I experienced a new emotion earlier this week. I got angry. Okay, my husband will tell you that emotion is not entirely unknown to me. But it was new in the context of my postpartum depression and anxiety.
I got angry. Angry that it has been a year+ of fighting the darkness that is so often at the fringes of my heart and mind.
Angry that so much of this year has been spent trying to survive, fighting to thrive.
Disgusted angry at the time lost. The hours at work lost. The wonderful memories clouded with how I was fighting the depression and anxiety.
Sickened at the money and time spent to fight the depression and anxiety.
I was shocked by this anger, not because I haven’t been frustrated through this journey, but because I have spent a lot of energy investing in my children so I wouldn’t feel robbed of Patrice’s first year; feeling blessed to have been able to bond so well with her in the midst of all else. I have opened up my story to encourage other women, I have been thrilled to see the Lord redeeming this time in my life as He has used it to bolster up other mamas. With all of this, I didn’t know there was room for anger.
So one night I was engulfed with it. It lasted a few days. Just this boiling anger at the depression, the anxiety, at the long, long year. The anger was not directed at any person, there was no outlet for the anger. It truly put me in a new place, I could not do anything with this emotion, except feel it, ride the wave and see where it left me.
I’m still not sure where it left me. In truth it is not completely gone, but for the most part it is replaced by another emotion, and this one is even more foreign to me, because I can’t name it. It’s not anger, it’s not sadness, not quite peace. It’s just there.
And for right now, that is where I sit. In a bit of limbo. I am not completely out of the anxiety portion of the last year, but I am close. I am not totally myself, but I am getting there. I am not declaring victory over the depression and anxiety, but I am in a good place. A restful place.
Linking up with:
And with Joy in this Journey
Survive til you Thrive!
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