Category Archives: Postpartum Depression

Can I Do Saturday Confessions on Sunday?

Posted on March 25, 2012 | 3 comments

I have a million blog posts in my mind. I have a million other thoughts in my mind. It is hard to put any of them together. I couldn’t come anywhere near putting them together yesterday.

So, can you join me in pretending I am writing my Secret Mommyhood Confessions on Saturday? I’ll confess my need to follow all rules, even which day to post topics, on another ~~Sunday~~ Saturday…

In case you missed it, I recently weaned Patrice after 19 months of nursing. Of course, if you missed that, we have never crossed paths on twitter or my blog, so I should say, “HELLO, welcome to my part of the web!”

Back to the topic at hand.

Weaning her makes me sad, and scared.

Now before you think I’m getting on a high horse about how breast is best…let me pause and say, I believe that, but that is not any part of this blog post. I’ll let others worry about beating that drum.

I’m sad and scared for me, not her.

I’m sad because I was uber proud of being a nursing mama. It was something I set out to do and did it. Big confession here, I did it was some judgment of other mamas and from a high horse, but that is another topic, heck probably one for the doctor and I to deal with. Please let me say I’ve been learning a lot about that high horse and I’m climbing off of it.

I’m sad because now anybody can do any or all of Patrice’s care. She doesn’t really need me anymore. Daddy can do everything I can. A lot of it better than I. I can’t sit and cuddle her without her wanting to nurse. This morning she clawed me when I wouldn’t nurse her and tried to just hold her. She climbs into daddy and “Miss Susie’s” arms to be rocked. Not mine. Never mine.

I’m scared I will lose my place in the breastfeeding world. Who will listen to someone who weaned their baby for their own needs instead of letting the baby self-wean?

I’m scared the depression will deepen, as it already has, due to the hormone changes associated with weaning. Weaning itself can cause postpartum depression. What if I get even worse? I am hanging on by fingernails as it is.

And my biggest fear is the hormone changes will allow the Multiple Sclerosis to come out of remission and I will lose the physical progress I have made. And that terrifies me. A horrible run, where you fall flat on your face, is better than one single minute of steroid treatments for MS or half a moment in a wheelchair. What if the nursing and pregnancy, continuous for all these years, has kept me healthy. What will I do if I wake up one morning and I literally no longer know which was is up? I am pickin’ scared of that possibility. Just typing it is making me dizzy. Oh no.

(Um, yeah, I think it is a good thing I have a standing appointment with my doctor every week!!!!!)

What makes you sad or scared about a big change in your life?

Join me at Kimberly’s.

3 Comments

Posted in breastfeeding, Mommyhood Confessions, Multiple Sclerosis, Patrice, Postpartum Depression

Hard Week

Posted on March 22, 2012 | 8 comments

I’m not going into details here, but just know this has been one of the hardest, if not the hardest, weeks of my life.

I weaned my beloved Patrice from nursing. This was my first experience weaning a baby. The other two weaned themselves when I was pregnant.

I still can’t sit and cuddle her without her wanting to nurse though it has been over a week. I am anxiously awaiting sitting and cuddling my baby; for now we stand and dance to songs.

I continue to live on a yo-yo of emotion. The darn yo-yo can bounce up and down every few hours. I want to cut the string, but instead, I am trying a new medication. I am hoping it helps. It is a medication I could not take while nursing Patrice. We have also upped one of the my other medications beyond what is safe for her to get via nursing.

I typed today, in a tweet, “as a mom with mental illness.” Then I cried. I never wanted this. I just wanted a third child. I don’t know if these depression issues would have come out without postpartum depression, but I am going to say yes, they would; it makes me feel better to think they would have shown up regardless.

Oh, and I have two pieces of advice for you:

Unless you know the person very well and are within your relationship to do so, don’t tell a depressed person to count their blessings. I know my blessings. I do. And there are a few people that can tell me that without getting an earful, the rest should really just stuff it.

2nd bit of advice, read www.spermiestyle.com and www.makemommygosomethingsomething.com. I will warn you, they are both more, well, blunt than I am, but these ladies can write and right now they can express things I can’t even touch on.

8 Comments

Posted in breastfeeding, depression, Postpartum Depression

Stuffing it or Reframing it–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

Posted on March 10, 2012 | 4 comments

As I have mentioned, the doctor has correctly pinpointed that I stuff emotions. I’m okay with accepting that, but now what?

It turns out I need to wean Patrice from nursing so the doctor and I can get more aggressive with treating the depression. Trust me, that was a hard decision.

I cried and cried Thursday at work. And then I started thinking.

I have been nursing or pregnant from November 2005. I have been wearing nursing undergarments and nightgowns since August 4, 2006. As of next week, I need to replace all these items with “regular” woman apparel. And I am going to try a chocolate martini.

I changed how I am thinking about it, I reframed it…I think.

I’m sad about weaning Patrice, but I am a bit excited…

Am I stuffing it or reframing it?

Linking with Kimberly.

4 Comments

Posted in depression, Mommyhood Confessions, Patrice, Postpartum Depression, weaning

What To Do With Emotion

Posted on February 23, 2012 | 7 comments

As I mentioned before, the therapist correctly identified that I get overwhelmed by my emotions and attempt to turn them off. The Good, the bad, the ugly.

A large part of that comes from rejecting emotions that aren’t founded in reason or have a good explanation.

This week, twice, I have experienced irrational anger. Over the top and without true cause. I don’t know what to do with it, so I tell myself it is wrong, illogical or doesn’t make sense and force myself to push it away.

Personally, it has always seemed logical to me. The doctor thinks it is where a lot of my depression comes from. He says, the anger is real and it has to go somewhere, and the way I am dealing with it is to pull it internal. And for my effort, I get depression and anxiety.

Okay, y’all…do you agree with the doctor’s assessment in general? What do you do with anger that is not based in an actual situation or in a situation that can be changed or improved? I really could use some input here. I *think* he’s right, but I don’t know what to do from here.

Help!

I need to figure this out for me, my girls and my hubby.

Linking up for Thought Provoking Thursday.

7 Comments

Posted in blog hops, depression, Postpartum Depression, Thought provoking Thursday

Guest Posting for Mental Health Mondays

Posted on February 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

Please join me at

As I tell part of my journey with postpartum depression and where I am now…learning, growing, surviving til I’m thriving.

Let me know if you are looking for guests posts. I am working on getting the message out there about depression, but also have cute kids to share, crafts, projects, and recipes.

I’m Scared of Feeling So Good–Secret Mommyhood Confessions

Posted on February 18, 2012 | 3 comments

In case I haven’t mentioned it, the last 18 months has been a long journey with depression. Long. Yanno, in case I forgot to mention it.

Lately, has been better. With some good breakthroughs that are going to benefit me and my family now and in the future.

I realized, in addition to the fact that I am worth the fight, but also, that I am not damaging my girls with this struggle, they are actually going to benefit as I get better. They will have a stronger, happier mommy. I won’t be perfect, darn, but I will give them less of my issues, less of my hang-ups.

I’ve also realized the postpartum depression is not an isolated incidence. It is not my first experience with depression. And very likely will not be my last. Both the doctor and a friend think that is a good thing to realize. I’m not sure how it fits into my continued healing and long-term health, but for now, it is what it is.

I am thrilled to have had some good revelations that are bringing me more freedom and health.

But I am scared. What if this is a high and the bottom drops out again? Will these revelations, along with my family and faith, sustain me? Or will I see only the darkness and anxiety again? Is this just a temporary lull? Will life again hurt like it did last month? Will the progress stay? Or disappear like the mist?

Linking up for Secret Mommyhood Confessions.

3 Comments

Posted in blog hops, depression, Mommyhood Confessions, Postpartum Depression

I Am Worth It

Posted on February 10, 2012 | 16 comments

Earn

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By Lockerz

It’s important to fight for others. To work to make yourself better for others. It is important to love others enough to do the right thing by them even when you are unable to do it for yourself.

I have fought for my family, particularly my girls, for the last 18 months. I would remind myself over and over they were worth fighting for. I said it aloud. Every time I had to face the hard, I would remind myself that I would go anything for my girls.

“They are worth whatever it takes.”

So many people have told me, “you are worth it too. You are worth fighting for.” I wanted to believe them, but I would look at them and say, “right now I am fighting for my girls.”

Over the last month and a half of seeing the new doctor, I am learning a lot. I am seeing progress even in the dark times. Even when this last downturn came, I could point at the things I was learning about me and the victory I was seeing and I could tell myself, see, the lies are just that, because you know you are making progress.

Yesterday I guest posted over at Kristen’s about postpartum depression and anxiety. Today I decided to respond to any comments that came in. As I was doing so, I saw myself typing, “I know the day is coming when I will be able to fight for me, but for now, I fight for them.” And as I typed, I realized that day had come. Today was the day I realized I am worth fighting for.

For the last many months, I have known that if it weren’t for my family I would have succumbed to the darkness. Today I realized that even if my family were not here, I am worth fighting for. I am worth telling the depression I will not believe it’s lies. I will not live in the darkness forever.

I posted about it on facebook today. I was too excited to hold the revelation in until I could blog. A friend reminded me that yes, I have always been enough. I was enough for Jesus to come die on the cross for, so yes, I am surely enough reason to survive depression. She’s right. But I had another epiphany.

I’ve always known Christ came to earth to seek and save the lost. And I am among the saved, but in truth, I have never believed He came for me. I have always believed He came for others and because He did I can benefit; but if it were just me on this earth, I have always believed He would not have come.

And when you don’t believe you are enough for the core of your entire belief system, it is hard to believe much else.

I will admit the switch hasn’t completely flipped on that last part. I’ll get there, but it is going to take some time. Please no sermons in the meantime. Please know I don’t doubt my salvation, I doubt that He came for MY salvation.

But for today, I know I am enough to fight the depression. I am enough.

Linking up for Thought Provoking Thursday.

16 Comments

Posted in blog hops, depression, Faith, Postpartum Depression

Guest Blogging–Come Visit

Posted on February 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

Hello y’all. I wanted to let you know I am over at Birthing Beautiful Ideas today sharing my story about postpartum depression and anxiety. Come see how depression looked in my life and the many resources I have found as I seek to become whole for my girls!

My Brain is Kind of Empty

Posted on January 21, 2012 | 1 comment

I have talked and thought about some really heavy stuff lately. It’s good. It really is. I am healing, getting stronger. I am going to come through this journey with postpartum depression and anxiety a whole, healthy person. The Lord is using an excellent team of people to bring me into freedom.

In the meantime, life continues to be sweet and wonderful.

1. We sent our new computer in for repairs and the company had it back to us within 4 days. Fantasic service. Except now I can’t get my camera card in the slot to download the pictures.

2. Hubby and I were recently talking and I said, “I would love to have more kids.” Caitlyn was listening in and yelled, “no you wouldn’t!” Guess she hadn’t forgotten my short temper from that morning.

3. Caitlyn loves exercise videos. She asks me every night if we are going to do a video. So tonight I thought we would try something different, “Sweatin’ to the Oldies”, she took one look at it, declared it not exercise and refused to do any of it. As her Aunt says, “I guess she likes extreme exercise.”

4. Patrice has been joining the girls and I in exercising. A 17 month old doing push ups is as funny as you might imagine. She lays down, puts her head and feet up and her little hands down. I will get a good picture…

5. Sue is bored. I think that is why we are getting more whining, acting out and challenging us. Shoot me some ideas on projects, crafts we can do with her. I am not looking for us to entertain her all the time, but honest, she is a little bored. She’s a smart cookie. She needs more.

6. And because my blog has been all words, not pictures, here are some cute shots

Playing Whack-A-Mole with Grandma with two doggies

How do I spin this thing?

Here’s how you do it Patrice.

I like to use it THIS way!!!!

Linking up with Life Ever Since.

Check it out.

1 Comment

Posted in blog hops, Life Lessons, Postpartum Depression, random thoughts

When is Cleaning your House more than Cleaning?

Posted on January 16, 2012 | 4 comments

Earlier today I read Pamela’s blog post about cleaning…it got us chatting on twitter about cleaning. And I realized how rarely I do any deep cleaning. This led me to thinking about getting the house cleaned today.

After Church, hubby and I got started. I cleaned out the kitchen and swept it, he mopped. I cleaned the babie’s room, he mopped the living room and hallway. I cleaned the older girl’s room, he got them ready for Awana Bible Club at Church.

I was going to head down to exercise when they left, but then got to thinking how nice it would be to finish cleaning the girls room, and get the bathroom scrubbed down. And I decided to shoot for that. And got it done in time to start dinner before the girls and hubby got home.

It all seems to mild and blase’, but as you might already have guessed, things are never so easy in my mind.

I got to thinking about another time I did a lot of cleaning in a short time…and the differences.

Just two days before I fell apart and was hospitalized for postpartum depression and anxiety, I started cleaning, because I was absolutely desperate to distract my mind. I was on the verge of falling apart. I started cleaning to try not to cry. And as my anxiety increased, I was more and more driven to clean. It became a fevered pitch. In six hours I cleaned the whole house, started rearranging the basement, did all the laundry in the house, including changing Patrice out of her cloth diaper.

My mind wasn’t exactly racing, but I knew if I stopped, I would fall completely apart. And I might not be able to pick up the pieces. When I e-mailed my friend/midwife about it, she asked me to let her get me more help. But I was too scared. Two days later I would end up falling apart in her office and hospitalized.

I cannot imagine I will ever forget that feeling or that day.

And hear I am 14 months later, cleaning, but this time, calmly and just for the joy of having a clean house and making my hubby happy and surprised. He does so much of the housework and it brought me so much joy to think of doing this for him, and, myself.

Caitlyn was most surprised by the bathroom “I thought when Sue wanted to look in there that you wouldn’t have really cleaned it–but it was nice and clean and smells good!”

With that kind of reaction…I might have to do this cleaning thing more often!

I was going to head to bed, but started folding laundry…This will leave just cleaning my own bedroom tomorrow! Yay for a day off to take kids to the doctor for checkups and to get the rest of my house in order. Ahhh…

When has an everyday activity become much more in your life? When have you found joy in doing teh everyday?

4 Comments

Posted in depression, Postpartum Depression, random thoughts