Loving on each other
I bought store brand diapers for the first time since Caitlyn was a baby. Yes world, we stopped cloth diapering. I just couldn’t do it anymore and hubby was more than willing to stop. He was a good sport for a long time.
While I am confessing, I’ve also stopped making my laundry soap. It was just one more thing always nagging at me–needing done.
I’m not going to lie, it is nice just throwing away the yucky diapers and buying a big bottle of soap. Do I regret trying both of those things, not in the least, but at the same time, I am okay with where we are now.
I, under orders of my doctor, decreased one of my medications last night. I am feeling more awake today than I have in months. I do still feel out of it and spacey, but hopefully that will get better with time.
Saw my bipolar diagnosis written on official paperwork today for the first time. Caused me to catch my breathe. Yup, that is now PART of me. It does not define me, it just explains some things.
Scheduled Patrice for a speech therapy evaluation. Again, on recommendation of a doctor. Our family doctor is concerned she does not talk enough. She jabbers like crazy but only has about 10 words she says. Hubby and I have talked often how she doesn’t have as many words as her sister’s did at age 2, but I thought we had just forgotten what 2 is like or were overreacting. Now the doctor is saying the same. Sigh.
Those are just some of the curve balls in our life. How are things in your world?
Do you ever wonder if you have known something all along? Like there is no surprise where there should be shock?
I have written about postpartum depression and anxiety a lot since Patrice was born, but I have never tagged it as ppd, instead I have always called it just depression.
I think, since the beginning, I have known my soul wasn’t just being introduced to depression after Patrice’s birth. Depression has visited me several times over the years. Previous experiences with depression have been different in that they could be traced to events happening in my life; they were episodic. This time was different. Postpartum depression was the spring board, but the battle has reached much further.
The waves of depression and excitement keep crashing, again and again. They rob me of normal feeling, healthy interaction with everything in my life. The latest wave landed me in the hospital for the third time and has me out of work for a few weeks as my soul and psyche need to heal.
This additional time home is giving me time to rest and learn. I have a lot to learn about this journey with bipolar not otherwise specified (meaning it does not fit perfectly in with bipolar 1 or 2).
I am trying to learn as much as I can, so please send on bipolar resources you may know of. I am also considering trying a support group, though every fiber of my being says no, I don’t want that! My experience with mental health support groups have been in the hospital, which has been less than stellar. Have you ever gone to a support group? What did you think of it? Would you go again?
I am home on a Tuesday afternoon; actually the second one in a row. Last Tuesday I came home sick from work and headed to the hospital. I was having tactile hallucinations and the night before I had been suicidal. But by the time the emergency room got to me, I was okay, so they sent me home. I stayed home and rested Wednesday.
Thursday I headed back to the office. It was a crazy hard day and I knew by the end of the day I would be headed back to the hospital. The thoughts were too strong and too many. I drove myself directly from work to the ER. Twenty-two hours later I finallly got a bed on the psychiatric floor.
It was as always a tumultous and difficult time. Having your freedom taken away is so hard, even when you know it is for your safety. People watching you all the time, judging what and how you are doing is such a challenge.
But being in the hospital accomplished what was needed; I am no longer on Lamictel and am now on Lithium. It feels like a new chapter. A tried and true treatment for bipolar, but new to me.
I feel much better than I did at this time last week, but I still feel fragile. I am taking it easy, giving myself time to rest and permission to take things slowly.
Posted in depression