She’s Mine–Don’t Take Her

Patrice made her pregnancy unique by flipping and flopping in my belly, spending way too much time breech, coming out blue–doing it her way.

Postpartum was unique as well with the onset of severe postpartum anxiety and depression.  Thanks to those issues, I got an extended maternity leave, which equaled more time with Patrice than I had at the early age with my other two.

And there in began to grow a seed of worry.

Why was I getting more time with her?  What was going to happen to her?  Was she going to be taken from me too young, too early?  Would her days be short?

To be honest, I can’t believe I’m putting this out there.  I’ve only said it out loud one other time.  It was poo pooed.

I went back to work when it was time, but had a few more times off due to the depression and related issues.  And the fear niggled.

Then, out of the blue, I lost my job.  Overnight I became a stay-at-home mom.  Almost every moment of my life is with Patrice.

And I love it.

I love being here for her speech therapy.  I love watching (most) of her two year old antics.  I would have loved those things with the other two, but I didn’t get it. I have the time now.  Why?

Am I going to lose her?  Don’t get me wrong, she has no health problems, beyond what illnesses her sisters bring home from school, but is something going to happen to her?  How do I soak it all in, just in case?  What is my responsibility to her in these days?  How can I best love and hang on to her without smothering her?

I have no idea.  And again, I am shocked I am writing this, I am shocked I am putting this out there.  But, it has been weighing on me heavily as of late and I simply don’t know what to do with it…