Category Archives: Uncategorized

As I wrote in this post, embracing and understanding my Christian faith gets complicated when the Bipolar plays mean and the depression makes a home for itself in my life.  But it goes beyond there.

I take multiple medications daily to try to keep my Bipolar under control.  I work with a doctor and therapist on a very regular basis in hopes of being well.

And I wrestle with how all of this affects my Christian witness to those around me who are not followers of Christ.  They see me moaning about the depression, many times flat out wanting to die.  They do not see any joy in my Christian walk and they do not see a God big enough to make me all better.

What does that do to my witness?

It feels like it damages my witness.  It feels like it damages what people think of the God I say I love and who loves me.  I sure don’t exhibit joy in the Lord as I plan ways to die.

I have no idea what to do about it.

Is God disappointed in the witness I am showing of Him?  Is He disappointed in my lack of faith?  Is He disappointed in how much I rely on my medications and doctors?  Is He saddened or angered by my desire to die?  Has He turned away from me as I express my need to escape this life at all costs–with little thought of whether or not I will go to heaven if I die by my own hand?*

I don’t know and it worries me.  I have no idea what He thinks of me, but I am sad at the damage I see me doing to my Christian witness.

But I don’t know what to do about it.

*I have improved some and am not struggling to the same extent I was a week ago, but there are moments in every day that are exceptionally hard and the depression is still there controlling me in many ways.

I was reading my friend Kim’s blog today and she was writing about what she is proud of. She is an amazing woman of whom I am proud to call my friend.  I loved her post so much I thought I would write one.

I am proud of my three girls–two of whom are in time out right now–

I am proud of my blogging here and at Project Semicolon.  I was even featured on Postpartum Progress this week.

I am proud of my homeschooling.  Thanks to some great friends, I feel good about the curriculum I have put together for next year.

I am proud that as a high-schooler I went National competition for DECA.

I am proud of the time I spent on short term missions trips.  I am praying the day will come when I can go again.

These are a few of the things that make me happy–what makes you happy, what makes you proud?

I hate food.  I do.  Really.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love how it tastes.  A little too much.  It makes me forget what comes later…eaters remorse.

“Why did I eat that?”

“No wonder I can’t lose weight.”

“Why do I do this to myself all the time?”

“Why did I inhale those useless calories and then eat something right after it so the taste is just a memory?”

Why, why, why?

I’ve been trying to lose some weight.  I’m not happy with my size or my flab.  I love my legs,  but I hate the rest of my body.  I hate mirrors, they remind me of the weight I carry.

I exercise, faithfully.  Biking, walking, running, PiYoing almost daily.  I’ve got that part of healthy sorted out.  It’s the darn food that kills me.  I don’t know how to get a handle on it.  I keep saying today, I will be better…and I turn out worse.  I look at the yummy, and think, I don’t need that, or really want it, but it’s there and YUM.

Too bad I am not even done eating it before the eaters remorse hits.  And then every bite feels like lead in my belly.  Sitting there.  Mocking me.  Taunting me.  Hating me.

I say I run, but really I’m a big blimp with little legs.  I’m guessing most people think, aw, isn’t that cute–she’s trying to run.  I do walk.  Up to 12 miles a day, but for some reason no matter how much I do, it is never enough to make a difference.

I am frustrated and whiny about this right now.  I have a Dairy Queen blizzard hating me.  Sitting there.  Mocking me.  Taunting me.

Like I said–

I  hate food.

I know it has been quiet here.  My words seem to have left me.  I search and search for something to say here and am left holding nothing.  I want to write here, I do.  Last night I even dreamed of writing here, but alas, I am still empty.

I was able to put something together this week for Project Semicolon that you might enjoy.  Head over here to check it out.

Have you ever struggled to learn to pray?

Is your prayer time just a list of asking God for things?

Do you know how to communicate with God through prayer?

Do you know how to learn to love Him more through prayer?

I have been a Christian for 30 years, and still struggle with every one of those items.  I am just now learning how to pray scriptures to the Lord.  I am just now learning how to try and listen for God’s voice and words.  It has been a struggle my entire life to learn these skills.

I want better for my girls.

I am excited to have found a 4 week curriculum to teach my girls Prayer Warriors  Teaching Kids to Talk to God.

Are you, or your church ministry looking for just such a curriculum?  Check this one out. You can get this four week study for just $75.00.  It will give kids a foundation in prayer and communicating with God.

Teach your kids how to pray.*

Prayer is a conversation with God. It is not about saying the right words; it’s about speaking from your heart then listening to what God has to say.

What could be worth more than that?

*Quote from Children’s Ministry Deals

Disclaimer:  All opinions on here are my own except where credit is given.  I was given a copy of the curriculum in exchange for this review, but the thoughts expressed are my own.

Please come visit me over at ProjectSemicolon today.

“Was that game fun Patrice?”
“Not by myself.”
“Do you want me to play it with you?”
“You’re a grown up.”
“But I can still play.”
“No, You’re too old.”

And just like that, I was summarily dismissed from playing Let’s Go Fishing…

I sit reading, cozy in my bed.  I am transfixed by the stories I am reading, the tragedies being described for me.  I am reading about the Dalits of India.  They are the lowest of the lowest on the caste system.

The caste system in India has been around for about 3,000 years.  It is based on the Hindu belief that people are ranked according to their sins in a past life; the Dalits are those considered to have lived the worst of the lives in their previous life so have come from underneath the Hindu god.  Those in higher castes are said to have come from his arms or head, obviously better because they come from a higher part of their gods’ body.

Dalits are considered lower than the animals.  They are given the most demeaning jobs, ie cleaning out the latrine with their bare hands.  The caste system has been outlawed, deemed unconstitutional, but much like segregation was here in America, the law is ignored and the Dalits are still oppressed,

Oft times, the families are so poor they end up abandoning or selling children, just to try and survive.  Many are sold into the sex trade, or modern day slavery.  Girls, and boys, in this situation have a life expectancy of 15 years.

That data would make my beloved oldest daughter, Caitlyn, middle aged.  I cannot imagine her experiencing such torture, such hell.  I cannot imagine having, as a parent, to choose food over one son or daughter so at least some of your family might live.

What an impossible choice and excruciating situation.  All because you were born a Dalit.  The government has implemented a version of affirmative action to hold so many jobs in the upper levels for the Dalits, but many Dalits cannot afford an education, to learn what they need, to move up in their society.

It is a difficult situation, all the way around.

Many of the Dalits are finding freedom by leaving Hinduism and going to other religions, such as Christianity and Islam.  There they are told all are equal and they can have mental and spiritual freedom.

Some have found this new freedom, but there are so many more.  Won’t you join me in praying for the Dalits and their quest for freedom and equality?

*Information taken from Dalit Freedom Now and Forever by Joseph D’Souza and No Longer a Slumdog by K.P. Yohannan

Okay people, I really need feedback on this post.  I want to cut our grocery bill significantly.  I have seen it come down by buying flour in bulk and storing it.  Making waffles and pancakes from scratch and my own Jiffy/Bisquick mix.

Now I am looking for more.

What do you buy boxed?  Anything?

What do you make from scratch?  Everything?

What do you buy in bulk?

Do you meal plan?  If yes, how do you think that saves you money?  Do  you cook according to sales?

What tips and hints do you have to pass on?

We have no special food requirements.

This is a test, but I might as well share a favorite with you, right?

My girls and I went out in public, during the day, twice this week.    Why is that in any way noteworthy?  All schools in our state have now started holding classes.  Most of what you see at the grocery store at one in the afternoon is either the moms or caregivers with young children or the senior citizen crowd enjoying relative peace now that the droves have returned to school.

But we’re still out there.  Feeling nervous that people are judging us, nervous that I should keep the girls at home during brick and mortar school hours. Just a little skittish. Caitlyn felt a little of that last year, but honestly, she was proud to be homeschooled.  She and Sue decorated shirts that said as much for when we went out in public.

So, what happens when you take your kids out during the hours they are “supposed” to be in school?  Mostly quizzical looks.  And many people venturing to say, “oh, did you guys have a half day?”  I just smile as I say, “we homeschool, it gives us a little more flexibility,” while I wonder if there will be more comments coming.  There rarely is.

Today, the lady at the bank, who was getting to pass out free pens, good thing, without their freebies I would have none, was very friendly to people as they asked her where stuff was in the grocery store her branch is located in.  I don’t know if she has learned the general locale of items intentionally or she just shops there, but she was able to point them to where they wanted to be.  Then, she looked at us and said, “oh, do you have a half day?”  The girls weren’t feeling very chatty, so I answered, “no, we homeschool it gives us great flexibility.  We don’t have snow days or inservice days, so an hour here or there does not impact our studies.  And we LOVE it!”

As normally happens, she looked at us and said, “that’s great!  Enjoy your day.”

Yes, even today, I felt a little nervous going out and about with the girls.  I don’t mind the people who ask why, I can explain to them, but there are those that just give us a sideways look.  But really, who can blame them?  Our lifestyle and schooling choice is not typical or mainstream.

A study completed in 2012, using data from the 2007 census found out of the 51,135,000 students in the US, 1,508,000 were homeschooled, with most of the homeschool children, 58% being boys and 60% were families with three or more children.  A higher percentage of the parents who homeschooled had bachelor degrees, 50% compared to 43% of non-homeschooling parents.

I included several facts that I found of interest, but the one most pertinent to my reaction to people asking me about my kids not being in school is that there are only 1,508,000 (as of 2007) children being homeschooled in the US.  With that kind of difference in numbers, I don’t find peoples questions odd at all.  I know I wondered before we began our homeschooling journey.  I don’t mind people asking and I love it when my kids are feeling like talking and they express how we do things with all of their excitement and honesty.

In truth, don’t we all wonder about how and why people do things when they are out of the norm?  I know I do.  I am often too much of a chicken to ask, but some aren’t.  And to them, I say bravo and thank you for the overwhelmingly positive response our family has received.  You all make my job easier.