in certain thoughts, why I can’t just shrug them off.

Sigh.

So there you go, a glimpse into how my brain is working, or not working, as of late. I’d talk about the really cool fact that I signed up for my 2nd half marathon, but I better not, since this isn’t a runner’s blog. I’ll just sit here amazed that I will run my SECOND half marathon a week after I turn 43. Nope, I won’t mention that.

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Posted in #nablopomo, Bipolar Disorder, depression, exercise, Half Marathon, memories, Sue

Seven Years and I’m Still Here

Posted on October 26, 2017 | Leave a comment

I love the change of seasons here. It is probably my favorite thing about Michigan. It is nice to always have a different feel to look forward to…and with it a change in scenery. And fall does scenery the best!!

And then, 7 years ago, fall got complicated.

Patrice was born. Good. Postpartum depression, anxiety, and psychosis showed up. Bad, very, very bad.`

Suddenly, fall became a hard time, a very hard time. Seven years ago this week I ended up in the hospital for the first time when the mania (cue bipolar disorder showing up) tried to destroy me.

And ever since, fall has been hard. I find myself battling a major depressive episode each fall. It is a time of just working to survive. So my time I have always loved, becomes instead a season of hunkering down and praying for my life.

But this year. This year. It has been hard. I have been working my self care and medication tools hard and using the insane level of busyness of family life to my advantage–distractions galore!!

And it has worked!! I was able to enjoy my wedding anniversary this week. I am laughing real laughs. I am still nervous as October 28th comes around, but I am hopeful for the first time in 7 years that I just might be okay.

Hope is a beautiful thing!

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, fall, Patrice

Roza bil Halib

Posted on October 10, 2017 | Leave a comment

Roza bil halib. Rice in milk. Simple, yet lovely. It is an Arabic dish a dear friend of mine shared with me. The closest dish to compare it to in the American diet is rice pudding. Roza bil halib is not quite as sweet and has a more milky consistency; it is marvelous.

Roza bil halib, which I am probably doing a terrible injustice to in my spelling attempt, is sweet and simple. It is tasty. It is comfort.

There are a lot of days I find myself looking for comfort. I find it in my routine, in my running, in the rhythm of loom knitting, in my prayers. And now in Roza bil halib.

I seek comfort out very intentionally. Sometimes I become frantic in my search.

It didn’t use to be that way. I used to be much more able to go with the flow. Take the ups and downs of life.

Then Patrice was born. And with her, the anxiety, the depression, the mania, the postpartum psychosis, the bipolar disorder.

All of the sudden, life became very much about finding comfort, finding safe. I also found others that understood me, who had a similar journey, and above all I found help. It wasn’t a quick journey, nor was it easy, but I made it one step at a time. There are days I am still fighting to make it, but I use my knowledge, skill, and comfort to get to another day.

And you can too.

If you find yourself fighting suicidal, or even “just” scary thoughts, reach out. The Suicide Prevention Hotline is one place you can find help. 1-800-273-8255.

If you recently had, or adopted, a baby you can find help at Postpartum Support International . Reach out, no matter how hard or pointless it seems. There is help, there is hope.

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Posted in depression, Postpartum Depression

The Day Mama Marched

Posted on December 19, 2016 | 1 comment

All to the Glory of God–that is why I blog and share my story so openly. I want others to know it is possible to live and parent well with mental illness. This, by necessity, causes my posts to be brutally honest, and that is not always pretty.

I have always endeavored to live by the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

My husband and I met over 14 years ago at our church. We were both part of the singles ministry there. I just visited at first, but as time went on I came to more and more of the activities. At the time, the singles group took up two rows of seats (actually pews) in the service time. For some reason, the group chose to sit way up front. Like 3 rows from the pulpit. It seemed a little close to me, but so be it…I sat up there too. No biggie.

Hubby and I got married, moved to a different Sunday School class, started having kids, and along came Postpartum Depression and Anxiety, along with debilitating Social Anxiety. Attending church became very, very difficult for me. Sitting up front was out of the question. I sat as far back as possible most of the time–if not in the foyer.

And hubby noticed.

He realized he could gauge how well I was doing in my head by where I sat in church. When things were rough I either sat in the foyer or way in the back of the sanctuary. On the rare good days, I would head much further up in the seating area. I didn’t notice, but he sure did…and when he mentioned it to me, I started paying attention and he was right.

This weekend was pretty good for me. Busy, but I handled most of it. Saturday had some rough spots, where I have to admit I was afraid I was going to lose it, but I didn’t and by Sunday I was okay.

Sunday morning I walked into that church and marched up to the front. Hubby said, “look at you going right to the front!”

“Of course I am, my babies are singing and I need pictures!”

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It’s Christmas time–time for Christmas programs and yesterday was ours. The girls sang in both services and had a Christmas party in between. And this year I was strong enough to be right up front–so close during the first service that Caitlyn could see us and tried to smile for the pictures.

All along, my fight to be well has been for my family–specifically my girls. The last six years hasn’t been easy on any of us but yesterday was a victory for all of us…the day mama marched into the church to take pictures.

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Caitlyn, depression, Hubby, Patrice, Postpartum Depression, Sue

Exercise Antidepressants

Posted on November 30, 2016 | 2 comments

All to the Glory of God–that is why I blog and share my story so openly. I want others to know it is possible to live and parent well with mental illness. This, by necessity, causes my posts to be brutally honest, and that is not always pretty.

I have always endeavored to live by the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I take a handful of medications, including antidepressants, a couple times a day to keep the Bipolar Disorder at bay. It works, but not alone. Taking medication is not all I do to stay healthy.

Staying healthy is truly a full-time job for me. It requires prayer, doctor appointments, talking to others to keep me grounded, using a vast array of skills to control anxiety, essential oils, staying away from triggering situations, and exercise.

Exercise is a huge part of it. There is no denying that, but just like the medication can’t fix me without other tools, neither can exercise.

That brings me to a radio commercial that drives.me.crazy. In this commercial the person announces how working out 3 times a week is the equivalent of an antidepressant, so to sign up for that yoga class and get sweaty.

Yeah, no. Exercise will never equal an antidepressant for people who need to be on an antidepressant. It just won’t. And insinuating, or flat out saying, that it will is just irresponsible.

There is a stigma around mental illness. There is a stigma around taking medications for mental illness. It helps no one to say they just need to do some yoga and get nice and sweaty.

This time of year can be hard for a lot of people. There are natural triggers, like the lack of sunlight due to shorter days, there are social triggers, such as family stressors. It can be a rough time. And what people need right now is honesty.

Honesty sometimes means saying the hard things, like, “have you considered talking to your doctor about some options to help you?” That’s not easy to say. It’s not exactly easy to hear, but, that…that is love.

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Posted in #nablopomo, Bipolar Disorder, depression

Thought I Knew Better

Posted on August 29, 2016 | Leave a comment

All to the Glory of God–that is why I blog and share my story so openly. I want others to know it is possible to live and parent well with mental illness. This, by necessity, causes my posts to be brutally honest, and that is not always pretty.

I have always endeavored to live by the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Seventeen years ago, wow, has it really been that long?, I made some bad choices, I loved and trusted someone I shouldn’t have, and my found myself in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.

I got out. He dumped me. I was embarrassed, hurt and angry, but still, it was for the best as I got out. My pride would have kept me there but he decided he didn’t want me.

And that’s really okay.

Fast forward 17 years, and I have an amazing life. I have a husband who loves me and endeavors to always take care of me. I have three amazing daughters.

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I have it all.

And the memories from that relationship. The hurtful things he said and did and made me believe. I live with those, and unfortunately, so does my husband.

He lives with them when I am afraid to look at him when I think he is upset with me.

He lives with them when I over apologize for something, or sometimes, nothing.

He lives with them when I work myself into a tizzy trying to make him proud of me.

I live with them all the time. When I hear him in my head telling me no one likes me, no one wants to be my friend, without him I wouldn’t have any friends.

When I hear him in my head telling me no one likes me, no one wants to be my friend, without him I wouldn’t have any friends.

When I hear him tell me I don’t know how to dress.

When I hear him tell me I talk too much or too loudly.

When I hear him tell me I do the laundry wrong.

It’s been 17 years. Seventeen years of lies I cannot shake. Seventeen years of his anger I cannot shake. Seventeen years of his voice I cannot unhear.

I walk literally every day with one or more of these things. Wondering how to shake it, wondering how to be free.

How to be free…

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

Sometimes It Is About Control

Posted on June 18, 2016 | Leave a comment

I wrote this post in my head while taking a walk. It was awesome…then. We’ll see how it goes now.

I, like many teens/young people, danced with anorexia in my teens and then again in my 20s. I was chunky from fourth grade on. My cousin was slim, all the popular girls were slim, and then there was me.

High school sucked. Most of the people around me were mean or indifferent (NOT the aforementioned cousin–she was and is one of the best people in my life). I didn’t know how to fit in at either of the schools I attended during Junior High and High School. Nothing I did helped. I felt like I didn’t have any control.

And then I learned to control my food. I could skip as many meals as I wanted. That, I could control. So, I ate less and less. And I lost weight.

Bonus.

I got down to 84 pounds.

But hunger came back and so did the pounds.

Right after high school I discovered exercise and a healthy diet. I took the weight off right this time.

And it stayed off.

Then I got involved in a relationship. A really unhealthy relationship. Let’s call it for what it was…an abusive relationship. And they only thing I ever did that made him happy was losing more weight. He loved to show people how much he could overlap his fingers when he put his hands around my waist. So, I kept losing weight.

Praise the Lord, he and I split up, but again life was spiraling for a while there and food was one thing I could control.

Until I met my now husband. I was happy with him. I had someone to eat with again. I gained weight. Then I lost weight…in time to get pregnant with our third baby…and then I lost all control of my weight with the various psych meds I was on and the depression I was in.

Control was again missing from my life.

I have slowly regained control my mind. I am slowly regaining control of my weight.

I have lost 17 pounds since January.

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As I have written about before, I have had to radically change my diet. I have had to eliminate or severely limit many foods. It is not always fun, but it is worth it. The FODMAP diet has eliminated much of my stomach pain. It has made losing weight much easier, and, an added benefit, it has given me control–healthy control–over my eating again. I know what I can and cannot eat. I know how much I can eat. There is no guesswork in my food.

It is good. Very good.

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, digestive system, FODMAP, weight loss

We Went We Saw

Posted on June 17, 2016 | Leave a comment

Four years ago, we headed a few states over for a family wedding. We did some camping along the way.

Turns out, I remember very little of it.

Patrice was one years old. I don’t remember her being there at all. Hubby tells me she was very good about camping and the wedding, but if you ask me, she wasn’t even there.

And sorry to my niece who was getting married, I don’t remember the wedding at all. I am sure it was just lovely. Really lovely, but you see, I was very sick with the postpartum depression and bipolar at the time. Life at that time was really hard and so very foggy.

But time has passed and my meds are better…and my mind is allowing me to think and remember.

So this trip to a wedding was very different. It was very nice. We went to our nephews’ wedding and then headed to Lake Michigan to relax and even visit Chicago for a day.

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A waterfall in Wisconsin we visited with family before heading to Lake Michigan 2016-06-08 07.36.48 2016-06-08 07.38.41 2016-06-08 09.24.22 2016-06-08 11.54.49 2016-06-09 10.28.58 2016-06-09 11.20.57 2016-06-09 12.29.25 2016-06-09 12.32.43 2016-06-09 15.09.42 2016-06-09 15.19.48 2016-06-09 15.50.44 2016-06-09 19.28.26 2016-06-10 13.37.00 2016-06-10 20.41.52 2016-06-10 20.53.07

Meeting another warrior mom was a huge highlight of the trip!!! 2016-06-10 21.42.05 2016-06-11 08.21.03 2016-06-11 09.31.27 2016-06-11 12.10.21 2016-06-11 19.01.13 2016-06-11 20.51.33 2016-06-12 08.35.53 This trip was fantastic and I am hoping to remember it for a very long time!!!