Category Archives: grief

Grief Revisited

*this is a repost from my facebook. It was originally written on October 5, 2020

As some of you have noticed, I’m not on here much as of late. I couldn’t handle all the controversy. I actually came on to likely add some but there is something so much more important. Last Tuesday, September 28, I received the second worst phone call of my life. My cousin, Lisa Pahl, called to tell me our beloved grandfather/papa had died unexpectedly. I went up Friday to his home (we lost our grandma in December) to help my family start to sort through 50+ years of life in one house. It is impossible and it is even more impossible to imagine he is gone. I don’t even know how many times I have cried, “dear God no!!” It just can’t be. My papa was stability and strength, steady and loving. He gave hugs that you felt for days. I spent years standing on his feet, sitting on his knee. And in the last 9 months, we both made an effort to talk on the phone (never my forte). Our last conversation included the importance of wearing a mask, what did homeschooling look like–down to where did the girls sit and where did I get the books–to saying how proud he was of me for teaching the girls and of Bob for restoring his boat and how glad he was that Bob was going to teach the girls about the water and how to respect it. (My grandfather loved all things hunting but was a conservationist to his core) I have things of his that I will treasure, even their little dog Daisy, but I don’t want any of it…I want him. I want one more hug. I want to tell him that one of the fishing poles I brought home from his house was the very same one that my hubby had as his first pole. I actually reached to call him for that but he’ll never be there again. I want to give him the mask that I ordered him after that last call–that came Saturday while I was sorting through things at his home. Let me leave you with his last advice–“people need to wear their damn masks, stay apart and get the vaccine when it comes!!” I miss you beyond words papa. So, so, so much. I love you.

He’s still right–people need to wear their masks and get the vaccine. The youngest in our family was finally able to get her first dose yesterday, November 4, 2021.

I am looking through pictures to put them here but it is bittersweet. All of this is. I want my grandparents here. With me. I want to show them the pictures. I want to talk about the pictures. A year later, I still can’t handle the grief.