Category Archives: depression

I Know It Is Hard

Posted on November 29, 2014 | 4 comments

Some days even considering being brave is hard. But brave isn’t in the grandiose. It is in the simple, in the every day in the beauty.

Brave is:

Waking every day to do it all again

Taking the medications you hate to be the person you don’t recognize anymore

Stuffing down the rage to comfort your child over her boo boo

It is getting on the treadmill to run when you want to stew with your dismal thoughts

Listening to family disparage mental health and not coming unglued

Or coming unglued in such a way that you teach them something

Reaching out to those who will help you survive another hour

Watching funny YouTube videos in order to get the strength to go another round with your mind

Brave is in the little, it is in the every day

Know you are brave. Believe it. Embrace it

4 Comments

Posted in #nablopomo, depression

Slam Bam Somewhere Else

Posted on November 21, 2014 | Leave a comment

I have mentioned a few times that I blog over at Project Semicolon. I am pleased to lend my words on Tuesday and Friday to this amazing site. Our goal at Project Semicolon is to encourage, love, and inspire.

Today I am over there talking about the latest round of depression. It came out of nowhere and has me trying to catch my breath between each wave of despair.

If you want to hear more about where I am, please visit me over at Project Semicolon and read Slam Bam.

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Posted in #nablopomo, Bipolar Disorder, depression, Project Semicolon

When You Can’t Breathe

Posted on October 29, 2014 | Leave a comment

Four years ago today I was crying, big, gulping, body shaking sobs. My mind had betrayed me and I had found myself earlier in the day taking my girls to my midwife and asking her to take them home and love them so I could just disappear.

Problem is, I had no damn idea of where to go. I just needed to escape. She chose instead, to try to get me some help which is what had landed me in a psychiatric hospital.

I can not even begin to tell you how I wish that were the beginning and end of my journey with mental illness. I wish I could tell you I am not standing at my computer crying tonight, wishing I could climb out of my skin. I’ve been on medication after medication, and still am, but today, 4 years later, I still feel the need to climb out of my skin, to find a way to escape.

I still have no idea where I would/could go. So I cry, I shake, I wish it were easier to breathe.

It honestly feels like someone is sitting on my chest while squeezing my lungs and daring me to take another breath.

I am here, rocking and shaking, hoping something I do will let me breathe again. Or let me fall asleep long enough to feel better, long enough to function.

There are more thoughts, but honestly, I don’t have the ability to think them right now. I can’t stay here at the computer. I have to go looking for something to quiet my mind. Or drowned it out.

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

Hard to Swallow

Posted on October 27, 2014 | 2 comments

*I have no intention to insult or offend anyone, I am just putting out there the stark, harsh truth.

I saw a new doctor last week. Because mine decided to leave practice in order to teach. Because of course. Who does this happen to? Me.

My hopes for the new person were low. My hopes for any of them for a while have been low.

Thankfully, I was a little surprised by this one. She got out of her chair to greet me, walked me into her office and walked me to the door when my visit was completed. The doctor before her never stood up, not once. She sat behind her desk looking more at her computer then at me.

She thinks my diagnosis and treatment need some tweeking. She has added a medication that will hopefully stop the rapid cycling I have been having for, I thought, weeks. In truth it has been since Patrice was born. Four years ago. I thought the rapid changes, with a good week here and there was the best I could hope for. I thought coping was the best I would ever get. Turns out, that’s not how it is supposed to be. Apparently, I am supposed to have good days that last longer than a week.

Who knew?!

There was also talk of some very hard issues, struggles in the last 4 years. It was a lot to process, and honestly, I can’t. I absolutely can’t wrap my head around all that she said. I know she is right, but I want to scream, not me, that is someone else. I’m not that crazy.

Come on damn it. I struggled with the Multiple Sclerosis for 16 years. Give me a break. I used a cane in high school. Do you have any idea what a nightmare that is? I was already one of the oddballs in high school and a stupid cane sure didn’t help that. I endured 15 hospital stays in two years. I learned how to walk twice as an adult. I could go on and on, but I won’t. I’ll just say it was damn hard. Couldn’t that have been my burden to bear? Why this nightmare, why does my mental health have to go to hell?

Picture me kicking, hitting and clawing at a wall that doesn’t care if I live or die.

Today, I want to climb out of my skin. I want to run so far away from everything I know. I want to disappear. I want to be free. I want all of this over. Finished.

But instead, I throw together a crappy dinner, make popcorn, and put Frozen in the DVD player for the girls.

Oh my God, I want out.

2 Comments

Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

Angst or Photos

Posted on October 16, 2014 | 2 comments

Part of me wants to tell you about the spiral into depression that has become a free fall. I’d like to believe, admitting to it and talking about it would make it go away. But it won’t. It will just remind you this is the depressed girls’ blog.

I won’t tell you how my mind is telling me I can’t do another round of this battle. I won’t tell you how I had to really think about my answer when my therapist asked me if I was having suicidal thoughts. I won’t tell you how heavy tomorrow already feels.

Instead, I will show you my cute kids. God gave them to me for many reasons, but most of all so you wouldn’t have to sit here and read post after post from the depressed girl.

Aren’t you glad I chose photos over angst?

2 Comments

Posted in depression, kidlets, photos

World Mental Health Day

Posted on October 10, 2014 | 2 comments

I speak up, I speak out.

Some days it makes me feel better about the battle I fight.

Other days, it’s something I say by rote. Saying I will use my struggles to help others.

Some days I want to just shut up. I want to quit speaking out. I want to just worry about myself and no one else.

But, I can’t. One of the big lies of life is that it is all about me. It isn’t. It is about all of us. It is about helping, sharing, walking with each other.

So I speak up today, and every day.

Life is worth living.

You are worth more than your diagnosis.

You are worth fighting for.

Choose a semi colon, a pause in life, instead of a period, the end of your life.

Today and always

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, Suicide

All Things Considered

Posted on September 25, 2014 | Leave a comment

Parenting comes with so many decisions, so many things to consider. Breastfeed or Formula Feed. Cloth Diaper or Disposable Diaper. When to start solids. To send to Preschool or not. To Homeschool or send to Brick and Mortar School. The decisions never stop coming.

As you may know, we started out with the girls in public school. We loved their school (I still communicate with one of the teachers often) but my heart was strongly pulled toward homeschooling. I wanted my girls home with me.

Let me tell you, homeschooling comes with it’s own plethora of decisions. Online School or Parent led teaching. Parent run co-op or Paid instructor classes.

There are so many things to consider and life brought our family one more thing to weigh in our decision process–mama’s mental health.

Please join me over at Tales of a Pee Dee Mama where I share about how my life with Bipolar Disorder influences us and our education choices.

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Posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, guest blogging

Raging Bipolar Charity Style

Posted on September 22, 2014 | 3 comments

Welcome to a random look into bipolar Charity style.

I learned a couple years into this mental health shindig that rage is often part of it. Until then, I thought the times that I lost it were just failures of character on my part. There was, and is, a lot of shame and guilt concerning how I would react to things. It seemed like such a cop out to say it was the Bipolar causing the rage, but lo and behold, the right meds can help.

I know, I know I didn’t think meds would touch that, because that is just me being a crappy human being right? But when 3 days after a med adjustment there was noticeable improvement, truly almost complete erasure of my rage, I couldn’t deny it. The proof was in the pudding.

My mind still defaults to assuming I am horrible. It tells me I do not deserve the family I have. It tells me I am unworthy to call myself a Christian. It screams that my husband is going to leave me if I get upset one more time.

Praise the Lord, he, and my girls, are still here. They love me through it all and I love them enough to do what I need to be healthy and peaceful.

I love them enough to take the medications that help. I love them enough to say, “mommy needs a time out right now.” I love them enough to walk outside and pace the yard in order to get the energy out. I love them enough to let my anger out in the form of tears while hiding in the bathroom. I love them enough to channel my racing thoughts into a blog post. I love them enough to listen to my hubby when he tells me to go upstairs and let myself be alone. And I love them enough to humble myself when necessary to apologize and ask their forgiveness.

It’s not easy. I want to ignore their feelings. I want to let my thoughts just rage and rage, but I can’t. I can’t for them or for me. We all deserve peace and respect. So, I fight with everything I have to give it to them.

I breathe in and out. I bite my tongue, literally. I force myself to look at those around me when the rage is building. I want to ignore them and their dignity in order to allow myself the outlet of rage.

That’s not at option.

I deserve respect.

Hubby deserves respect.

Caitlyn deserves respect.

Sue deserves respect.

Patrice deserves respect.

And respect each of us I will. I will hold back my words as much as possible. I will apologize when the pain comes out. I will respect us.

*Disclaimer: This piece is pretty scary to put out there. It is scary to admit rage is an issue because I fear people will assume my children are not safe with me. They are. Trust me, they are. I do not take my rage out on them, or anyone, physically. The vast majority of my rage is held internally. I am so thankful the medications do help. They improve the quality of my, and those around me, life.

3 Comments

Posted in depression

Falling, Will I Fall

Posted on September 13, 2014 | 1 comment

September 13th and it is already sweater and coat weather. That’s okay with me. I prefer jeans. Sweaters tend to be more forgiving of my bumps and lumps. There are amazing family and homeschooling activities–apple picking, cider mills, color tours, pumpkin patch visits. And the crafts are just so cozy. I love to make things. My skills are limited, but I try. Yesterday, I picked up my loom knitting again. I curled up on the couch and started in on a pretty cap. In the summer, it feels like I am wasting the weather if I sit inside and craft, because alas, winter will come. But before that, our trees will become a waving canvas painted so many vibrant colors. I love the colors. I can’t imagine ever living somewhere that does not have the color change every year. I.Just.Couldn’t. Some of last years’ fun (we haven’t quite commenced most of this years’ festivities–I believe that will be fixed tomorrow. I love fall and it’s fun things, but it has a dark side. It always precipitates an upheaval in my mental health. I feel heavier. I feel like I am thinking and moving through thick apple butter. It has been this way since Patrice was born. By this point in her short life, I had stopped being able to sleep, I was crying in the laundry room and bathroom, anywhere I could hide from my girls. Desperation clawed at the fraying edges. Four years later, the clawing continues. Mentally and physically I get scared. I feel like turtle, I need a shell to climb into. Every moment of thinking is complicated. I am so excited about the season and so scared of the season all at once. Looming in my mind is that first hospitalization 4 years ago (exact date is Oct. 29)–how desperate I was for help, not getting help, on a journey that continues today. I stand here at my computer wanting to scream that I need help, but all I can is whisper–it’s fall, will I fall apart?

1 Comment

Posted in depression, fall

Wham-o

Posted on August 21, 2014 | Leave a comment

You are just bumping along in life.

You got home in great time from a wonderful visit with family.

Your kids actually take a shower without throwing a fit.

You get to cuddle and hold the cutest baby in the world.

The girls have a friend over and there is no arguing, no hurt feelings. There are more giggles than there has ever been in your house.

You are actually winning a game of Word With Friends with your mother-in-law.

Life is good.

The visitors go home.

Dinner is easy.

But Wham-o. Somewhere between visitors go home and dinner is easy, there is a nice FAT anxiety attack. Heart beating extra hard. Tightness in the chest. Desire to move fast. The whole shebang. For no good dumb reason. The clawing feeling of darkness. It’s there. It has stopped for a visit. Who knows how long.

So I get doing. Reading a fluff book. Putting together my thoughts (best I can) to write and get ready to go out on a run. Here’s hoping I can outrun this puppy.

Yes, there is medication, but it just barely works. And it makes you very tired. So, coping mechanisms it is.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

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Posted in depression, random thoughts