Hard to Swallow

*I have no intention to insult or offend anyone, I am just putting out there the stark, harsh truth.

I saw a new doctor last week.  Because mine decided to leave practice in order to teach.  Because of course.  Who does this happen to?  Me.

My hopes for the new person were low.  My hopes for any of them for a while have been low.

Thankfully, I was a little surprised by this one.  She got out of her chair to greet me, walked me into her office and walked me to the door when my visit was completed.  The doctor before her never stood up, not once.  She sat behind her desk looking more at her computer then at me.

She thinks my diagnosis and treatment need some tweeking.  She has added a medication that will hopefully stop the rapid cycling I have been having for, I thought, weeks.  In truth it has been since Patrice was born.  Four years ago.  I thought the rapid changes, with a good week here and there was the best I could hope for.  I thought coping was the best I would ever get.  Turns out, that’s not how it is supposed to be.  Apparently, I am supposed to have good days that last longer than a week.

Who knew?!

There was also talk of some very hard issues, struggles in the last 4 years.  It was a lot to process, and honestly, I can’t.  I absolutely can’t wrap my head around all that she said.  I know she is right, but I want to scream, not me, that is someone else.  I’m not that crazy.

Come on damn it.  I struggled with the Multiple Sclerosis for 16 years.  Give me a break.  I used a cane in high school.  Do you have any idea what a nightmare that is?  I was already one of the oddballs in high school and a stupid cane sure didn’t help that.  I endured 15 hospital stays in two years.  I learned how to walk twice as an adult.    I could go on and on, but I won’t.  I’ll just say it was damn hard.  Couldn’t that have been my burden to bear?  Why this nightmare, why does my mental health have to go to hell?

Picture me kicking, hitting and clawing at a wall that doesn’t care if I live or die.

Today, I want to climb out of my skin.  I want to run so far away from everything I know.  I want to disappear.  I want to be free.  I want all of this over.  Finished.

But instead, I throw together a crappy dinner, make popcorn, and put Frozen in the DVD player for the girls.

Oh my God, I want out.