My youngest, Patrice, is 10. A whole decade. One I never dreamed I would survive in the early days, months, years…
Her birth completed our family and just about killed me. Baby blues came. My midwife talked me through those days. And then I got a week of peace. I thought I was in the clear…then I couldn’t sleep. My brain refused to shut off no matter what I did. I couldn’t stop moving. I had to be busy or I was just sure I would fall apart. I had three girls 4 and under–and we never stopped going to the park, the library, anything I could find to do while wearing a tiny baby. I even cleaned my house!!
The darkness was overwhelming me. I was sure my family would be better off without me. I would e-mail my midwife who would convince me I should go back home. I didn’t want to leave my family–I just didn’t see how I would ever survive.
Over the years I have done hospital stays; I take medicine that makes me sick every single day. I run for exercise and to keep my sanity. I have people around me that love me, encourage me, challenge me, help me focus on why I continue to fight and live.
My postpartum depression and anxiety were not nice enough to resolve and leave…it made itself at home as bipolar 2 and anxiety. I am pretty sure there is another diagnosis but eh, who has the time to remember them all?
But here we are, 10 years later. Patrice seems pretty happy and growing in Jesus, living life in this pandemic. Ten years later, we are all here to celebrate the decade of Patrice and how far we have come!
Walking your own journey with postpartum mood disorders and need someone to talk to or get resources? Contact the PSI warm line (leave a message) call 1-800-944-4773 or text 503-894-9453. Leave in your message if you would like to talk with someone with particular expertise, such as Armed Forces, Arabic speaking, Spanish speaking, dads, adoptive parents, birth mothers, postpartum psychosis.