All to the Glory of God–that is why I blog and share my story so openly. I want others to know it is possible to live and parent well with mental illness. This, by necessity, causes my posts to be brutally honest, and that is not always pretty.
I have always endeavored to live by the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Back in August hubby and I noticed my heart rate had gone down significantly, like the low 40s. It continued to be so at a number of doctor appointments–and this was all before I started running again.
Then a few months ago, my breathing started to cause some issues every once in a while. It got more than a little bothersome. And a little concerning. One of my care providers took notice and the tests started. I had an EKG on the spot–which showed the low heart rate–and then a slew of bloodwork. This was followed up with another doctor appointment, another EKG showing a low heart rate, a heart ultrasound, a 24 heart monitor, another EKG, and a nuclear stress test.
In all of this, I had a lot of fear. Not of what they would find, but that they would find nothing. I’ve had my share of opportunities to be a medical mystery and I was terrified that would happen again. Really, really scared. And scared of the shortness of breath. My doctor had told me I could run if my breathing would tolerate it, but it ended up curtailed. I ended up frustrated and scared.
All of the tests are now done. I went today and got the results; it was a glowing report. My heart is in great shape. It recovered beautifully from everything done during the stress test. The ultrasound showed the heart muscle is in great shape. Blood is flowing really well.
I had stressed my need to run at my first appointment with the cardiologist and did so again today. He said it is absolutely safe for me to run.
Before the appointment, I had asked the few people who knew about the situation to pray for a solution to it, no matter what it was. I was still so scared of getting no answers. As I waited for the doctor to come in, I sat on the table begging and pleading with God for this doctor to know exactly what was going on. I begged like crazy. As I sat there pleading, I heard the Lord say, in my spirit, not out loud, “that may not be my plan, wait for it, trust me.” I ignored what I heard. It wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what made sense to me. Plus, I was too worked up to hear that. And trust isn’t my strong suit. Trust is too scary. It takes too much out of my hands. But I knew I heard it and it stuck there no matter how much I begged for my way.
As the doctor spoke, my brain whispered, “but you’re not getting any answers. What happens now?” But the bigger words were those of the doctor. The words he was using to tell me how healthy I was–how strong my heart was. I heard him tell me it was okay to run. He told me my low heart rate was no issue, how it would probably get even lower as I train for my half marathon next year.
And I was okay. Where there had been fear at not having an answer, there was now joy and even excitement and a knowledge that in a moment the Lord had reached down and changed my heart. He had stepped in where I thought I knew best and put his best. And it was amazing. How many people get the opportunity handed to them as they are training for a half marathon to find out their heart is in great condition and can stand the work set before it? What a gift I was given over the last six weeks.
Yes, there are still questions. And I plan on following up with my doctor to get my lungs checked out, but for now, I have been given an early Christmas present and I am going to receive it with open arms.
Psalm 29:11
The Lord gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.
